Napalunok ako habang pinapanood ang lalaking dating nagmamahal sa akin na ikasal sa ibang babae. Ilang ulit ko nang naitanong sa sarili ko kung bakit? Bakit niya ako niloko?
He promised me marriage... and yet he left me. Ako ang pinangakuan pero hindi pinakasalan.Kanina pa ako nakatayo rito sa labas. Nanginginig ang mga tuhod ko habang nakikita silang nagkakasiyahan. Hindi ko matanggap na masaya siya! He should be hurt! Dahil nasasaktan ako! At hindi ko matanggap na ako lang ang nasasaktan habang siya ay masaya!I've questioned myself many times. Ano bang mali sa akin? Bakit ako pinagpalit? Binigay ko naman ang lahat sa kanya... pero parang kulang pa rin... dahil pinagpalit niya pa rin ako.I gathered all my remaining strength and finally showed up.All eyes looked at me as I walk through their backyard. Despite the pain and betrayal I'm feeling, I smiled. I know that all their eyes are on me now."Who is she?""Hmmm, she's familiar,""She was Jake's date in his last event!""Iyong mukhang basura?"Then they all laughed."Is she even invited here?""Well, alam niyo naman ang mga basura...they still come to a party even if they do not belong to it."Huminga ako nang malalim para itago na naapektuhan ako sa mga sinasabi nila. I didn't let them see that I was hurting to all their hurtful banters.Maybe this is one of the reason he left me. Magkaiba ang buhay na mayroon kami. He comes from a successful and powerful family. Habang ako, galing sa isang mahirap na pamilya.I'm not and will never be ashamed of that. I'm proud.Nawala ang ngiti sa labi nina Jake at Allison habang nakatingin sa akin. He's looking at me with his jaw clenched while his arms were wrapped around Allison's waist.My heart hurt because of it. That was me months ago! Pero ngayon... iba na."Congratulations... Allison, and to my ex fiancée, Jake." I gave them my sweetest smile. Sa mukha nila ngayon, aakalain mong ako si Malificent na handa silang isumpa.Jake whispered something on Allison before walking to me.He grabbed my hand as he whispered to my ear. "What are you doing here? Please just please." I can hear his voice, begging."You didn't invite me. I just came here to greet you and also to witness the wedding I sho--" natigilan ako nang hilahin niya ako palayo doon.He didn't say anything. Nagpatianod na lang ako sa hila niya. Their guests are already watching us while whispering. Nang makalayo at makalabas sa reception ay saka ako hinarap ni Jake. His eyes are fired up. Nag-aapoy ito sa galit habang naka-igting ang panga."Hindi mo ba talaga kami tatantanan? Ash please! Move on!" he said as his eyes blazed with fire.Tinanggal ko ang aking kamay sa pagkakahawak niya dahil sa sinabi niya. How dare he? How can he tell me to move on despite the things that he's done? Ang kapal ng mukha niya.Tiningnan ko siya nang deretso sa kanyang mga mata."Move on? No. Of course not. I won't move on. I will let you and your wife feel the pain you let me feel—""I swear, if you did something bad to my wife and to my family, I'd kill you," he cut me off only to hurt me with his words.I smiled. Despite the pain that I was feeling because of his words, I smiled. In spite of all the things that he has done to me, I smiled. I managed to smile yet I wasn't happy.I grabbed his collar and kissed his lips. Sinubukan niya akong itulak pero hinigpitan ko ang pagkakakapit ko sa kanya. I'm waiting him to push me with all his strength but he didn't. My hopes arise because of it.He still loves me! I knew it! He should've pushed me hard if he didn't!Ipinalibot ko ang aking mga kamay sa kanyang batok at mas pinag-igihan pa ang paghalik sa labi niya. This time, he stopped escaping and let me kiss him. He's not responding to my kisses but the fact that he's letting me savor his lips feels like heaven to me. I tried to enter my tounge on his lips but I can't because he's greeting his teeth. Huminto ako sa paghalik sa kanya at tiningnan siya sa kanyang mga mata."Nakalimutan mo na ba kung paano ang humalik? Why? Aren't you kissing your friend? Or hindi ba siya masarap hindi gaya ko—"Hindi ko na natuloy pa ang sasabihin ko nang bigla niya akong diniin sa dingding at hinalikan nang madiin. