001

CLYONE

Silence filled my ears the moment I turned off the car engine. My eyes never left the sight of the big white house at the right side of the road. The purity of its whiteness is just as pure as its owner; you. And I don't think I could find someone who's just as pure as you do, because you will remain as the purest boy I've ever loved and met. 

A tiny smile formed in my lips. The house remained as how it was when I left it. The rambling white roses that climbs up at the four poles that supports the roof for the small terrace infront the house is still beauteous even after it left months ago. In fact, only the rain that came from the past few months waters it as I don't have the guts to see anything that relates to you. Somehow, I felt guilty for not taking care of what you treat as treasure even though you asked me to.

The wooded line that is connected above the four poles that supports the roof were also covered in rambling roses. The three windows that could be seen in the front have window boxes filled with white petunia flowers. They were supposed to have red and purple, too, since I wanted it to be colorful, but you wanted everything to be in white and green. Even the flowers that grows in the frontyard only have two colors; white as for the flower of the plants and green for its leaves and grass. Everything looks viable as if they are taken care by someone. Perhaps, you're still there?

I sighed as I bit my bottom lip. Two months may seem too short to get over it, but I think I have the guts now. I think I could reminisce the memories back now, even though it's gonna be painful to do so when everything is still a fresh memory for me.

I swallowed hard before I opened the door next to me and get out of the car with my eyes still on the house.

There were other houses near yours too, but the place became a ghost town because of the silence it is holding. It was as if they were sympathazing with the misery I am going through.

As I walk nearer to the gate, my footsteps get heavier and heavier, as if the memory itself is stopping a visitant to reminisce whatever is inside because they know how much pain they could cause and they are guilty for doing so, but no. Tragic memory or not, I am willing to recall everything just to feel you beside me again. If that's the only way to have you near again, I am willing to take the risk. Even if it means crying everyday again. Besides, what's the difference? No day had passed of me not crying. It's always the same thing. Everything.

Once again, I swallowed hard as I closed my eyes tightly, the moment I touched the gate's lock. I'm not even entering yet, but my eyes started to water again. Please, Clyone, for the sake of him, just get your ass in. Don't you think it's upsetting for him to not visit after what happened?

I took a deep breath before I opened my eyes. I, then, take a glance on what I am holding. Just cry it out if you want to, but not leave again after driving for hours. Don't make your purpose useless. You've contemplated enough to back off.

After a moment of contemplating, I finally let myself in. The noise from swinging the rusty gate filled my ears. If the whole village became a ghost town, then this one specific place became a ghost house.

My eyes never left the door, contemplating again whether to let myself in on the second door or just leave. Here goes my feet again for feeling heavier than earlier. Is it you who's stopping me or just myself because I don't think I am ready?

I roamed my eyes around. Usually, this kind of silence scares me, but maybe not today. Not at this place.

I heaved out a sigh before walking towards the door while fishing out the key in my shirt dress' right pocket. When I get there, I immediately inserted the key inside the padlock's hole. But instead of unlocking it, I closed my eyes, hoping that a cheerful guy will come out from behind to scare the hell out of me like usual.

"One..." I counted, almost a whisper. 

"Two," I continued, lips trembling from fear. 

"Three," Still holding to my hope, eyes were closed tightly, afraid of accepting the reality.

"Please, come out. I'll be waiting 'til ten." My grip from the key tighten as well, but it's not as tight as how I am holding to my hope now.

Four, five, six. I'm starting to lose my grip on the hope I am saying. Seven, eight, nine. Although, I already sound like giving up earlier, my hope got bigger as I am hoping that maybe you will come out at the last number.

"Ten." I give up. There's no you anymore and will never be. It's just myself giving such false hope.

I sighed as I unlocked the door. I invited myself in and let the familiar scent lingered in my nose. Smells like a vanilla . I closed my eyes as I breathed for more. The sweetness will remain indelible. That's the smell of the home I am craving for. The smell of the world where I wanted to live in. The smell of... you.

