Prologue

"Are you sure you are fine, Sam? Tell me where are you, please. I'm worried." I took a deep breath and control myself from sobbing while talking to my manager. 

I am all alone in the middle of the night, looking at the dark sky. Tahimik ang paligid, tanging tunog lang ng mga hampas ng alon mula sa dalampasigan ang aking karamay. Wala ni isang bituin ang nagpakita sa akin sa gabing ito. Nakikidalamhati  ang kalikasan sa lungkot at muling kasawian na aking nararamdaman. 

Gusto kong umiyak ng malakas na malakas hanggang sa maubos lahat ng mga luha ko. Sa lahat ng tao dito sa mundo bakit sa akin pa kailangan mangyari lahat ng to. I've been a good friend, good colleague and a good fiancee,  but why they have to betray me?

Is it bad to be good?

Mom taught us to always be nice with people around us. I grew up being one, but I didn't expect that being nice with people could end up like this. 

"Sam? Oh God, darling thank you for answering my call. Where are you?" dama ko ang pag-aala sa boses ng manager ko. 

"I'm fine, Mamu. I just need to go away... to figure things out." I said calmly, covering my mouth for a sob to escape.

 I'm not fine, I am broken, again. My boyfriend for four years, the man who promised me forever, cheated on me with my co-model. 

"I won't be accepting any work for the next days and months, Mamu, I want to have a break. "

"Sam, darling...he's looking for you."

My tears covered my eyes. Don't cry, Sam...don't. I said calming myself. He's not worthy of your tears.

"Sam, where are you darling? Tell me..."

"I fine Mamu, I need to go, it's  already late. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine, bye." Hindi ko na hinintay ang sagot niya pinutol ko na ang tawag.

Mabilis kong hinawi ang mga luhang nag-uunahan sa aking pisngi. I need to be strong. I have no one to lean on but myself. My Dad and Mom were not in good terms. I don't want to stress my mom who's been through a lot recently. I also don't want to bother Kuya Sandro who's been very busy fixing the things my dad messed up. He had enough with our company's problem and I don't want to add more to his problem. Much with my Kuya Joe, I can't also stress him, among us he's the one who suffered a lot. 

"It's okay, Sam, we can do this..." I said sniffing. "You are Samantha Corrine Anderson Dela Vega, you're a strong woman, right?" I said consoling myself but I cried more. I feel pity that no one is there for me. Siguro hindi naman talaga ako mabait. Kasi kung totoong mabait ako, hindi ito mangyayari sa akin. Hindi ako masasaktan ng ganito. 

"We can do this self, you are brave. It's not your lost. He doesn't deserve any of your tears."

Muling tumunog ang phone ko pagsulyap ko dito nakita ko ang pangalang naka-flash sa screen. Dali-dali kong kinansel ang tawag pero ilang segundo lang tumawag ito ulit. For once, I want to close this chapter of my life. 

I answered the call.

"Babe, thanks God, you answered my call." Dinamay mo pa si God. Di ka man lang nahiya. 

"Where are you, Babe? I will come to you. Let's fix this." 

"I'm cancelling the wedding, Rome." I said in a cold voice. "I can't do this anymore."

"Sam, baby, N-no! please...It's a mistake but we can fix this. Let me fix this."

I shook my head and clung on my chest tightly. My chest it tightening and I feel like I'm choking.

"Please baby, I'm so sorry. I know I did a mistake but please, lets fix this."

"We can't fix this anymore, Rome." I tried my best to control myself not to cry but my voice broke. " I've forgiven you many times, I accepted your flaws, I tolerated your whims because I thought you will change. Indeed you changed,  but for the worse, Rome." I paused, I need to gather my strength to tell him how much pain he caused me. 

"I know I'm not a perfect partner to you but I did my best to be one. Inintindi kita, kahit ang hirap mong intindihin.  Pinili kita dahil akala ko ikaw ang magpoprotekta at magmamahal sa akin pero anong ginawa mo?" Doon na tuluyang nabasag ang boses ko. "Anong kulang Rome? Apat na taon, apat na taon pero sinira mo ang lahat. Alam mo lahat ng sakit na pinagdaanan ko. Magkaibigan tayo, sana kahit yun mang inisip mo bago mo ako nagawang lokohin."

"Sam, Baby, pleaseee..."

"You promised me that you will never cheat on me but what did you do?  Ilang araw nalang Rome, ikakasal na tayo. Saan ako nagkulang sayo? Bakit mo nagawa sa akin 'to? Kelan mo pa ako niloloko?"

