As if out of a trance, I woke up and then looked at everyone around me; Antonio, Dad, Geisa... I then understood what had happened and the tears welled up and wet my face endlessly.
"You mean then that's it? Have I died? Am I dead?"
They looked at each other in pity at my pain, and perhaps for this reason did not answer. They remained silent. But I didn't need to. The presence of Dad and Geisa was in itself a confirmation of the unspoken words. Without thinking about anything else I ran away. I needed to hide, or maybe even get out of this nightmare. I didn't want it to be true. I started to pray that I would wake up in my house, in my bed, in my room. I ran as fast as I could without looking back. In fact, I didn't even look ahead. The tears blurred my vision... How could I know where to go? I eventually collapsed from exhaustion. And that's how I stayed. Lying face down on the fluffy grass. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to die. Not yet... I couldn't be dead. I still had many plans for the future... Projects I started and didn't finish... Deadlines and trips with days to go... I couldn't stay there. It was impossible to accept that I would never see the people I loved again. It was ironic! Pure irony to think that after having mourned my loved ones, I was now mourning my own death...Ah Mom... My chest hurt just thinking how much I must have been suffering... Another loss... I could imagine her pain... If only I had listened to her instead of following my impulses But... Would it change anything? Was it really my time? Could nothing I did change this fatality? Was it my destiny? Calmer now, I sat down on the floor and wiped my tears with the back of my hand. How would my fiancé be without me? What about my mother? She couldn't bear to go through all this suffering again. What about my brothers? My God! My sister-in-law was about to give birth and wouldn't even meet my nephew? And Emerson was about to introduce his girlfriend to his family and I wouldn't be there to share his happiness... Suddenly there was a light at the end of the tunnel, maybe it was not the end! There was still some hope... Maybe I could come back... But of course! When I was alive, I never believed in life after death, but now that I know the truth maybe the other theory was also true... The reincarnation theory! But on second thought it wouldn't work. The reality was disheartening. The chances were slim and I eventually dismissed the idea. Even if it were possible to return, I would never get to see them, who knows in which family I would be born? I wouldn't recognize them. And my fiancé would be too old by the time he finally reached adulthood and certainly married. I came to the conclusion that death is really the end. End of the past, end of dreams, end of hope for the future, end of sharing the tastes and sorrows of life. I lost everything! The people I love, my past, my future, my projects... Everything was left behind. It is horrible not to be able to take control of life. I used to think that when a loved one left for another world, the loss was greater for the family than for the one who was gone, because he would no longer feel pain, cold, or homesickness... How wrong I was. Now I know that the person who leaves loses much more. Those who are still there, despite the eternal feeling that someone is missing, have only lost a loved one. But life goes on and you can find solace in other things and other people... But who dies will find solace where? If he has lost everything and everyone at once?
I would do anything to see them again... And tell them everything I always thought they knew and that's why I kept quiet. That I loved them! To hug Mom and tell her not to cry anymore, that death was just a passage and that when her time came I would be waiting for her... If I had known what was going to happen to me, I would have said goodbye... But because I was young, I thought I still had plenty of time. My youth deceived me.
"Don't torment yourself so much, dear... You'll see them all again.
Hearing my father's voice, I raised my head and there were Dad and Antonio. I did not see Geisa and was not surprised that they had found me.
"How?"
"Not yet. First you need to rest, besides you are very confused and need to learn and understand some things." Antonio said as he helped me up.
"How did you know what you were thinking? How did you know you wanted to see my family again? Or was it a hunch? Or coincidence?" I asked as I accepted the hand he held out to me and stood up.
"There are no coincidences, only inevitable facts that always mean something. And answering your question; we knew what you were thinking because we read your thoughts."
"And how do you do that?"
My father offered me his arm and we started walking, while he answered me;
"Maybe you can do it too, but first you will have to be aware and accepting of your new condition. That is the first step. Things here, we are learning slowly, we are like newborns, learning almost without realizing it."
"Maybe I can adapt..."
"It will. Faster than you can imagine."
"Father, have you never felt that you left us? We have suffered your loss so much... And you seem so happy here.
"Actually, I have suffered a lot." He replied seriously. "I felt every wail, every pain and weeping of my family, and I confess that it all hurt my soul. It was a real torture not to be able to go back and console everyone, saying that everything was fine.... But as time went by I got used to it. I came to terms with it, finding compensations...".
"I will never come to terms with dying so soon. I had a whole perspective of a happy life ahead of me, like getting married, having children, having a normal life, full of small joys and occasional problems of everyday life. Those dreams were interrupted. I feel as if my whole life was violently stolen from me. No. I can't come to terms with it, and I don't believe there is anything that can make up for this loss."
"It really isn't easy for anyone. In the beginning it is even natural to think this way, but then we discover and understand that the death of the body does not mean the end, but the beginning of a new life. It's just a matter of time for you to accept that."
"Time! At least this is no longer an illusion, I have all the time in the world to digest that I have died." I said wryly.
Antonio walked over and hugged me.