When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was the fort we left at the living room. The couches were removed because you wanted to replace it with a fort. I couldn't help but smile as I toddled towards there.

We used almost all of your blankets for the roof. We actually used curtains too for the other fort we made in the frontyard. There were throwpillows and rectangular pillows all in white sheets organized next to each other on the wall. There were stuffed toys in different sizes and pillows in different shapes that made them look like one of the stuffed toys as well. Some of the toys are my gift for you; some are just stuffs you bought for yourself. Underneath them is a white blanket with furs and at the top of it lies a comforter. There's also an empty laptop table at the corner.

We both love fluffy stuffs, I must say. And they were remained untouch. I wonder if you ever visit here, wondering if I finally came. Well, I came and actually hoping you'd show up too.

I beamed and took off my boots before crawling to the fort. I sat at the fluffy blanket, leaned on the wall and faced the large television infront. I roamed my eyes around. Everything really remained untouched the way I left them before.

I stayed for a while, observing every corner that reminds me of you. Wherever I look, a figure of you and a smiling face of yours will pop up. Why do I have to struggle like this though?

After a few moment, I get up and walked quietly to the stairs. Every step made a quiet creaking sound as I go up, breaking the silence. I went straight to the first door I passed by. Your room to be specific

A cold breeze greeted me when I opened the door. I smiled. Are you here? You better not give me another false hope. I already gave one to myself earlier.

I let out a soft chuckle before letting myself in. The first thing I saw was a thick line of garnered photos of the two of us. Some are just photos of stuffs we used in that vacation.

I quietly shut the door behind me before walking up to the wall next to the door.

My eyes got stucked on this one specific photo - your photo, to be specific. Even though your face here looks so pale, a euphoric smile is still evident in your face that made me smile too. At least, you are happy, right?

I swallowed as my trembling hand reached for the photo were my eyes are stucked at. I unattached it from the wall and stared.

My eyes became watery again, making my visiom blurry to glance at that pretty face of yours. 

Just then, memories started filling my mind.

It was 23rd of March in late night when you called.

"Hey," I wisphered as I took off my shoes with my phone pressed to my right ear. My brows furrowed when silence filled my ear. I stopped from what I am doing and straightened my back.

"Deron?"

"Where are you?" 

My brows furrowed more before I took off the other pair of my shoes. You would usually greet me with a very cheerful tone and a tormenting conversation will start, but today seemed different. The silence and whispers hits different.

"Just got home with my family. We celebrated since I got accepted in job," I answered as I walk towards my bed. I placed my purse on the top of the bedside table and sat at the bed.

"I called you actually because I wanted to invite you. Did you received the calls?"

"Just... saw them. Sorry."

"Are you okay?" 

A long pause filled the converstion. Just then, I knew something was wrong. From the silence of the place of wherever you are and your dolefulness. The melancholy was just too evident to be noticed.

"Deron," I called out. You, then, responded a soft hum.

"What's wrong?"

"Can you come over?"

I looked over the wall clock above the door. It's quite late and you'd usually come over instead if you want to see me at late night, but now, you're suddenly asking me to come over.

"Can't you come over instead? It's quite late. Your house is two hours away from here. Besides, I'm quite tired now."

"I miss you."

I let out a small smile before slumping to the bed.

"We just met yesterday."

"Yesterday's different from today. I'll ask Daniel to drop you here instead. Is that fine?"

I remained silent. The softness of your tone still lingers in my ear, and somehow, even though I love that tone of yours whenever you are talking as it reminds how much you wanted to be with me, it gives me a worrisome feeling.

"Wanna FaceTime instead?"

"No."

I sighed. Perhaps, you are going through something distressing, I thought. I wonder what would happen if I kept my stubbornness. Will I ever meet you the next day if I just cut the call?

"Fine."

"Pack some stuffs. I want you to spend a week in here."