"It's a mistake Babe, but I promise, I won't do that again. Please give me one last chance." he's crying already, like he always does every time he makes mistakes, but I feel nothing for him any more. I am so done. I am more than hurt with what he did to me. 

"Baby, please, it's a mistake. I'm wrong."

" You, cheating on me is a  not a mistake, Rome. It's your choice that I can't accept anymore."

"One last chance, Babe...one last chance." he said begging.

"I had given you enough chance, Rome. Not only once because I know may mga pagkukulang din ako sayo bilang girlfriend."

 It's true, Rome and I, we've been together for 4 years but we seldom see each other because of my job. I'm working as a  model and he is too but my job is outside the country. I can't break up with him because he's too nice with me, he doesn't demand anything. He always understands me, he respected my job. and most of all he's loyal and faithful...that's what I thought. 

Despite the rumors I heard about his cheating I still stick to him because he was there with me when everyone left. I thought that he's the one for me but I was wrong. Parehas lang din siya sa iba. Pare-parehas lang silang lahat. 

"Sam, please---"

 "We're done. I don't deserve a cheater like you in my life. Thank you for everything, Rome. This is goodbye."

After I said that I began sobbing again.  I am always strong. I am always happy but why I am weak  and crying now?

"Please stop hurting." I whispered. Smacking my chest but it never helped. The pain is still there and it's hurting me to the core. Lalo lang lumalala ang sakit na aking nararamdaman. Pakiramdam ko ay may mga maliliit na karayom na tumutusok tusok sa aking puso at halos mamanhid na ako sa sakit. 

Maybe I was really born for this. I was born to broken like this. Hindi na kasi ako nadala. Kung sana...

"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Sana hindi nalang kita nakilala! Sana hindi nalang kita minahal!" 

I was crying  heard, screaming my heart out facing the dark ocean. Wala na akong pakialam kung may makakarinig man sa akin. Ang gusto ko lang ay mailabas lahat ng sakit na aking nararamdaman. 

Ilang araw nalang ikakasal na kami ni Rome pero dahil sa pesting bachelor party na yan nagawa niya akong pagtaksilan. Pero ngayon lang ba talaga nangyari to? Ngayon lang ba talaga o baka matagal na pero pilit ko lang na iniignora dahil sa pagmamahal ko sa kanya?

Mahal ko ba talaga siya o naniwala lang akong mahal ko siya dahil yun ang gusto kong isipin? Ngayon tinatanong ko ang aking sarili kong nagmamahalan ba talaga kami o nagstay lang kami sa isa't-isa dahil sa ideyang bagay kami at kami ang nararapat magsama habang buhay. 

 Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang dapat kung isipin. He knew what I've been through. He was with me at my weakest and he promised me that he won't let me feel the same pain. 

Suddenly I felt weak, nanghihina akong lumuhod sa buhanginan at doon ako humagulhol. I sobbed hard, clenching my fist while punching the soft sand. I feel the pain of the sand hurting my skin. But the pain I feel in my hands is nothing compared to the pain I feel inside my heart. 

Inangat ko ang tingin sa paligid. Madilim...sobrang dilim. Lalo pang dumilim ang tingin ko dahil sa mga luhang tumatabon sa aking mga mata. 

Paano kaya kung tatapusin ko nalang ang lahat?

Hindi naman na siguro ako kailangan dito sa mundo. Wala na nga akong ambag sa pamilya namin binigyan ko pa sila ng kahihiyan. How would my family react when they found out? My mom will be heart broken, my dad will be mad, Kuya Sandro will be disappointed, and Kuya Joe will be more sad. 

I am a big embarrassment to the family. I am a big disappointment.

I will just ruin our name. 

"A-are you okay?" a  familiar voice stopped me from crying. Mabilis kong pinalis ang luha sa mga mata ko at inayos ang sarili.

" I saw you from my place and I thought that maybe you are-"

"I'm okay, Mister, thanks." I said cutting him. 

No! This can't be him.

He didn't say anything. I was waiting for him to leave but he remained standing behind me. 

Long deafening silence between us. We can only hear the sound of the waves crashing to the shore. I want to cry more but I can't do that when a stranger is standing behind me. 

Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaluhod sa buhanginan. Pinagpag ko ang mga buhangin na kumapit sa tuhod ko ng hindi siya tinitingnan. Naramdaman ko ang paglapit niya sa akin at tumayo sa aking tabi. Kita ko mula sa gilid ng mga mata ko na matangkad siyang lalaki. 

No! I am wrong. Nagmamalikmata lang ako. 

"They said it's better to talk to stranger, because there will be no judgement. "I was stunned for a while . "You can share to me whatever you are feeling right now." then I chortled a laugh when I recognize his voice.

