1

"Mia, I already told you before, if you cannot pay for your rent, I will kick you out, your payment is delayed for 2 months," my landlord says, she's waiting outside of my apartment now. 

"I'm sorry Mrs. Hernandez, I got the payment with me, but only for one month," I explained and show her the money for one month's rent.

Mrs. Hernandez snatched the money and looked at me. "Make sure that you can pay next week, I am getting tired of waiting for the payment that is always delayed." She rolled her eyes and walk away.

I have 2 jobs, and it's not enough for my living expenses, I am a librarian in the morning and a service crew in the afternoon, and I am looking for 3rd job now.

I open the door and small arms hugged my thighs, looking at me and smiling sweetly. 

"Mama, you're home!" My son said and I gave him a quick kiss. "Hi my sunshine, how was your day with Auntie?" My younger sister is studying at the dining table and looks in my direction.

"Cyrus has a problem at his school, and his teacher wants to see you, as soon as possible, she didn't want to discuss it with me, because I am a teenager and not his mother." I put down my bag and lift Cyrus, he keeps hugging me tight and burying his face in my neck.

"Don't worry. I'll talk to his teacher, you can go now. Sorry for disturbing you lately." 

Graciella bring her bag and kissed her nephew before leaving the apartment. My son fall asleep, Cyrus didn't sleep as long as I am not with him.

Caressing his blond hair and kissing it gently, he is the only reason why I didn't give up on my life, even though I am tired and on the verge of giving up. He is a bright kid, and I will work hard to give him the good future that he deserves.

I decided to tuck him into the bed so Cyrus can sleep, sometimes my son always asked about his father, and I am always left speechless, I can't explain my situation, he is too young to know the truth, and I am afraid that Cyrus might be mad at me and my decisions from the past.

But this is my present, nothing will change if I will blame myself, it won't help me to pay my expenses, and I know that all I need is to live in peaceful life and work hard for my future.

"Mama loves you the most." I kissed his foreground before leaving the room.

I am looking at the news on the television, I know that the world is too small for me and Trace, and even though I tried my best to avoid him, he will keep showing up, and what I am afraid of the most is one day, he will knock at the door of my apartment and see how miserable my life is.

Good old days, but even if I have a choice to bring back everything from the past, I won't do the same mistake that I made, like meeting him and loving him.

Destiny is against it, maybe my relationship with him is a mistake, and now he has everything that he dreamed of.

I am happy for him, that he achieves his dreams without me. The memories of how he proudly presented his dreams to me, his plan for his life, and our relationship before.

Trace is a man full of ambition, he is lively and working hard at all times, and he is living in his best era. A billionaire and his fiance are the highest-paid models in the world.

I light my cigar and open the cold beer can. I read each message and letter at my table, most of them are bills and one is a job application. 

My face went pale while reading the result of my application. 

A friend of mine suggested I apply at one of the biggest strip clubs in the city, she said that if I passed the application, I don't need to work 2 jobs. 

I passed the application, and it's hard to apply at the exclusive strip club in the city because most of the customer there is VIP and businessman.

I feel bad for my son, it's a shame if his friends discovered that his mother is a stripper, but I can't find a decent job now, and 2 jobs will never be enough to feed and support his needs.

And I will never ask for the help of his father, I swear to God that I will die first before he will see my son. It's from the past, and there are a lot of ways for me to survive and support my son.

I compose a text message to the management, saying that I will be there tomorrow. 

For 5 years, I never entertain or went into a relationship, it's not because I haven't moved on, but because I want to focus on my obligation. 

My son needs me, and I will dedicate my life to him only, I know that finding happiness is okay for other people, but in my opinion, I might look selfish if I will let myself into a relationship that is a certain direction. Most of the people that I know got divorced after a few years, and it will affect my son's insight if he grows up in that kind of environment.

As I said, he deserves the best in his life, and that means I will sacrifice everything that I have because I am the only one who will love him unconditionally.

I stood up and walk to the door when I heard a knock, and I open it. Smile sweetly to him, my neighbor.

"Hi, good evening, Mia. Can I have a few words with you?" I welcomed him and he walk to the living room, giving the food, and sat on the chair.

