Reagan
I was so lost in thought listening to my music I didn’t even know what I hit. All the air in my lungs left leaving me gasping, everything was spinning. Strong arms wrapped around me as I felt my body hit the ground my vision darkening. ”It’s okay”, I heard a voice in the distance say. It seemed far away at first. I tried focusing on the voice unable to calm myself. “I’m so sorry I didn’t see you.” the voice was panicked. “Breathe Regan” recognition hit me it was Riggin. “Thats it slow breaths.” air was slowly returning to my lungs but I was struggling to keep it under control.
I can’t let him see me like this, I tried to pull away from him but he tightened his arms around me and whispered in my ear, “It’s okay, deep breaths” fighting him was taking too much energy, the loss of control consuming me. “Relax, breathe in 2, 3, 4, and out 2, 3, 4.” I tried to breathe in rhythm with his count, concentrating on his voice and nothing else. My ribs felt like someone was crushing them sending sharp stabbing pains through my sides into my shoulders. It felt like an eternity but finally my breathing started to sorta resemble something normal but my body was shaking uncontrollably. The coolness of Riggin’s skin against my cheek suddenly made me very aware of how close we were. My throat constricted slowly closing off.
“Pull it together Reagan you don’t fall apart in front of anyone and for pete sakes breathe.”
I was giving myself a pep talk in hopes that I could get my body under control, for the first time in five years I wanted to cry knowing the tears would not fall. Riggin was still holding me tight whispering to breathe in my ear. The intense feelings I felt when I’m around him were more than I could handle and now I can’t breath because of it. I need to distance myself, if I don’t all of my control will be gone.
The sound of his voice was so soothing I started to try to concentrate on his words feeling myself get calmer. I closed my eyes tight and buried my head in his chest, the adrenaline coursing through me was wearing off as the pain in my ribs became more noticable. To be honest I welcomed the pain, it meant that I wasn’t completely without feelings. I could at least feel pain and even push myself to the brink without feeling guilty. The last five years I’ve stayed numb keeping anyone and anything that caused me to feel anything at a distance. Only allowing myself to feel emptiness and pain, it’s the only thing I deserve to feel.
The reason I gave up this town and this life on the ranch was to stay numb. I ran from everyone I cared about. The city didn’t care who I was, what I had done or what I did with the blood stained money. It was the second hardest thing I ever did giving up my happiness so the ones I love could live their lives without my interference. Sometimes I get so sick of the whole charade that I want to just come home and have everything go back to the way it was. I know it’s just a foolish dream that could never happen though.
Time seemed to stop as I lay in Riggin’s arms. When he looked at me there wasn’t pity in his eyes like everyone else. How am I going to explain my reaction to this? “Reagan, its okay are you hurt?” he sounded worried. “I'm so sorry did I hurt you? Reagan look at me please.” he was pleading with me to look at him. I was vulnerable and I couldn’t let him see that, if I look at him he will see how weak I am. I closed my eyes tighter forcing myself to take back as much control as possible lifting my head up so I could look at him. My heart dropped into my stomach when his blue eyes caught mine. He was searching my face trying to see what I was feeling and his arms tightened around me even more. Against my better judgment I allowed myself to enjoy the safety of his embrace if only for just a moment. “I’m fine, just had the wind knocked out of me thats all”, I barely whispered, “I wasn’t looking where I was going and………”
I couldn’t handle it anymore the way he was looking at me was just too much there was something in his eyes I couldn’t explain and I couldn’t think straight. My eyes fell to his lips and I wanted to lean up and kiss him I wanted to let him know I was okay. “and what Reagan?” His words brought me out of my unwelcome thoughts as I quickly realized I had stopped talking mid sentence heat started to crawl up my neck to my face. “um… oh you can let go of me now I really am fine.” I stumbled over the words like a blubbering idiot not even convincing myself that I was fine. I tried to push out of his embrace needing to get away from him so I can think but he didn’t let go. I winced in pain from trying to push him away. “Reagan look at me” this was not a request I knew it by the tone of his voice, and I tried to push away even harder not caring that the pain was starting to blind my vision. “Listen, you hit your head pretty hard when we fell, I tried to catch you but…” The pain in his voice caused me to stop trying to resist his hold, without my permission I looked back at him and immediately I recognized the look on his face. I had seen it everyday in the mirror for the last five years. Guilt and blame, he seemed to think this was his fault, I could see the anger in his posture and the concern across the lines that were forming on his forehead from frowning.
