Chapter 5

Emma's POV 

As I tossed and turned in the sunlit hours, I yearned for a semblance of peace, an escape from the torment that haunted my sleep. Yet, it eluded me, as if the weight of my decision clung to my subconscious, refusing to release its grip. The haunting dreams that had plagued my restless slumber were abruptly interrupted by the shrill ring of my phone, its jarring sound piercing through the darkness. Without a moment's hesitation, I reached for the device, my fingers trembling with a mix of anticipation and trepidation.

As I brought the phone to my ear, Maria's familiar voice resonated through the line, a lifeline in this sea of turmoil. "Hey Em! How are you doing, sweet? I'm sorry about before, I was caught up with work, but now I'm here for you. You wanted to talk...?"

Unable to contain the overwhelming flood of emotions that had consumed me, I interjected, my words tumbling out in a torrent of anguish. "I... I aborted the baby, Maria. My baby... I made the most stupid and agonizing decision to end the life growing within me. My baby!"

The weight of those words settled heavily upon my heart, and with each syllable, tears streamed down my face once again, mingling with the remnants of pain and regret. The raw vulnerability in my voice mirrored the depth of my sorrow, as I allowed myself to surrender to the cathartic release that sharing my truth brought.

At that moment, Maria's response was not even acting as a gentle salve to my already broken and wounded soul. Even though her voice softened with empathy as she offered words of comfort and understanding. "Oh, Em... I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through..."

My emotions, still raw and volatile, erupted with an intensity that surprised even me. Through choked sobs and anger-laced words, I lashed out at her, my pain manifesting as frustration and blame.

I cut in again, “You don't! You don't know anything. You don't even understand! You can't possibly comprehend what I'm going through!" I exclaimed, my voice trembling with a mixture of sorrow and anger. “I was stupid to believe you would have an answer to my predicament yet you only made it worse. If it hasn't dawned on you, I killed a person, I murdered my innocent child in cold blood. And it's your fault. You brought that monster into my life, who callously abused and violated me. No wait, it's the fault of that maniac you got to thoroughly abuse me, he f*****g didn't even think to use a condom and yet he deposited his seed in me. And now, here I am, haunted by the consequences of his reckless actions. I ended an innocent life, my child.”

The torrent of emotions surged within me, a tempest of guilt, anguish, and searing resentment. It was as if my pain sought someone to blame, to bear the burden of my overwhelming remorse. In my grief-stricken state, I directed my fury towards Maria, holding her accountable for the choices that had led me down this harrowing path.

“Emma, stop this nonsense now. You blame everyone else except yourself. What exactly were you expecting me to do? Give you my own money or maybe get you a man that will just have a conversation with you for few hours and pay you hundreds of thousands of dollars?” she thundered back at me. 

“The best you could have done was to tell me what I was getting into not drug me and get a man to have sex with me, violate me and impregnate me. How can you even call yourself a human being?” I hollered back angry. 

“Emma, it's done and now you are free from the guilt of birthing a child to suffer miserably. You are now a senior, and you have lots of things on your hands, why put your career on hold for a child whose father doesn't even want him,” she said a lot calmer like she was trying to persuade me. 

“Sweet...” she continued but I interjected.

“Don't you dare call me that! I blame myself anyways…”

I broke down in tears as it continued to run down my face yet anger still simmering all targeted at the one at the other end of the call. 

Yet, even amid my anger, I couldn't ignore the pain etched in Maria's voice as she responded, her words laden with remorse and regret. "Em, I'm so sorry. I never intended for any of this to happen. I never wanted you to suffer like this. I wish I could turn back time and undo the pain that has been inflicted upon you."

As her words washed over me, a flicker of realization began to penetrate my clouded mind. Maria, too, bore the weight of guilt and responsibility, burdened by her role in this tragedy. At that moment, I recognized the shared pain and devastation we both carried.

I couldn't hold back the tears any longer, and silence filled the space between us. Then, suddenly, Maria's voice broke the silence.

"Em, I have to go now. We'll talk soon!" And just like that, she hung up, leaving me alone with my grief.