Kung maglaro nga naman ang tadhana, oo. Sa dinami dami ng taong pwede kung makita ngayong gabi siya pa talaga? It's dark but I still can recognize this man beside me. His scent, his voice, his presence. Everything about him is still familiar with me.

"Promise, I won't judge." he said.

I want to laugh at his face. Coming from him huh? Need I remind him what he did to me in the past? He judged me as well.

I heard him heaved a deep sigh and took the bottle of whisky that I didn't notice he's holding a while ago and drank it straight.

"Are you sure, you're okay?" He asked again, I still didn't look at him though he sounded concern. Of course he's like that, still didn't change. Yung tipong akala mo ang bait-bait. Yung tipong knight in shining armour willing to save a damsel in distress. Paasahin ka pero bandang huli iiwan ka rin.

" I'm willing to listen--"

"I'm fine, Mister. Thank you." I cut him again and turned my back without looking at his face. I don't want him to recognize me. Enough of the past. I'm done feeling all the pain tonight. I just want to rest.

"Don't you ask me how I am and why I am here?" he said in a low voice. I didn't answer dahil wala akong pakialam kung ano man ang nararamdaman niya. Years passed but I still can't forget what he did to me. At kahit di pa niya sabihin sa akin alam ko ng may pinagdadaanan din siya at ayoko ng dumagdag pa. 

"I need someone to talk..." he sounded weak. "Please s-stay." umiling ako kahit di  naman siya nakatingin sa akin. 

"I am not in the position to comfort you right now, because...I am also broken." I said frankly, I managed to make my voice cold and without emotion. "I can't find the right words to comfort you, because I am also... miserable. I am also a mess, my life is a mess. "

 And you know that I am a mess. Ikaw pa nga nagsabi sa akin niyan noon diba?

I look up at the dark sky trying to stop my tears from falling but the went to the side my eyes and fall from there.

"Maybe we are in the same boat right now." Yes maybe,  but I'm not the type of person na masaya sa pasakit ng iba. 

" I don't know what exactly you are feeling right now, but I'm not the right person for you. I can't give you a good advice, I am also broken. " I didn't look at him but I can feel that he's looking at me. 

"I don't want to give up. I still want to try my luck. I want to earn my chance..."

"Sometimes, we need to give up on people not because we don't love them anymore but because... they don't. They don't really love us, because if they do, they will never do things they know will hurt us." 

I stood up without looking at him. I wiped the tears on my face and took a deep breath.

"We cannot change what happened in the past but we can let go of the things that are not meant for us. It's difficult I know, but we have to let go. Lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman mo ngayon ay mawawala din. Hindi natin kailangan ang mga taong sa simula palang hindi na tayo kayang panindigan." 

I took a step backward and was about to move away from him but I stilled when he speak up. 

"I am not okay and I feel like giving up..." that made me stop from walking away. I'm not seeing his face but I can feel the pain in his voice.

 "I did so many mistakes in the past and I'm trying to correct it now." His voice broke that even if I don't look at him I can feel that he's about to cry. He's about to cry, or just a part of his drama? 

"But I feel like I am too late...to late b-because she's already hurt."

Hah! As always.

"Why I have to feel all these shits?"

Diba ganyan din naman ang ginawa mo sa akin dati?

 "All my life , I've been a good person." 

Huh? Really? I turned back to face him but he's facing the dark ocean now. I can only see the side of his face. 

" I never wished ill of anyone,  but why do I have to be left alone and miserable like this?" 

Because karma find its way.

Then he took another shot from the bottle. May balak pa ata siyang ubusin ang laman nito. Suminok pa pagkatapos niyang tunggain yun. 

I should have left him, he is not good for me. Pero ewan ko parang may sariling utak ang mga paa ko na hindi ko magawang ihakbang ang mga ito palayo sa kanya. 

"It's my karma maybe." he said almost in a whisper. I froze but yeah he's right. "If only I can turn back the time. I will go back to the day, I turned my back to her. "

Hindi niya man sabihin sa akin kung kailan yun, alam ko at tanda ko.

Suddenly I felt like crying, pakiramdam ko bigla parang bumalik lahat ng sakit na pinadama niya sa akin noon. But No! I don't cry over spilled milk. I have learned my lessons and he's not worth it. I can't let myself be affected anymore dahil kahit anong gawin niya hindi niya na maibabalik ang nakaraan. I've moved on from him. He's just part of my past. 

I am mourning now because of the pain another man caused me. The man whom I thought  I can trust my life with. 

Kailangan ko nang umalis. Kailangan ko ng lumayo pero bago ko pa magawang ihakbang ang mga paa ko, muli na naman itong nagasalita. 

