Chapter 3

“Stop now, Ashin. You’ve had enough.”

Gina and Joshua are trying to stop me from getting more tequila. But I want more. I want more and more and more and more. If this could at least make me forget about all these things I am holding in right now, I’d like to drown myself with alcohol.

I yanked Gina’s hand away and grabbed another glass. I’m guessing, even the bartender is hesitating to give me one now. But I glared at him, so he finally gave me one.

“Ashin Kim! Stop drinking!” Gina hollered but I ignored her. To be honest, I don’t even know why I called her to meet me here. If she’s just going to bother me like this, then maybe she and her boyfriend could just go home and leave me alone.

Now I get the feeling of those people drinking to forget all the hurt they feel inside. Now I get why no matter how their friends tell them to stop, they couldn’t.

I wished everyone would understand me. I wished everyone would get the reason on why I am like this. Why am I choosing to drown myself in alcohol?

Two words. To forget.

This may not be permanent but I can live with this temporary relief of pain. Even just for tonight, I’d stop hurting from everything he did to me. How could he forget me?

I don’t get it!

He was the person who told me that he likes me, that he didn’t want to go around the bush. He was the man who told me he’d be there for me.

What the hell happened?

How can he sleep telling me he loves me to death one night then wake up not remembering me at all? How did he manage to forget me in a span of a night? How come? Why?

What have I done in my past life to actually deserve this treatment?

I drank the tequila one shot and slammed the shot glass on the bar.

“Ashin! What are you doing? You can’t handle alcohol!” I heard Gina exclaim but I couldn’t respond.

I am completely getting intoxicated and I like it. Everything is starting to get blurry. Everything is starting to get unclear.

Gina shook me to consciousness and I looked at her and laughed wildly. “Why must this happen to me?” I asked her, laughing as my tears start to cloud my eyes. I’m pretty sure I’ve drunken enough tequila but why does it still sting right in the heart?

I looked up and bit my lip before scoffing and letting all the tears fall. “He told me he loves me. He told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He told me I am the only one.” I ranted as the alcohol stroke in. “What happened to everything he told me? What happened to all his I love yous and We’ll be together forevers?”

I was bawling, totally breaking down in front of a lot of people. I don’t care. I just want to let this all out. I just want to shout how disappointed I am in him.

Gina just hugged me tight as I cried it all out. “Ssshhh…” She’s stroking my back so delicately. “It’s going to be alright. He’s going to remember you for sure.” She told me.

Right now, I don’t really know what to believe in. The truth is too painful to accept but how could I tell myself that it’s going to be alright? Won’t it hurt more if one believed in fantasy more than the reality in my face?

I don’t know. I’m lost and I lost.

--

I opened my eyes and felt like my head is going to break in half. Why did I even drink again when I know so well that I couldn’t handle the aftermath of alcohol?

The last time I got drunk like this is at the after-party of our college’s victory on my last year of college. Of course, Kieran was there to take care of me. He took me home and took care of me the whole night. Then he reprimanded me the next day and told me to never, ever come near any alcoholic beverages again.

And I never did.

Until now.

And I miss him. Even though I know he would get mad at me for getting drunk again, I still want it to be that way. I want to wake up drunk knowing that he would tell me how stubborn I am, that he would tell me to never ever go near tequila again.

I looked around and I broke down for another round. I can’t even count how many times I have been this weak for him. I have been so vulnerable that I can’t even do anything because when I remember everything that we shared, all I can do is to break down and cry.

I threw my pillow on the wall where his picture was pasted. “Damn you, Kieran Wu! How could you forget about me?!” I cried out and bawled even louder.

No one would ever understand how much pain I am going through right now – to what extent am I feeling this pain? To what extent do I have to feel this pain? I don’t know.

Dr. Harold Lee promised me that he would make Kieran remember me no matter what happens. But how can I even make myself believe in promises when every promise I have heard has been forgotten and broken?

My phone suddenly rang. It is Kieran’s mother. “Yes?” I accepted the call and answered with a broken and cracked voice.

“Ashin, can you come in the hospital today? Do you have to go to work?”

I was rather shocked to hear what she said. I can go to the hospital today? “For real?” I asked in disbelief.

“The doctor said someone should accompany Kieran today. I can’t make it because I have an important business meeting.”

My heart dropped at what she said. So it’s not because Kieran has finally remembered me. It’s because someone should be accompanying him.

“Oh. Sure.” I replied feeling sad about the reality.

How can I really make myself believe that the only person who told me I am the one forgot about me in an instant?

“Okay? I’ll count on you.”

I nodded and then ended the call as I tried to take the last words she told me in. She’s counting on me. Like how the hell would she do that when she knows that her son couldn’t even remember that I am the one he loves?

But otherwise, I prepared to go to the hospital. I am feeling very nervous. I am feeling very anxious. I’ve never even thought I would be this anxious to meet him. Before, all I could feel was excitement. But now?

Oh hell I want to stop time so I couldn’t know how he will react to me. I want to stop time so I won’t feel any pain anymore. I am at my most vulnerable state. Tell me something sad and I would quickly cry and bawl more than anyone else.

I walked to his room as I arrived at the hospital.

My heart is thumping really loud against my chest. I can actually feel my chest rise. I can actually hear my heartbeats.

I don’t even know why this is happening to me.

I stopped at his hospital room door and suddenly, I felt like this is the most challenging moment of my life. I felt like this is a do or die situation for me.

I slowly turned the knob and stopped when I heard giggles from the room. I am sure that the sound of the laugh came from Kieran but there was a woman’s voice.

“Kieran, don’t make me remember!” The woman’s voice whined.

I shut my eyes as I controlled everything I am feeling in. Why did I even come at this time? Why did I even agree to come for him this time when someone is actually with him right now?

Why did I have to push myself when he doesn’t even need me?

“What are you doing here?”

I flinched in shock when I heard Dr. Harold’s voice from behind. I looked at him and saw him staring back at me with a raised brow.

“Doctor Lee!” I hissed still couldn’t recover from the shock. “What are you doing here?” I asked softly so Kieran and the girl won’t hear me.

He narrowed his eyes on me. “I’m a doctor here and I will see my patient.” He replied innocently. “What about you?”

I sighed and glanced at the small opening between the door and wall. “I came because Mrs. Wu told me to look after her son.” I replied.

He gave me another look. “Why are you talking like he’s not your fiancé?” He asked me.

I shrugged and then we looked at the door, hearing the same sounds of laugh from the inside. My heart is slowly ripping into pieces. I don’t know if loving was this painful but what the hell? I feel like I would die from a heart attack with this kind of sadness.

Dr. Lee didn’t speak as he seemed to understand the situation. He took one last glance at the door and the he took my hand.

My eyes widened. “Wait. Where are we going?” I asked.

He pointed inside the room with his mouth. “Inside. You want to go inside, right?” He cocked his head to the side.

I slowly nodded. “But…” I hesitated to utter the next words.

Sure I want to go inside and see the person I miss the most. But would I rather go inside and see him laughing with someone and let it slowly kill me? I don’t know.

I shook my head and took my hand back. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m ready to face the truth.” I told him as I looked down. I can’t even face him and I don’t know why.

Dr. Lee lifted my chin up and made me face him. “You are his fiancée. That’s the only truth you and him have to face.” He told me and then pulled me inside the room.