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko but after a few moments, I responded to his kisses. He entered his tounge on my mouth. I opened my eyes only to see his wife, Allison, watching us. I can see the pain and hatred in her eyes and I felt satisfied.Alam kong mali ito pero wala na akong pakealam. I only want to bring back the pain they gave me!Napa-ungol ako nang mas pag-igihan niya pa ang paghalik sa akin. He's now kissing me on my neck when Allison spoke."J-Jake, stop..." natatarantang itinulak ako ni Jake sa dingding at nilingon ang asawa.Tumilapon ako sa dingding dahil sa biglaang tulak niya. I grunted because of pain. Jake looked at me and I thought he would help me... but he didn't.He didn't even ask if I'm okay.Pinuntahan niya kaagad ang asawa niyang ngayon ay umiiyak na. Binalot niya ito sa kanyang mga bisig habang bumubulong nang kung ano-ano.I know what I did was wrong but I felt satisfied. Tumayo ako at naglakad palapit sa kanila. Huminto ako sa kanilang tapat."Congratulations for the wedding, Allison. And Jake, your lips still taste sweet. Pero parang kumukupas ka na, sayang naman..." saad ko, pinipigilang manginig ang boses dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman.Linunok ko ang bara sa lalamunan ko at nilampasan silang dalawa. I heard Allison's curses towards me but I didn't bother to look at them.Ang mga taong nadadaanan ko ay nagbubulong-bulongan."Kabit siya?""Ano pa bang ie-expect mo eh basura 'yan?""They kissed!""Hindi! Ang humalik ay ang haliparot na babaeng 'yan hindi si Jake. Malandi kasi."Hindi ko pinansin lahat ng iyon. Their words are like daggers being thrown at my heart. Masakit, nakakasugat, at nakamamatay.Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad nang may biglang humawak sa braso ko. Jake held my hand tightly. Madilim siyang nakatingin sa akin. Namumula ang mga mata habang naka-igting ang panga."You know what? Fuck you! What we had was nothing, Ash! Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ka nasasaktan eh. I paid you, nakalimutan mo na ba? Allison and I were in a relationship back then. At lahat ng nangyari sa atin? It was nothing but purely sex. You are nothing but a whore, a mistress. Always remember that... bitch." sigaw niya na mas lalong pumatay sa puso ko.Sunod-sunod na tumulo ang aking mga luha. Hindi ko alam bakit pa ako nasasaktan nang ganito. I thought nasanay ko na ang sarili kong masaktan. Para kapag hinarap ko sila ay hindi na ako masasaktan pa. But I was wrong.Maybe because this is not what I expected for. Deep inside my heart, no matter how many times he hurts me and says that he no longer loves me, I still expected him to beg at me. That he would ask me back in his life because he once told me that he couldn't live without me. But looking at the situation right now, it seems like all of those were mere lies and my chance is now broken.I was like a wave that is always coming back and forth to reach the shore, and that is me... who always comes back to his life, trying to reach the only dream I have, to be married at him... but fate doesn't want me to.I think, no matter how hard we try to get the things we want, when the fate refuses us to, nothing will happen, aside from us being broken and shattered... into pieces.I couldn't really get fate. I asked and tried everything I could to end up with him. But I just ended up in my bedroom with tears cascaded falling down my face.Tumingin ako sa salamin sabay ngiti. After this, I promise... my heart will be alive and free again.Kailangan ko pa palang masaktan ulit para matuto na talagang wala na. Kahit na ano pa ang gawin ko, wala na.Ano na kayang ginagawa nila ngayon? Are they enjoying this night with them being married? Gusto kong tumakbo papunta sa sasakyan ko pero kailangan kong pigilan ang sarili ko.Dali-dali akong bumaba upang kuhanin ang tali na meron ako. Nang makita ito, a smile appears on my face.Umakyat ako papunta sa kwarto ko at ginawa ang nararapat gawin. This is the only thing I know to stop my self from doing something I don't want to do.Itinali ko ang mga paa ko sa kama nang mahigpit. Hindi ko man lang maramdaman ang sakit. I feel pain, but not physical pain.I was about to do the same in my hands when the door opened. I smiled when I saw him."Atlas! T-Tulungan mo nama--" I stopped when he enveloped me in his arms and started crying. I don't know what's wrong and why