Chapter Three

 

 

I am right beside you

It was a chilly Sunday afternoon, almost three weeks after that first email.

Tashi stepped out of her home to do some grocery shopping. She had wanted nothing better than to curl up in bed and introspect, but her mother had forced her out of her room to talk with her. She was concerned about her state of mind, why she kept refusing meals and why she hardly shared anything about her day anymore. Tashi dodged all questions, not wanting to burden her mother. After several failed attempts at proposing an outing, she had reluctantly agreed to go out and buy some milk.

But Tashi regretted her decision almost instantly. The weak sun felt harsh on her face and seeing so many people milling around filled her with inexplicable anxiety. Her otherwise lustrous hair hung around her face in lank, oily strands. The deep brown rings rimming her eyes and the tired lines around her mouth were telling of having spent several sleepless nights on end. Her crumpled brown jacket and black jeans hung loosely on her frail frame.

A storm of chaotic emotions was raging on inside her head. Throughout the past three weeks, she had, more or less, figured out a rhythm - a routine - for the blackmailer. He sent her emails mostly at night, at an interval of two or three days. Some times, he was content with taunting her and calling her a whore for having sex with a man she had no intention of marrying. He seemed to derive a sadistic pleasure from shaming her for having a high libido. But on others, he got more demanding and wanted her to send naked pictures. Out of hopelessness, she had obliged but had hidden her face or blurred her features despite his persistent requests. There were some nights, however, when he made outrageous demands. His messages were riddled with spelling mistakes on those nights – almost as if he were drunk. She had come to discover that the best way out of these situations was to calm him down in whichever way she could, so he didn’t end up doing something extreme in his inebriated state.

She felt a little light-hearted on the days she calculated he wouldn’t contact her. It was easier going about her life without the sustained fear of looking at her phone and discovering something traumatic nagging at her. Even then, she was constantly on the edge, jumping every time her phone pinged with a new notification.

That an anonymous person on the internet held so much power over her life made her feel helpless; that he could use words and pictures to make her feel disgusted about her own body filled her with shame and fear.

Her social life had taken a heavy toll; she refused to meet her friends when they came knocking at her door on weekends. Her mother had invented so many new stories each time to send them away, that she was afraid she might run out of excuses soon. Her colleagues had remarked on her lack of enthusiasm several times, but she had plastered a fake smile on her face till they gave up and moved on to the next topic of discussion.

On the surface, Tashi was content being alone.

But in truth, she felt lonelier than ever. It was difficult digesting the fact that all her friends were so ‘normal’ – that they spent hours obsessing over such trivial issues like rising petrol prices or unavailability of movie tickets for the evening show, while she, on the other hand, had such a complex situation to deal with. In the inky shell of her desolation, Tashi was alienated from the rest of the world.

No wonder she kept pushing even her closest friends away.

***

The sun pushed meekly through a curtain of clouds, the weak sunlight unsuccessful in lighting up the gloomy Sunday afternoon.

Tashi walked on, shuddering as she remembered what had transpired last night – her blackmailer had demanded something that had knotted her heart into a horrible, tight mess.

“I want to see you strip for me, bitch.”

It was one of those nights - his email was riddled with spelling mistakes: Tashi figured he must be intoxicated.

“In five minutes, you are going to get a video call from me. You will remove ALL your clothes one by one till you are naked. And this time, I want to look at your face when you do it.”

Her skin crawled at the humiliation he was subjecting her to.

Her knee-jerk reaction was to refuse. “Fuck off,” she typed. “I am not doing anything like that.”

“You don’t get to decide that,” came his reply. “I am the one doing the talking, and when I wag my tongue, you will wag your fingers between your legs. I want to make you cum with my words. I know how much you will enjoy that, you slut.”

His remarks disgusted her. “No. Absolutely not,” she typed. “There is no way I am getting on a video call, you perverted asshole.”