Right, a week. A seven day vacation I wished would and could last longer. A week is quite a long vacation, actually, but spending it with you feels like a short period of time. Especially, if the plans I wanted to do with you will not fit for seven days. Or perhaps, I'm not really contented with the time you said. Perhaps, I want longer, like years. Perhaps, I just want you to stay beside me. Perhaps... I don't want you to leave after making a short vacation so euphoric.

"Are you sure he's here?" Daniel asked as he lowered his head a little, to see outside the window beside me. I looked over my right side as well. 

No wonder he's asking. The house seemed empty. The whole village already have their lights on and only this one specific house was left murky inside. The lights at the terrace of the front house are not even on.

"That's what he said. He even called you, right?"

"Maybe planning a new prank?"

"Maybe." I let out a chuckle. He did the same, too.

How I wish everything was just a prank. If it was, I will never be mad at you. The days I cried will not matter anymore. Just say that this is a prank, not a painful truth.

I got out of the car and went straight to the backseat to take my weekender bag. Daniel followed and helped me for carrying it since it's quite heavy.

"Daniel?" He turned his head to face me as I followed him from behind. He, first, rang the doorbell before looking back again with his both brows raised.

"Did Deron say anything to you? He's kinda weird today."

"You noticed it, too?"

My eyes widened lightly.

"The silence and whispers, right?" He nodded vigorously with eyes lightly widened.

"Didn't you two fought? I was wondering if maybe you two argued since he asked me to pick you up instead of doing it himself."

"No... we're good."

I looked away. You rarely have problems and if you have one, you'd usually tell me right away. Then, I remembered the conversation earlier. I asked you what's going on, but you only gave silence. Also, you didn't called nor texted me the whole day which was weird as you always send me at least one message to tell me if you're doing fine whenever you're busy over something.

My eyes averted to Daniel when I saw him pressed the doorbell again. No one's coming out.

"Deron! Clyone is here! Open the gate!"

"Daniel! Lower your voice. It's quite late."

"Well, it's not fun to prank a girl this late as well."

"I'll call him."

I turned my back and fished out my phone. Daniel's right though. Why even call me to come over if you're not here anyway? Besides, it's not just me whom you disturbed. You just called one of our friends who was busy with something else.

I waited as the ringing sound filled my ears. The place was too quiet that made the rings audible for Daniel to hear. 

I waited for a while, but the phone only keep ringing.

"He's not answering." I turned my head and faced him. He, then, took his own phone from his pocket and says, "I'll call him."

As he waited for Deron to answer, I walked next to his side, and pressed the doorbell as well. My eyes observed the whole place. There's no single light open from the front nor in the backyard. It was as if the owner was away.

"Deron-" I was cut off when the door swung open, revealing a familar figure. Daniel noticed.

"What took you so long?" Daniel was the first to asked while here I am, staring as I observe you. 

Your face was blank and your head was hung low. You look completely doleful. From my furrowed brows, they arched into a symphatizing one.

"Deron, you okay?" Daniel asked again. You, on the other hand, remained your head low as you opened the gate.

"Thank you." Your soft tone filled my ears as I watched you take my bag from Daniel's grasp. My eyes couldn't leave you.

Without a word, you grabbed my left wrist and pulled me along inside the gate.

"Wait," I stopped. You turned your head, still wearing that blank face.

"Daniel did us a favor. Aren't you going to thank him?"

Your eyes averted to my back. Surely, it was Daniel you were looking at.

"Thank you," you mumbled. But I don't think it's audible enough for Daniel with the distance that's separating you both. You didn't wait for a response and just pulled me again, but I stopped.

"Take my bag inside. I'll talk to Daniel first."

Your thumb caressed the back of my palm and pinched it lightly before you let go and leave. I watched and waited for you to go back inside before I went back to the gate as well.

"I'm-" I was about to apologize when he cut me off.

"I guess I get it now. He needs his kryptonite." I smiled and chuckled.