he's crying."T-Tutulungan kita pero... Ash naman... tulungan mo rin naman ang sarili mo," he said while crying and sobbing."H-Hoy ano ka ba! Ayos lang ako kailangan k-ko lang nang tulong mo. Tulungan mo naman akong i-itali ang kamay ko please?" I smiled and did every thing I could to look like a cute puppy. I know he couldn't resist me when my face is like this.He did nothing but hug me though and I don't know what happened but I just found myself crying out loud. Shouting because of the physical pain I'm feeling on my foot that I didn't feel before.I heard him saying I love yous to me until everthing went to black."Always put in your mind the reasons why we're doing these—helping other people, giving them their needs, and providing everything we can to make their life be more comfortable... for them." Tiningnan niya kami nang isa-isa at saka tinanguan. This is how I see my life—meaningful. Ang makatulong sa ibang taong nangangailangan ang isa sa mga gusto kong gawin. Ganon naman talaga 'di ba. When you have the means of helping other people, you must help them without expecting in return. "Ash, sabay tayong umuwi huh? Ayusin ko lang ang mga gamit ko." ani Gizelle. Ito na ang ika-labing buwan ko rito sa organisasyong ito. At sa loob ng limang buwang iyon, naging malapit na rin ang loob ko sa ibang mga miyembro nito kagaya na lamang ni Gizelle. Tumango ako sa kanya at dumiretso na sa mga gamit ko upang mag-ayos na rin. Katatapos lang naming magbigay ng mga medicines and ready-to-eat foods sa mga taong nakatira sa lansangan. I want to give them a house that they can live with. But I don't have
"Hoy Ash, kanina ka pa tulala riyan. Kanina pa ako talak nang talak dito 'di ka naman nakikinig. Iniisip mo pa rin ba yung kahapon?" Napalingon ako kay Gizelle na malungkot na nakitingin sa akin."Of course not, I'm not just really in the mood to talk." I lied. Napangiwi siya dahil sa naging sagot ko. Well, I'm not talking because I'm not in the mood to do so. Ewan ko ba. Simula nang nangyari kahapon nawalan na ako ng gana. "Buti pa bumalik na tayo patapos na rin ang break natin." aya ni Gizelle.Tinapon lang namin ang plastics ng mga pagkain namin at saka kami dumeretso sa organisasyon. Bawat linggo may mga donations na dumarating sa organisasyon at bawat linggo rin namin itong hinahanda bago ipamigay."Gizelle, pabilang naman nitong mga canned foods para mahati na natin kung ilang canned foods ang ibibigay sa bawat isa." ani Joy, isa sa mga kasama naming volunteers.Gizelle frowned because of Joy's order. Ewan ko ba rito kay Gizelle. Pagkapasok ko pa lang rito ay hindi na talaga ma
Sunod-sunod ang naging bati sa kanya ng mga bisita pagpasok namin sa kanyang tahanan. His house is as big as the mansions I'm seeing in the movies. Tumingin ako sa katabi ko na hanggang ngayon ay patuloy pa rin ang pakikipag-usap sa kanyang mga bisita. Kanina pa ako nakatayo sa gilid niya pero hanggang ngayon ay wala pa ring nakapapansin sa akin. Jake took a glance at me and held my hand. "Tita Helen, this is Ash my date for tonight," Pagpapakilala sa akin ng lalaki. Umismid ang isang babaeng batid kong kanyang tinawag kanina. "She's currently taking Business Management in TSU." Pagmamalaki niya pa ngunit tila walang talab ito sa mga kaharap namin.He excused himself for a while when someone talks to him. Binigyan ko ang kaharap namin ng aking pinakamagandang ngiti at saka inilahad ang aking kamay. "Hi po, uhmm I'm Ash po and I am currently taking up Busin-" Saad ko na agad pinutol ng 'di ko kilalang matandang babae."Paulit-ulit ka? Jake already introduced you. We don't need to hear
Yumayakap ang malamig na simoy ng hangin sa aking balat. I closed my eyes as I feel the coldness touches my skin. I breathed in and out deeply. Inilagay ko ang aking dalawang kamay sa mainit na tasa na nasa aking harapan. Sumimsim ako nang kaunti sa aking mainit na kape.Whenever I can't sleep, I just get myself a coffee and feel the cold breeze in the middle of the night. Tumingin ako sa langit na punong-puno ng mga butuin. This is the life I wanted and dreamt for. A peaceful life. But I know that when the morning comes, everything will be back to normal. A stressful life and noisy people. Sometimes I wonder, if everyone was given the privelege to choose the kind of life and family that they live with, would evereyone be at right hands and right path? But if I was given a chance? I think...I will never choose another family to live with...because the family I have in this lifetime, is beyond astonishing and amazing. I might feel unfortunate sometimes but I would always tell myself