"There is something you need to know.... And I'm sorry you have to know for me, but... I wouldn't be happy like you imagine. You would be very sick, Liza. Anyway it was better this way. The Great Divine Master spared you a great deal of pain."
"What are you talking about?" I asked puzzled, disengaging myself from the embrace. "After all, she was a healthy young woman. You weren't in any pain at all, and you hardly ever caught a cold."
"No. You weren't. You had cancer. You would find out sooner than you realize now."
The fears those words brought to me left me speechless. I no longer wanted to know what my life would be if I stayed there. Not from Antonio's perspective. He was kind, but he was also very fatalistic. I myself had seen people get cured of cancer. It was no longer a death sentence. If I had found out while I was alive, I would fight to stay with my family.
We continued walking and the beauty of the place, which I was now paying more attention to, made me forget the evil that I believed was afflicting me. We walked along a road lined with grass and flanked by pleasantly scented trees, where the flowers competed in equality of beauty. This path led us to an imposing mansion. It was all golden, the color of the sun, and there were endless windows facing the landscape. I had never seen something so big and so beautiful.
"This is like a kind of hospital. You will stay here for a while, so that you can recover and be ready to learn and enjoy the wonders of this place. Now I will leave you in the care of Antonio, he will accompany you." My father said looking in wonder at the mansion. It was as if he was seeing it for the first time. But his words caused my moment of contemplation to lose its luster, and I stared at him sadly and held his arm as I saw that he was walking away.
"Don't leave me..." I begged. But deep down I knew I should let him go. I didn't have strong enough arguments to get him to spend more time with me.
"I'm sorry, Lisa. But I need to help some brothers, I can feel their call, and that is my task here. Maybe you will have yours too once you recover.... I promise to come visit you as soon as I can."
"I don't want a task. I want us to be together. Haven't you already kept us apart for too long? Haven't I suffered enough of your absence?" I knew I was being childish and blackmailing, but I couldn't help it.
"Soon you won't even remember me or any other relatives you had in life on earth anymore. But I promise you that as long as you are here, we will always be together. As long as it takes." He said and kissing on my forehead, he left. As I watched him walk away I felt that we would see very little of each other despite what he had just said. I never valued words, preferring to observe attitudes.
Antonio held my arm and together we entered the large hall of the mansion. Looking around, apart from the size, everything was like a luxury hotel reception. The same people coming and going, the same buzz, porters taking and bringing bags, a restaurant with couples chatting, while the discreet waiter waited on the table. We approached the reception desk and the boy on the other side immediately picked up a binder looking bored.
"Name?" he asked with an air of weariness as if he did that many times a day.
"Elizabeth." I replied omitting the last name on purpose. Showing him that I did not approve of his indifferent attitude.
He still kept his pen on the paper for a while, as if expecting me to continue. When I didn't continue, he raised his head with a smile on his lips. Only then did I realize how beautiful he was... He had black hair and eyes and dark skin that contrasted with his smile with its very white teeth, thus increasing his charm. It ended up that that beauty left me disconsolate.
"Sorry, I always joke like this with newcomers. It's a way to relax and have fun... And not everyone takes the attitude you did. Some jump up here on the other side of the counter to hit me." He said smiling happily.
"I didn't like the 'joke' and I can't believe you think that's funny..."
"It must be because you have no sense of humor." He said and fell into laughter.
That attitude of his made me puzzled.
"I think you're working too hard. Why don't you take a vacation?"
"Vacation?!" He repeated and started laughing even harder, and the worst part is that Antonio this time followed him. When they managed to calm down from their hysteria, they both looked at each other, sad and serious. Then I understood. Everyone there has a feeling of emptiness. Everyone is waiting for something bigger in their lives. Well... I was not the only one. Not that knowing that was any consolation to me.
"I'm Marcos." He introduced himself. "And I want you to know that it's a pleasure to meet you.
"Thank you. It was also a pleasure to meet you, Marcos."
"Would you prefer to have your chart filled out in the bedroom? You look very tired..."
"If it's not too much work, I'd prefer yes, please."
"It's no trouble at all. Even because, I will ask your doctor to fill it out."
"Why the use of bureaucracy here?"
"Because we have become accustomed to it. It would be very difficult to adapt here, if it were not for the equivalence of the various worlds we have passed through. Few would be able to accept the new situation. So you keep that balance, until the person gets used to it and understands that they can be happy on a new plane." He said and became thoughtful. "But it's interesting to see a person looking for data from other times they've come through here.... Myself, that's what I did, as soon as I got the chance..."
"But why get used to it if you're all going to be reincarnated? It shouldn't be a place of long waits here.... At least that's what I imagine."
"Not everyone will leave here for a new world, but you are right about one thing. No one can stay here for long seasons..." He said and turned to Antonio. "Antonio, would you please escort Lisa to her room?" Marco asked handing Antonio the keys. I don't know if it was something I said, but he suddenly seemed too rushed to see me away.
"Sure. E... Is he here yet?"