I wanted to tell him the real reason I was having such a crazy reaction and that it had nothing to do with a little fall. I wanted him to know that it was actually my fault, it’s always my fault. I wanted to tell him about the nightmare about everything. That the words I said last night were lies. Instead I put on my best smile and pretend that everything is okay and that my life isn’t a mess. “I’m fine really I should pay more attention”, he shook his head at me but I finally saw a small smile come across his lips, “I think you have a concussion do you have your phone?” “ya...I think….Um….” come on Reagan form words, “Sorry, It’s on my arm” I finally got out. Maybe I do have a concussion, it would definitely explain the lack of control I’m having. The smile left his face as he looked at my arm, “Ok, I’m going to sit us up slowly let me know if you have any pain or need me to stop. Then I’ll see if I can find your phone.” I was confused, “Isn’t it on my arm?” I tried to glance around only seeing sagebrush around me “It must have fallen off when we fell. I was barely able to pull you into me, I tried to protect your head the best I could.”
My head started throbbing making it hard to focus on what he was saying. His words sounded garbled. “I’m gonna sit up now okay I don’t want you to try to move” he waited for me to respond but my mouth was dry so I just nodded my head. I tried to move and he quickly stopped me, “Reagan don’t try to sit up I will sit us both up” he said sternly, why is he making such a big deal out of this? He was starting to annoy me. I am fine. As we sat up everything started to spin, I could feel my stomach move up my throat and I thought for sure I would throw up. I buried my head in his chest and he stopped moving, “Does it hurt are you okay?” he lay back down, “Sorry it doesn’t hurt” I lied “I just felt dizzy that’s all.” Partial truths will do, he just rolled his eyes, “Lets try something different, we won’t sit up I’ll just roll you onto your side so I can get up and try to find your phone.” “Okay” I responded to him this time as I closed my eyes praying the spinning would stop. He slowly rolled onto his side, “Are you okay?” “Yes, that was better.” finally feeling some relief. He gently rolled me onto my back holding his weight so that he wasn’t crushing me under him and let go of me. My body felt cold from the loss of his touch and I wanted to beg him to just hold me a little bit longer.
Riggin knelt beside me and started to evaluate my injuries. I was grateful my tank top didn’t ride up any and was still hiding the bruises, I really didn’t want to explain them to him, but mostly I didn’t want him to see the scar! I turned and noticed that blood was dripping down his arm slowly, “Riggin your bleeding!” I tried to sit up, but my head and ribs decided that was not a good idea causing me to wince in pain again. “Easy, stop trying to sit up!” he scolded me, “it’s just a scratch I’m fine.” I was too tired and sore to argue with him so I just let it go for the time being. “I’m gonna see if I can’t find your phone, Don’t Move!” “Okay fine I won’t move but really I’m fine let’s just get back home.” I tried to protest but even I didn’t convince myself that I was fine. “Keep telling yourself that Sweetheart” he chuckled as butterflies took flight in my stomach. I had never liked being called sweetheart but at this moment I did, I almost forgot about the pain.
I watched as he started to climb up the steep incline, the further he got the harder it was to see him since it was still dark outside. Some clouds moved in front of the moon again causing it to get even darker. I could hear the coyotes in the distance and was regretting removing my hoodie at this moment as the breeze picked up. I wanted to sit up but I didn’t dare move. A wave of nausea hit me and I truly felt that if I could just throw up I’d feel so much better. I have got to get control of myself, that was the whole point of going for the run in the first place. I can’t even remember the last time I felt so out of control, my dad is in the hospital, Sarah’s on bed rest, Steven wants more from me and I can’t give it to him, and now I have Riggin causing me to rethink everything I’ve been doing in the last five years. I’ve only known him a couple of hours, to top it off he has to be so dang good looking too!