" I hurt the only woman who loved me and trusted me with her life. Ang laki kong gago, huli na ng malaman kong isang pagkakamaling naniwala ako sa iba kesa sa kanya."

"I have to go, Mister." I said stopping him from talking more. I don't want to hear lies anymore. Tama na. Quota na ako. 

Hindi na dapat ako apektado sa kanya. His time is over.  He's just saying all these because he's feeling guilty now.

"I'm sorry, Love..." I stilled when he reached for my hand and held it tight. I tried pulling it away from him but he held it more. 

"My hand." I said coldly.

But, slowly, he lowered his body and kneeled  down in front of me and started crying his heart out.

"I'm so sorry, Love. I am very sorry..."

 I don't know how to react, I can hear his hard sobs and loud cries. He really looked pained and miserable. But I can't let him fool me again. I've been fooled once and I can't let him do it to me again this time.

"Let go of me. I don't know you." I said firmly. I am trying my best not to cry but suddenly my tears started forming in the corner of my eyes. I tried blinking many times but to no avail. Isa-isang nag-uunahan ang mga luha sa aking pisngi. 

Mula sa dilim ng gabi dama ko ang pagmamakaawa niya sa akin pero wala na akong madama kahit anong awa sa kanya. Wala akong ibang naramdaman kundi ang sakit na iniwan niya sa akin noon. Ang sugat na akala ko ay naghilom na matapos ang ilang taon pero hindi pa pala. 

"Bitawan mo ako." pero nakita ko ang sunod-sunod na pag-iling niya. 

"I'm so sorry for everything Love, please hear me out. Let's start again, please give me one last chance... "I pulled my hand before he could finish his sentence. Hah! Ang daling sabihing one last chance.

 "I begged you, Sam, nagmamakaawa ako, pakinggan mo muna ako..."

There I lost it.

"Nung ako ba nagmakaawa sa'yo pinakinggan mo ako?" Puno ng hinanakit kong sabi sa kanya. "Isang pagkakataon lang ang hiniling ko sa yo noon pero nakinig ka ba sa akin? I was so young back then. Hindi ko alam kung anong pinagbibintang niyo sa akin. Nakiusap ako sayong pakinggan mo muna ako pero anong ginawa mo. Pinagtulakan mo ako diba?" Ayaw kong umiyak pero hindi ko na napigilan ang aking sarili.

"Pinagtulakan mo ako na parang sobrang laki ng kasalanan ko sayo. Hindi mo man lang nagawang pakinggan ang pakiusap ko. Pinalayo mo ako sayo. Kahit masakit para sa akin tinanggap ko  ang desisyon mo. You know how much I loved you back then. My world revolves around you. You are my everything. I maybe young but I know what I am doing. Lahat ng mga pangarap kasama ka. Pero anong ginawa mo sa akin huh?"

"I'm sorry, Love."

"Y-your sorry cannot heal the pain and heartaches you caused me. I've moved on you from you, kahit...kahit ang hirap para sa akin. Now that I'm gone in your life, you're asking for a chance? Wala kang pinagkaiba sa taong nanakit sa akin ngayon. Pagkatapos akong saktan parang ang dali lang humingi sa inyo ng isa pang pagkakataon."

Diritso akong tumingin sa kanya. Kahit walang liwanag dama ko ang nakikiusap niyang tingin sa akin pero hindi na ako magpapaloko pa. Tama na. 

"I am no longer the Samantha you used to know. Marami ng mga bagay na nangyari sa akin pagkatapos mo akong talikuran at iwan sa ere."

"Love, please...parang awa mo na." pagmamakaawa niya sa akin pero umiling ako sa kanya. 

" I'm just doing you the favor you asked from me, Mr. Sarmiento. I can't give you the chance you are asking in this lifetime. Ours was done. Our season is over. This is not the time for us anymore. We have our separate lives now."" humakbang ako palayo sa kanya pero mabilis itong tumayo para lumapit sa akin.

"No, Sam, please..." sinubukan niya akong abutin pero lalo akong humakbang paatras. "Love, please...please let me explain."

"You're years late. Your explanation don't matter to me anymore. Para saan pa?"

Nahawakan niya ang isang kamay ko.

"I'm begging, Love. One last chance." he begged but I pushed him hard. He almost lost his balance but I don't care anymore. "Isang pagkakataon nalang Sam, nakikiusap ako..." 

" You lost your chance, the moment you turned your back to me. Wala kanang babalikan. Nasasaktan man ako ngayon pero hindi ibig sabihin na babalik ako sayo. I know your kind and you're not good for me. Mr. Sarmiento. " I said and turned my back running away from him.