"Sorry if I disturb your rest, but I am just concerned about your son." My forehead frowned at what I heard but kept my smile.

"I heard that Cyrus is being bullied at his school." I take a sip of my beer and listen carefully to Darren.

"It's the same as my daughter, as you can see, my daughter is also been bullied, because she has no mother and same situation as Cyrus, and the children that are bullying him, he knocked them, and Cyrus attacked them." He took a deep breath after explaining it.

"Does my son fight, because of your daughter?" I said straight to the point and he nodded slowly, his reaction says that he feels ashamed of what happened.

"I talked to their teacher, and I explained your situation, and your job and the teacher said that their classmate that is being attacked is mad," I feel bad for my son, maybe that is the reason why he hugged me tight lately.

The only mistake that Cyrus made is he attacked the bully because violence is never the right answer to resolve a problem.

I feel more tired after hearing the news. I need to talk with my son and his teacher. 

"I understand, I will be there tomorrow morning," I respond to Darren and he stands up. Still looking at me and patting my shoulder. 

"Have a rest too, what you're doing to your life is not healthy, and I always see you tired I know that it's hard to become a single parent, but your health is your biggest investment, so rest." I walk with him until he reached the door of my apartment and open it for him.

"I appreciate what you did on behalf of my son, if there is anything I can do to pay you back, I'll do it." I smile at Darren and he shook his head.

"Just rest, Cyrus needs you the most." He left and opened the door of his apartment. 

I wait for him to close the door, and I saw a man in front of the small garden, leaning back at the hood of his car, looking at me my vision is blurry because I am not wearing my eyeglass.

He is walking in my direction and I didn't wait for him to went near, I don't know who is it and it was night, not safe for me.

Tomorrow, I will do my best to have a decent conversation and apologize for what my son did. 

I continue to drink my second can of beer, watching the news, even though I am tired, I can't sleep. Because my past keeps haunting me, how good it was. 

Living happily and studying, but after I got pregnant, my parents went disappointed in me and disowned me. 

I know that I deserve it, I already made a mistake and now I am living in the most possible hard way.

I cannot blame my son, he is innocent and has nothing to do with my mistakes, Cyrus has no consent to being born in this world, and that is why I don't want to see him live in poverty. What I am doing for a living is my obligation.

It's midnight, and here I am again. Looking at my pictures, together with Trace where I and he is at college.

I touched my picture, where I am smiling from ear to ear. I can't smile that way again, half of myself died when I insist to broke up with Trace.

It's me, I am the problem and no one can be blamed for this, but me and myself. Now I look stupid for feeling this kind of emotion.

When the night is getting deeper, my regret is hunting me, together with how my son asked for his father.

I watched the raindrops at my window, it was raining and it was getting colder, I can't still sleep and felt bereavement. It huts hard, when the weather is cold, my feelings are teaming up with the rain.

And when I close my eyes, I saw and heard how Trace used to talk dearly to me, how he touched me when I needed it the most.

He used to comfort me and take care of me, never getting tired of loving me every day.

How foolish I am to break his heart, to leave him and lie to him. I am a hypocrite, I didn't reciprocate his love, I just make him suffer, and I am worthless.

Now, he is happy and living the best life, he deserves it, and what do I deserve? A miserable life, for breaking the heart of the man that I love the most.

Maybe I still love him after all these years, and I am longing for his love now. Until now, I can't imagine myself loving and becoming happy with another man.

I want to wash away my thoughts and light another cigarette and sip the beer. Indeed, I am miserable now. Maybe I do my job as a mother, but my happiness, I can't find anything aside from my son.

His figure is still haunting my dreams. When I sleep, Trace is like a nightmare to me. He used to be a good dream to me, but now, I consider my past with him as a nightmare.

I am the one who is poisoning my own life, it's hard to move forward while seeing him happy, I keep saying that he deserves it, but it's like a slap to my face, the man that I left and betrayed is successful now, and I know it that he will succeed, without me.

But maybe it will feel good, he reaches his dreams with me, and the dreams that both of us plan. Now he is building each of the plans with someone else, and I am left in the darkness.

"You deserve the pain, you choose to be hurt and miserable, blame yourself," I whispered and leaned against the wall. Hoping to have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow is another battle to make a living.

And I'll go back to black.