The last thing I need is for him to be interested in me, I could very easily fall in love with him and that was not an option for me. I’m too damaged to have the type of relationship he deserves to have. I felt so safe in his arms though and I couldn’t deny the feelings that he was making me have. My eyelids were getting heavy and I just wanted to go to sleep. I knew that was not a smart idea. If I had a concussion I need to stay awake. I started to try and listen for Riggin’s footsteps but I couldn’t hear them anymore. What is taking so long? What if he fell and is hurt now? What if the bleeding was worse than he let on and is passed out somewhere bleeding to death because of me. “Riggin” I tried to yell but my head started to pound and my ribs shot a sharp pain that felt like tiny knives going straight through me. He didn’t answer and I could feel the lump in my throat as I started to panic. “Riggin!” I yelled again not caring about the pain anymore, I could hear my heart beating in my ears and without thinking I sat up causing everything around me to go into a full tail spin, I closed my eyes and tried to take a deep breath forgetting that my ribs wouldn’t allow for that and the pain that shot through me caused me to double over, the bile that had been threatening to come up finally did as I tried to steady myself. I convulsed causing even more pain to the point that I felt the darkness start to engulf me as I began to lose consciousness. Crap, fight it Reagan, do not pass out, Riggin could be in trouble, the last thing I remembered was Riggins face before the darkness won over.
Riggin Why didn't I bring my phone? Stupid move! I could feel the cold ooze of blood dripping down my arm. Where could her phone be? The terrain was rough and my calves were burning “Riggin” I faintly heard my name as I continued searching. It was still dark out, the moon was hidden by clouds so I wasn’t having any luck. A shriek came from her direction as she screamed my name. Trying to be careful not to trip over my feet again I bolted in the direction I’d just come from. Dang it, she tried to sit up, she had to have a concussion, the gash on her head didn’t look too deep but I didn’t want to frighten her anymore than she already had been. She was showing signs of shock and I knew I needed to get her help. “Easy there I'm here!” I got to her just as she passed out. I need to get her home. Against my better judgment, I picked her up, gently cradling her head in one arm and legs in the other. I started back up the steep incline as quickly as I could. Watching every step I take so we
Reagan My mind was running a mile a minute, I didn't want to see Dr. Walker, I didn't want those memories coming back to haunt me. I had worked so hard the last 5 years at forgetting everything. We pulled into the parking lot, nothing had changed, it all looked just as I had left it. A wave of nausea tore through me. Riggin jumped out of the truck and ran around to open my door. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling at him. He reached his hand out to me and I couldn't help but think of the lightning bolt that had run through my arm the last time he took my hand. Reluctantly I placed my hand in his, there it is again. I originally thought it was just static but twice now? I tried to read his face to see if he felt it too, if he did, he wasn't letting on to it. “Reagan, breathe” he helped me down from the truck gently, embarrassed by my reaction I tried to turn away dang near falling to the ground in the process. “Easy not so fast” he smiled at me and I could feel the hea
We sat down and I waited for Riggin to start hammering me with questions about my name and why it was Hill, but to my surprise he never said a word. Maybe he already knew? I'm sure my father or Josh has told him. Josh probably told Riggin how crazy I am too. We weren't sitting there long before they took us back to a room. I am still in my running shorts and a tank top you could see the bruises on my thighs and arms a mixture of what happened today and some from sparring. My left arm still had some road rash from the accident last week but I'm sure it was blending in with everything else. I noticed Riggin had a small duffle bag with him but I hadn't really thought anything about it till now. “What's that?” I asked trying to break the tension in the room, at first he looked confused, “Oh Aunt Linda packed a change of clothes for you” He winked at me. “Thought you might want to head to the hospital to check on your dad when we leave here.” Aunt Linda thinks of everything I don't know w