Masama ang pakiramdam ko nang lumabas ako sa office ni Mama. Lagi na lang ganito. I promise to myself that when my contract ends, I'm not going to sign for another contract anymore. I'm tired of this shit.Pumunta ako sa bar table para humingi ng isang shot ng whiskey. "Oh, Ash ngayon na lang kita ulit nakita rito ah?" tanong ni Bryan."I'm busy, alam mo namang nag-aaral ako hindi ba?" Isa siya sa mga naging ka-close ko rito sa bar na'to. He's 23 years old at mas matanda siya sa akin ng dalawang taon.He smirked at me while getting my order. "Bakit pa ba kailangang mag-aral? Nagsasayang ka lang ng oras mo riyan, Ash." Sabay bigay sa akin ng isang basong whiskey."Hindi ito aksaya ng oras dahil para naman 'to sa pangarap ko at para na rin sa pamilya ko." Simple kong sagot sa kanya sabay tungga sa basong hawak ko. Napapikit ako nang yumakap ang mainit na pakiramdam sa aking lalamunan.Tiningnan ko si Bryan na ipinagpapatuloy ang pagse-serve. I get his point...for him, studying is just a
Jake was kissing me roughly while his hands are massaging my breasts. He bit my lower lip that causes me to moan and he used that as a chance to enter his tounge in my mouth. Ginagalugad ng kanyang dila ang bawat parte ng aking bibig. Pareho kaming hinihingal nang maghiwalay sa paglapat ang aming mga labi. "Good Morning, Ash." Hinawakan niya ang aking mukha at pinaulanan nang maraming mumunting halik ang aking mga labi."Good Morning, too." I asnwered back.His kisses went down to my jaw, down to my neck, and down to my collarbone. He's kissing me in my collarbone now while I'm holding his hair. Nakatingala na ang aking ulo habang kagat-kagat ang pang-ibabang labi dahil sa sarap na ipinaparanas niya sa akin ngayon.Tumingin siya sa akin nang hawakan niya ang dulo ng aking spaghetti strap. Pinunit niya ito na nagpadagdag sa tensiyon na aking nararamdaman ngayon. Fuck, I'm very much sure I'm wet down there already.Pinunit niya rin ang suot kong bra. Tinitigan niya ito ng mga ilang se
"Hindi ba talaga natin sila isasama?" I asked Jake when he said to me that the twins will be left behind their house.Gusto ko sanang sabihin na isama nalang namin sila dahil wala naman silang makakasama rito. However, I know my limits and boundaries. Jake is their brother. He knows what is good for them more than what I know.Huminga nang malalim si Jake at pinikit nang mariin ang kanyang mga mata. Halatang nagtitimpi na lang at anumang oras ay maaari niya na akong sipain palabas ng pamamahay niya."Please, Ash..." Hirap na sabi niya na parang mawawalan na talaga siya nang pasensiya.Well, if that's what he says. Naaawa lang naman ako sa kambal. Of course may mga kasama naman silang kasambahay. But still... Iniling ko na lamang ang mga naiisip ko at sumunod kay Jake palabas ng bahay. Nakita ko pang kumakaway sa akin si Lake habang nakasimangot naman si Take. Nagulat ako nang unti-unting umangat ang labi ni Take. Ngumisi siya!Dahil sa aking nasaksihan ay napangisi rin ako. "Ash, com
Ito na ang huling linggo ng pasok namin bago ang Christmas Holiday. Jake is always messaging me everyday. Sinabi niya na rin sa akin na we will travel on Friday night to go to Assucion, a hidden place in Siquijor.Pagkatapos niya akong ihatid sa bahay ay kinuha niya ang phone number ko. He says that it's just for emergency and future purposes only. Pero sa araw-araw na pag-text niya sa akin, it seems like he has a different agenda...kung hindi ko nga lang alam na may kailangan siya at ganun din ako.He needed me to act as his lover and to pleasure him and make him happy. While me, I need the money to provide for my family and education. It's a tie. Pero parang lugi siya.But well...I can still make him more satisfied in doing something...at bed.Isang tray ng pagkain ang pumatong sa tapat ng katabi kong upuan. I looked at that person and saw Jerkson. He's one of my classmates and one of the transferees. He's also a victim of bullying here. His big eyeglass doesn't suit with his hoode