She had closed her laptop in a huff, turned off her phone and stared into the darkness. Her chest was heaving, her breath coming in gasps. Her heart was thumping so hard, she could feel the blood pounding in her ears.

Refusing to oblige him had been an impulsive decision. She went to bed in a fit of denial.

This recklessness of those two seconds, however, couldn’t calm the tempest of uncertainty in her soul. She kept picturing what would happen to her if he resorted to taking drastic measures. The thought of the impact her leaked images would have on her reputation at her workplace and that of her mother in front of her extended family had kept her up all night in abject fear.

This morning, she had turned on her phone to no new email from him. Seeing an empty inbox was relieving. This was the first time in three weeks she had so boldly defied him. She allowed herself some hope that maybe he had given up on her after the courage she had shown last night. It was hard, though, to let go of the constant fear plaguing her thoughts: what if this is the calm before the storm? What if he acts on his threats and does something irreversible to make me pay for last night? Her instinct was screaming inside her head: why do I feel unsafe stepping out of the comfort of my house?

Pulling her jacket tighter around herself, Tashi brushed off the irrational fear she felt. She only had to go to a departmental store a few blocks away. There is nothing he can do that he hasn’t already done, she kept telling herself.

The sudden vibration of her phone sent jitters through her body.

She was terrified at the prospect of interacting with her tormentor again – listening to another jibe, feeling violated at him taking more perverted pleasure in her plight. With an icy fist clutched around her heart, she took the phone out of her bag. She held her breath as she looked at the screen - it was a call from her mother.

She let out an audible sigh of relief.

“Ashi dear, I’d forgotten to tell you I need some hair colour too. Can you get a packet for me?”

“Yes Mom, sure thing. I’m on my way to the store.”

“Okay, I’ll text if anything else comes up. See you.”

“Bye Mom.”

The comfort in the familiarity of her voice helped bring Tashi’s thumping heart back to normal. She walked onwards again. Perhaps, after last night, the blackmailer had given up.

Perhaps, things would be all right again.

Little by little, Tashi felt the tension draining from her body.

Her phone beeped again with a new message. Mum must have remembered something else, she thought with a slight smile. When she looked at the screen, her heart sank. It was a text message from an unknown number. She didn’t have to open it to know it was from the blackmailer.

“Did you think you are free? I will show you that whatever you do is under my control.”

Attached with it was a picture of hers – clicked a few moments ago, dressed in her crumpled brown jacket and black jeans, standing with back against the handrail and talking on the phone.

“Do you know how close I am to you right now?”

The world seemed to have stopped.

In slow motion, Tashi turned around.

This can’t be happening, she thought, fighting to reason with her senses screaming for an escape.

She was terrified, half expecting to see someone smirking at her.

This is my place, my locality. He isn’t supposed to be here.

Everyone she saw seemed to stare at her, cold judgement in their eyes. She felt as if they knew her secret - that every one of them had seen her naked.

She turned violently, specks of sweat flying in the air. There was an old lady sitting on a bench, knitting a sweater with light pink wool. There were two young women at a roadside store, shielding their cigarettes from wind as they lit them with a single match. A man walked by her, his hand clasped around the fingers of a little girl in a red frock. The child looked up at Tashi as they passed by, her big round eyes fixing on her with a searching look. Tashi rummaged through the sea of faces, her black hair astray, looking for any telltale signs that one of them might be her blackmailer. But all she could see was the crowd milling around, caught up in their own worlds. The faces were devoid of emotion, but when they turned towards her, she could feel them sparing enough contempt to cast a disdainful glance.

Tashi ran her tongue around the inside of her mouth, which had gone dry under the scrutiny of the strangers. Fear welled up inside her like a shoal of fish uncurling from sleep and swimming out in formation in a primordial sea. Then, too scared to be standing among so many people, she spun around and ran, all thoughts of shopping forgotten.

She didn’t know where to go, which turn to take.

She didn’t know where she might feel safe.