"Yes. I'll send her chart to him, since he should be waiting by now."
"Yes. Shall we go, Lisa?"
"Let's go."
As we walked along my curiosity grew and I couldn't help but inquire Antonio.
"Antonio, tell me who is "he"?"
"He who?" Antonio looked confused for a moment, but I noticed the glow of understanding soon after. "Oh yes! We were talking about your doctor."
"Is that really all? I mean... I had the feeling there was something hidden..."
"I admire your insight." He said with a surprised air. "But I'm not allowed to talk about that subject. I'm sorry, but you'll have to find out on your own."
"That's fine. It's probably nothing important anyway..."
He didn't answer and we continued walking. We walked through several hallways and doors, until we came to one number four. Then another session of hallways and doors, until we found the door that had my name on a blue plaque. When we entered the room, I forgot about Antonio's presence, because I was so surprised. It seemed as if I was in my own room in the earthly home. I went to the window and was pleased to know that I had a view of the front of the mansion. Then I took a closer look at the room that consisted of a dressing table, a nightstand, a closet, and I was happy to open it and see all my clothes and even a doll that I kept from the many I had. And my clothes were folded in my own way. How was this possible? The only difference, I only now realized, was a door on the side of the closet. Curious, I went to see what it was about and was surprised to discover a fabulous bathroom, it even had a bathtub! And it was already full, so I went closer to feel the temperature of the water...
"I hope it's to your liking."
I was so startled to hear this voice that I almost fell into the tub, I didn't like the feeling of being caught in fragrance as if I was doing something wrong. The owner of the voice was a man all dressed in white, who was standing with his arms crossed, leaning on the doorway. I wondered how long he had been watching me. I looked around for Antonio, remembering him for the first time since I entered the room. I didn't like the interruption of that man. I don't know what expression my face had, for I was lost in thought. And besides, it was unsettling that someone had come so close to me without me realizing it. I felt that I was getting angry with this situation, and the strangest thing was that I also knew that there was no reason for it.
"Antonio went to take care of other newly awakened people." He said in a sweet voice. Which made me think I had talked to him before, however, I would never forget if I had actually seen him before. His presence seemed to fill the room and complete what was missing inside me. And that displeased me. It was insane, but I didn't like it. I was about to ask him how he knew what I was thinking, when I remembered in time where I was.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Gabriel."
"The angel?!" I asked in amazement. Could I be talking to an angel? With those blond, curly hair and those unparalleled, and expressive green eyes! Perfect skin, perfect mouth... But... No, he was not an angel. He couldn't be with that devilish smile adorning his lips. He was beautiful. Very beautiful. And he emanated a lot of determination, but not for good. I felt a lot of persuasive energy and even some strong negative feelings coming from him, how could negative feelings coexist there? After all, is this a place of good people? Maybe I was just confused. It was better not to rush to judgments of character. For a second, that impression that I had seen him before, or that he reminded me of someone, wouldn't leave me... I shook my head to scare the thoughts away. I was so tired that I was already imagining things. If I had really seen him before, I was sure I would remember, as had been made clear in my thoughts. That feeling was unfounded.
"Are you done with the inspection?" He inquired between amused, cocky, and impatient.
At his remark, I opened my mouth indignantly to protest, when I then realized that I really hadn't taken my eyes off him since he arrived. I felt dislike for him, not because of anything he said, but because of the mania to blame others for our own indiscretion. Of course, at that moment, I didn't think so.
"I am your doctor and not an angel as you just suggested..." He said with a sarcastic smile.
"No. Of course not. But without wanting to be rude, I don't need you right now. Especially someone so ... Arrogant. And besides I'm not sick, but I might end up getting sick if I keep looking at your face." I returned in the same sarcastic tone. Despite the antipathy, I was pleased to be able to tease him. It was also news to me, but he didn't seem surprised by my audacity.
"If you didn't need me, I can assure you that I would gladly dismiss you, but unfortunately for you, here, it's me who decides whether you need me or not. And please get in that tub right away and take a bath!"
"Have you gone mad? Get out of here!"
"You don't have the authority to dismiss me, young lady. Besides, you look exhausted, I thought a bath was a good idea. And as your doctor, I recommend that you allow me to help.
"I am exhausted yes, but I don't need your help you...Cretin!"
He laughed.
"Easy, I just wanted to help, and not the way you're thinking. After all you are as dirty as your thoughts..." He said making a disgusted face.
That comment drove me crazy! It shouldn't be that bad... I ran to the mirror in the closet and was horrified at my appearance. My hair, always so well groomed, looked like a rat's nest, my face was all dirty and smudged, and my eyes, which had always been my pride because they were a different color of gray, looked like a polluted river. My clothes were all torn and dirty.... But of course it was! After all, I had an accident! I went back to the door, from which he had not come out, and standing right in front of him, I lifted my head to face him (he was very tall), and stared at him defiantly. He seemed to be having a great time with it all. I was too, until he referred to my appearance. A voice in my head insisted that I was challenging someone special. But I decided to ignore it.
