There’s a ringing in my ears, fog in my eyes, and a dizziness in my head. It’s as though the world around me is closing in and I’m shrinking with it, only my throat can’t keep up, and the narrowness feels as thin as a straw. I don’t know how, but by the time I can process my surroundings, I’m standing in my bedroom with the door wide open, and desperately looking for something that I won’t find: a source to help me breathe. My erratic heart feels as though it’s going to explode in my chest, my hand relinquishing its hold on the bottle of pills before moving to the neck of my sweater and balling it tightly into my fist. I’m okay. I’m okay. It’s gonna be okay. The feeling is all too familiar: I’m at the verge of a panic attack. This can’t happen here. Not here. Not with them. Desperate to distract myself, I pick up the bottle from the floor, rushing to the restroom where I struggle to pop the lid open. Despite the room spinning, I stand over the toilet as I pour the pills out, my h

There are some things that I know I’ll never be able to repay Marcel for, and last night is one of them. As my eyelids flutter open, my gaze lands on my hand as it rests flat against Marcel’s bare, muscular chest. My head fits perfectly on his shoulder, and in my comfort, I remain utterly still, tracing the split of his pectorals with my eyes, shifting my sight to his restful features. The morning light casting from behind the window drapes is just bright enough to illuminate his face, and as I lay here, watching him sleep, I feel a peace I haven’t felt in a long time. Despite everything that happened last night, it seems that all I can think about is how he agreed to spend the night with me without hesitation. All I can think about is how he held me and how when I kissed him, instead of taking advantage of me—or letting me take advantage of him—he was gentle. Like the perfect gentleman he can be, he was…sweet—loving.

As it turns out, I never actually needed Adderall. I just needed to go off on Guillermo so that Marcel could kiss me—really kiss me—and I’d need something to really sink my head into to distract myself from all the shit happening outside of the walls of the lab. Who woulda thought? After thoroughly conducting my root cause analysis, 2 days ago, instead of picking up the courage that I seemed to have dropped the moment I walked out of that dining room, I cowardly asked Frank to relay my message to Marcel: the project will be complete in 3 days, which has now turned into 2 days because I’m wrapping up now. It seems that the wires that I didn’t connect would’ve only been essential if the signal sent from the remote hadn’t been picked up by what I like to call ‘plan A’, because yes, like the type A planner that I am, I had installed a back-up to the back-up of the back-up in case there was a defect in any of the essential parts of the d

I sit at the foot of the bed, cross-legged with a bag of powdered sugar donuts resting between my bent legs and my gaze fixed on the sunset beaming through the large windows across from me. Shortly after being escorted back to my room, I took a long, hot shower, slipped into a pair of soft black leggings and an oversized red hoodie, pulled the window drapes back, and found the perfect spot at the foot of the bed to watch the sun away. Sad girl hours… I sigh softly as I bring another mini donut up to my lips, shoving it whole in my mouth. The white powdered sugar stains my thumb and index finger, reflecting the corners of my lips as I chew thoughtfully. He’s probably fucking her right now. The mere thought of Marcel entangled with that woman, Catalina, is unsettling in ways that I wish it weren’t, and if it weren’t for the tablespoon of sugar on my tongue, the bitter taste in my mouth would reflect the painfu

I trust him. I do.As I sit here, cuffed to the bed, half-naked, and vulnerable, I trust that Marcel won’t cross lines that I don’t want crossed; however, I can’t stop the sliver of doubt from tainting it, tarnishing the better part of my excitement into fear as he kneels on the bed, before me, hooking his fingers into the hem of my leggings and underwear and stripping me naked.Instinctively, I bring my knees together, wanting to guard myself. Almost instantly, his eyes snap up to meet my own, his gaze darkening, a silent reminder that he has rules and I’ve just broken one of them.I shouldn’t have done that…“Marcel..?” His name eludes me, the softness in my voice hardly masking the undertone of my anxiety. My heart beats wildly in my chest, hammering at my throat as his hands find my knees, and in one swift motion, he pulls my legs apart, my clit exposed and aching for