I sat there, engulfed in the quietness, my sobs slowly subsiding. The day had turned into evening, the darkness mirroring the heaviness in my heart.

The next morning, I awoke groggily, my mind still clouded from the events of the previous day. The shrill sound of my alarm jolted me back to reality, reminding me of the responsibilities that awaited.

In a dazed state, I stumbled towards the bathroom, desperately needing the refreshing embrace of a hot shower. As the water cascaded over me, I tried to wash away the lingering emotions, hoping to find some semblance of normalcy.

With each passing minute, the weight of my situation pressed upon me. Bills needed to be paid, meals needed to be eaten, and my dreams of completing my college education and securing a good job still stood before me. I couldn't allow myself to be consumed by the grief and remorse over my lost baby.

Drying myself off, I pushed aside the nagging thoughts that threatened to overwhelm me. Going through my wardrobe, I carefully selected an outfit that would carefully highlight what I wanted to feel.

My fingers grazed over the fabrics in my wardrobe as I thought of what to wear. I finally settled on a navy blue skirt, its flowing silhouette representing a sense of freedom, adorned with a contrasting pink flower design to the side. 

Pairing it with a crisp, pink button-down cotton shirt, I sought to project an image of resilience and optimism. The softness of the fabric against my skin soothed me. 

As I stood in front of the mirror, adjusting the outfit, a glimmer of self-assurance flickered in my eyes. 

With a final glance at my reflection, I took a deep breath, summoning the last reserves of energy to endure the rest of the day. 

After juggling my various side jobs and attending classes, I returned home well past dusk, my body yearning for sustenance, relaxation, and rest. Dropping my heavy bag on the floor, I opened the refrigerator and retrieved a can of food. Placing it onto a plate, I set it on the heater, patiently waiting for it to warm up.

Amid exhaustion, I shed each layer of clothing, not even bothering to bring a towel with me. With purposeful strides, I made my way to the bathroom, yearning for the soothing embrace of a well-deserved shower. As the warm water cascaded over my fatigued body, I found solace in the cleansing ritual, momentarily washing away the burdens of the day.

Realizing that my food still awaited me on the heater, mindful of conserving electricity to minimize expenses, I abruptly left the bathroom, hastily wrapping my body in a towel. I swiftly turned off the heater, keen on saving every penny possible. Retrieving my now-warm meal, I settled onto my bed, devouring it hungrily while simultaneously scrolling through my phone, seeking a brief respite from the challenges that life had thrown my way.

A notification popped up and I tapped it. It was from Maria. “Hey sweet, are you up for a cocktail night party tomorrow? I'll come to pick you up at 8.”

Hell no! I wasn't gonna do that again. Not after what I went through the last time.

Not bothering to even reply, I threw my phone aside, cleared the dishes, and changed into comfortable nightwear. Taking note of the blotch of red liquid that had soaked my bed, I forgot I was still bleeding from the abortion process so I pulled out the bedspread and put another one. As I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling, a mix of thoughts flooded my mind—my baby, Ethan, school, bills. With nothing else to do, I let the random thoughts dance through my consciousness, feeling their weight and significance. Slowly, the exhaustion caught up with me, and I drifted into a deep and peaceful sleep, embracing the temporary escape it offered from the harsh realities of my messed up life.

My sleep was interrupted by a persistent knocking on my door, but I was too lazy to entertain any visitors. Ignoring it, I hoped that whoever was on the other side would take the hint and leave, or perhaps assume that I wasn't home and move on.

However, the knocking grew louder and more insistent, jolting me out of my drowsy state. Reluctantly, I dragged myself out of bed, grumbling under my breath about the unwelcome interruption. As I made my way to the door, my mind raced with possibilities of who it could be and why it would be bothering me at this hour.

With a mix of annoyance and curiosity, I finally reached the door and opened it, ready to confront the intruder who had disrupted my precious sleep.

"Are you the only one that doesn't know in New York City that..."

Ethan!

My eyes widened in surprise as I recognized the familiar face standing before me. It was Ethan, the same person who had caused so much turmoil and pain in my life. I couldn't believe he dared to show up unannounced at my doorstep… again. 

"What are you doing here?"