Reagan The ride to the hospital was uncomfortable. Riggin didn’t say a word and I couldn’t bring myself to say anything either. I waited for the questions to start coming. His jaw was set tight, he seemed a little tense but I couldn’t read him and it was driving me crazy. I always could read people and tell what they were thinking. My dad said it was a gift I had, being able to tell what a person’s intentions were. It definitely was a good skill to have in the business world, and I took full advantage of it. I hated myself for worrying about what he thought of me, I shouldn’t care! I haven’t cared what anyone has thought of me for a long time. He parked the truck running to my side to open the door. His hands gently helped lower me to the ground ever so careful not to hold my waist to tight as he lifted me out of the truck. Normally I’m grateful for silence, not having to worry about entertaining someone else with conversation, but this silence with Riggin is driving me crazy. He’s
Riggin The elevator door closed before I was able to catch up to her. What was that all about? “I was broken before I got here”? What did that mean? I’ve never had a girl confuse me so much in my entire life! Normally it wouldn’t bother me but I can’t stop worrying about her. Last night I was so sure I had her figured out and then today happened. I thought there was something else going on, now I’m positive that there is something she isn’t saying. I push the button waiting for the doors to open back up. Maybe I should just take the stairs. I keep pushing the button again as if that will make it magically open faster. The ride here had been interesting, I wanted to ask her what on earth was the matter with her, going running when she knew her ribs were bruised. How did she even bruis
As I pulled into the driveway there was a black BMW with dark tinted windows in the driveway. A man was leaning against the driver side door wearing a black t-shirt with jeans and dark sun glasses. A small smile played across his face as I helped Reagan out of the truck, that is until he got a good look at Reagan. She really did look like she had just gotten in a bar fight and now that I knew more about her I decided that might not be too far fetched. “Ms. Sutherland what happened?” his jaw tightened and he turned to me taking a step in my direction. Great do I look like the type of person who likes to “hit” woman I need to go look in the mirror and double check. “Spencer it’s good to see you I hope your flight was comfortable.” Reagan said taking his attention from me. “It’s really nothing, you know me always finding a way to relax, I had a little spill when I went running this morning and bumped my head.” a frown spread across his face when she mentioned she had gone for a run and
It didn’t take me long to saddle him up, Cougar had become my absolute favorite horse to ride, he was so smooth it was like he glided across the ground. I still had about an hour before the sun would start setting so I started off at a pretty quick pace. The weather was cooling off and there was a slight breeze in the air. Once I reached the edge of the fence line I slowed down so I could make sure that everything was holding up, there was nothing worse than not knowing there was a break in the fence until your cows end up in the road. Mr. Sutherland always hassled me for being too thorough with my fence checks but I honestly just enjoyed the ride more than anything, plus I was able to save myself some major work by catching things early with my frequent checks. The sun started setting as I reached the back half of the pasture and I knew it was time to start heading for home. As much as I tried I couldn’t stop thinking about Reagan, she had seemed so scared and fragile today. I still
Reagan The smell of bacon filled the house as I open my eyes it takes me a few seconds to realize I am on the couch. I must have fallen asleep watching the movie. As I go to move I can feel Riggins arm around me, he’s still asleep reclined on the couch and I’m laying at an odd angle with half my body on his chest. I’m oddly comfortable laying here and I can’t believe I have actually slept all night long, I can’t even remember the last time I’ve gotten a full nights rest. I feel a little guilty that I trapped him on the couch all night. He looks content though and I don’t think I can move without waking him. The sun is coming in through the slits in the blinds streaking across Riggin’s face. I finally get a chance to study his features without worrying about him catching me. I know I need to stop doing this to myself I’m just struggling to keep him at a distance. I can hear Aunt Linda humming as she’s going about the kitchen obviously trying to not wake us getting breakfast ready.