In Search Of Redemption

As if out of a trance, I woke up and then looked at everyone around me; Antonio, Dad, Geisa... I then understood what had happened and the tears welled up and wet my face endlessly. "You mean then that's it? Have I died? Am I dead?" They looked at each other in pity at my pain, and perhaps for this reason did not answer. They remained silent. But I didn't need to. The presence of Dad and Geisa was in itself a confirmation of the unspoken words. Without thinking about anything else I ran away. I needed to hide, or maybe even get out of this nightmare. I didn't want it to be true. I started to pray that I would wake up in my house, in my bed, in my room. I ran as fast as I could without looking back. In fact, I didn't even look ahead. The tears blurred my vision... How could I know where to go? I eventually collapsed from exhaustion. And that's how I stayed. Lying face down on the fluffy grass. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to die. Not yet... I couldn't be dead. I stil

Suddenly I felt sick with dizziness and nausea. I thought about calling Gabriel back to tell him what I was feeling, but I gave up. After all I could be sure of one thing; I would not die because I was feeling this way. I lay down and started to remember Mom, and the tears started to fall heavily. I thought about my fiancé and without realizing it, I began to compare him to Gabriel. An illogical comparison, of course. Julio and I were happy, we never fought. He was the synonym of friendship, kindness, understanding, human warmth... Gabriel, on the other hand, was coarse, pretentious, arrogant, had eyes of an incomparable green, beautiful skin... I stopped. What was I doing? I punched the pillow. Why did I have to think about him all the time? After all, he was a stranger... Suddenly I remembered our conversation and was intrigued... Why did that question move him so much? Could it be that he had not yet come to terms with being there? How long could it be that he had arrived there?

Yet, even amidst the pain of rejection, I felt that there was something intimate between the two of us as we kissed. There was a wanting that was greater than just desire. There was a delicious energy when we touched that invaded me. I know it was like that for him too, but something was holding him back. There was a wall around him that was impassable. Someone put it there and he let it or he built it himself.... I needed to know the reason for the rejection, because he would also be happy and feel the same emotions as me when I found a way around his fears. "Why?" I asked with bitterness in my voice. My grief was too great at that moment, but it was not like any grief I had ever been through. It was something much deeper. "You didn't want to let me go. It was the only way I could find..." He answered after a while as if he hadn't understood the question. "Wow, you are very persuasive. I'm impressed with your determination." I said wiping away tears. It was better to

Gabriel was unknowingly killing my curiosity by keeping his past a secret. I no longer had any doubt that we had met in some life time. And that he was trying to hate me for something that happened when we met. I just didn't understand how he couldn't see the injustice in blaming me and taking revenge when I didn't even remember what had occurred. I seriously believe that no one is the same as they were a minute ago, so lifetimes ago was a lot of change a person went through. I had changed since I came to that place. I was no longer the same as I had been on earth. A lot of things I did I would stop doing and a lot of things I didn't do I would do. If I came back it would be different. How can Gabriel not understand this? He too must have undergone changes. Everyone matures one day. But it seems he wants to stay focused on something I did in a life I didn't know and didn't even remember and that doesn't matter anymore because I was certainly not the same person who did whatever i

Despite what I said about him being a constant shadow in my life, he left me out there to decide for myself whether I would stay and wander around or go in and continue sharing my stay there with him. This choice was not difficult. Then I felt cold. A cold that only Gabriel could warm. Only the warmth of his arms could bring comfort to my anguished heart. I went in looking for him and found him in the shower. Even after our misunderstanding I felt free to open the door. I stood in the doorway and watched him, naked, soaping his body on his back. When he realized my presence he turned and faced me. I undressed without any shame, although I had never acted like this in my life. With him I felt free to be natural. I came closer. He looked at me with desire. I knew that I tried at all costs to evade his feelings, but it was a losing war. And that made me feel special. He wouldn't take just anyone to live in his house. This thought made some images go through my head, but I didn't concent