Kryptonite. That's what you said my role was in your life. It's a misfortune that I wasn't able to tell you that you are the same to me.

"Still, I'm sorry for his bad attitude. And thank you for dropping me here."

"He's going through something, Clyone. I understand and you should, too. Take care." 

I smiled. He did the same before turning his back. I, then, waited for a while for him to leave before following Deron inside.

Darkness greeted me when I entered the house. Only the moonbeam from the window serves as the light inside. Despite of the murky view, I could sense some stuffs that were scattered on the ground: books, magazines, throwpillows, and some seems pieces of broken glasses. 

What's with the lights anyway? You're here yet you're not turning them on. I grope for the light switch as I try harder to see in the dark. Where are you even? And how come I chose to keep my uneasiness to myself? Did you, perhaps, made me do that on purpose? Is that to keep your plan as you wanted it to be?

"Deron?" I called as the light flashed bright to the whole room. The place is indeed messy. My brows met again.

"What happened here?" I whispered as I walked passed by the mess on the floor. The center table was shattered into pieces. Shards of jars and vases were scattered everywhere.

"What-" I was about to question again when I felt a pair of cold arms hugged me from behind. A familiar scent lingered in my nose. You placed your chin at the top of my right shoulder. I, then, looked at you from the side, giving you a confused look.

"What happened here?"

But just like what happened to our early conversation, you only answered silence. That made my face creased in confusion and irritation.

"Deron," I called as I turned to face you now. The distance between my both brows has faded. A complete irritation is now written on my face.

"What happened?" I repeated. You didn't say a thing. Instead, you held my hand as your head remained hung low. It's a touch I should've cherished then. Only if I knew.

"You're starting to piss me off now, Deron." I heaved out a heavy sigh. Irritation is still evident on my face. But instead of answering, you only rubbed tiny circles at the back of my palm. I could feel the softness yet coldness of your hands. I did, noticed it earlier when we were outside the house, but I chose to ignore, thinking that it might be the cold breeze. But feeling the frigidness on my skin again, I think you've been like this for quite a long time.

Stupid how I didn't figured out earlier. But if I did, what would I do? Would I stay or would I leave?

"Don't make me repeat myself. Answer me."

"I... don't know. I just got home and..." You let go of my hands and gestured as if you don't really know. You heaved out a sigh before you took my hand back. Crinkles started showing on my forehead.

"Tell me honestly because I don't think I'll buy that. You didn't call nor texted the whole day. You're not even answering my calls. Did you know how worried I was? Now, the house is all messy and weird. And your hands are cold as ice."

"I'm fine—"

"Don't even say that!" I vigorously took back my hands, brows both furrowed while you can't even look me straight to my eyes. I wonder if it's out of guilt or fear.

"Because you're obviously not, Deron! I could sense something behind the silence and whispers! Something's wrong with you!"

"Sorry." I closed my eyes tightly. Sorry for what? For the mess or for something else? Something like the reason for asking a seven day vacation? Or something like doing that after the one week vacation?

"Look, Deron. I'm tired, alright? I just want to finish this, so please." 

"I'll clean up. Wait me in my room." You tried to reached for my hand, but I stepped back.

"You had a fight with someone the other day. Was it them?" You met my eyes and looked straight for a second. I thought you're gonna give the answer I'm looking for now, but turns out you didn't. I guess you saved it for the last day. 

You saved every answer for my every question for the last day.

Again, you reached for my left hand as your eyes remained staring. "I'll clean up. Wait me in my room."

I sighed. My hands covered my eyes as I closed my eyes really tight. You're not cooperating.

"Have you eaten?" You shook your head. I came closer and tapped you on your shoulder before heading to the kitchen behind you.

I've wondered enough that night. But still, I wonder if I let my immaturity ate me. Because if it did, I'll probably leave the house. And if I left your place, will I ever see you again or you'll just ghost me?