Chapter 8

Whitney

What I wouldn't give for a glass of wine, but let's face it, that's what got me into this situation in the first place. I'm emotionally and mentally raw after talking to Ryan yesterday. So many times in my life I've had to deal with things on my own. Nobody knew how horrible my marriage was, because I kept it all to myself. I've never wanted to be the type of woman who needs someone to clean up her messes, and that ended up with me in the biggest mess of my life.

Beside me, my phone buzzes, and I see Addison's smiling face. Somehow she always knows when I need to talk.

"Thank God," I answer the phone, sniffing as I say the words. "How do you always get it right?"

"Because, we were twins separated at birth," she jokes, a laugh in her voice. "Tell Addison all about it. Did you go to the doctor? Have you found out what the hell's going on with you?"

I haven't told anyone about my night with Ryan, not even the doctor who just confirmed my pregnancy, and I desperately need to. I've kept this inside for six long weeks, and this woman, I know I can trust her with my life. That's how close we are. When I left Stephen, she was the person who went with me to the attorney and held my hand while I filed for divorce. She was the person I sent pictures to the two times he hit me, keeping the situation in her best friend vault while I formulated a plan to leave him. If there's anyone I know I can trust, it's her.

"I'm having a baby with Ryan Kepler." Best to get it out in the open. This is one thing I don't want to brush under the rug. No matter how it ended up, I'm kind of proud of myself for stepping out on a limb and having the guts to tell a man what I wanted. To tell him, because if anyone is definitely a man, it's him.

There's silence on the phone and I'm wondering if I've shocked her into speechlessness. It wasn't what I meant to do and I've truly never known her to not have any kind of reaction. "Addison?"

She clears her throat. "I'm here," she answers. "Did I hear you correctly? You and Renegade did the nasty?"

I breathe through my nose heavily. "It wasn't like that, I swear."

"Wait," she interrupts me. "I'm coming over. I want to see your face when you tell me this tale. I need to know what you're feeling, not wonder about while I'm on the other end of a phone line."

This is exactly what I don't want to happen, because Addison knows me so well, but damned if I can stop it. "I'll see you in a few," I tell her quietly. While I wait for her to get here, I'm going to come to grips with the fact she's going to see everything. I won't be able to hide anything from her.

* * *

It's less than ten minutes later when Addison pulls into my driveway. I hear the car door slam and I can even hear her all but run to my front door. She knows me well enough to know that my front door isn't unlocked. She's laying on the doorbell in seconds.

"I'm coming!" I yell.

Opening the door, I wait for the explosion that I know is coming.

"Whitney Trumbolt, what in the hell has gotten into you?" Addison stops, her mouth moving like she's a fish gasping for air until she finally presses the words out. "Tell me what happened and I'm talkin' now – don't leave anything out."

My palms are sweaty as I have a seat on my couch and face her. It's hard to admit to others what I've done. I don't like disappointing people, and this feels like a huge one. Even bigger than when I quit my job and started my own business, when I finally left my husband and asked for a divorce, and when I was a teenager and told my mom that I wouldn't be doing pageants again. This feels insurmountable.

"One night I was at a bar," I start, gathering my thoughts. "Stephen had left a message on my cell phone and it bothered me, like it always does."

"How many times have I told you, Whit?" She interrupts me. "He's nothing to you anymore. He has no power over you."

Running my fingers through my hair, I squeeze my eyes shut. "I know, I know, but it's not that easy, Addison. Not when you lived what I did for so many years. It's hard to admit, but with the therapy I've had, I can honestly say, I'm owning the fact that I have issues. I'm trying to work through them, but that's neither here nor there. You asked me what lead me to Ryan. It was Stephen."

A smile forms on Addison's face. "How fuckin' ironic."

Ignoring her, I move forward. "There was way too much drinking going on. I told Ryan things I've never told anyone before, including you."

"You trust him a little bit then," she interjects.

"He's Trevor's best friend. Why would I not trust him? I've known him since he was a kid – which brings me to another problem. He's ten years younger than me."

"One thing at a time," she gets me back on track. "I gotta know about conception night."

I'm not sure how comfortable I am telling her how bare we laid ourselves that night. How bare I laid myself. I've thought about it since then, and I realized I gave a piece of myself to Ryan that I've never given to another person and I'm trying to process that still.

"I asked him to end my long drought, he brought me back here, and did everything I asked him to."

Her eyebrows are in her hairline. "That's it? You're not going to give me details?" Her voice squeaks with disbelief.

"I think you know what happened, it's been happening since the beginning of time." I brush it off. If anyone asks me, I'll say it was a coming together of two bodies in the age-old dance of time, but God it was so much more than that. It was me getting a piece of myself back and the best sex I've ever had in my life. And while I'm being honest, I've woken up at least once a week since our encounter having dreams of Ryan. He did things to me I won't even admit in the light of day.

She leans in with this look on her face that I recognize. I think I'm about to get a lecture.

"Whitney, how could you not use protection? He's a young guy who's been all over the world. I'm sure he's sticking his dick in anything that walks."

"Gee, Addison, thanks!" The thought had crossed my mind, but I don't think we're giving him enough credit. There was something about the way he'd treated me, the way he'd touched me. It made me think that it had been a while for him too, like I wasn't a one-night stand.

"Sorry," she shrugs but I can tell she isn't.

"Stephen and I tried to get pregnant for years and we couldn't. I was always lead to believe that I couldn't have children," I explain, tears popping into my eyes again. Hormones are going to kill me.

"Oh, Whitney," she shakes her head, letting it fall back on her shoulders. "Let me guess, by Stephen?"

I can't meet her eyes as I nod, my chin trembling with the magnitude of feelings my marriage caused me. It's an embarrassment to know that he's still so deep in my head, even a year after the divorce. I should be stronger than this. "Needless to say," I shrug, a small smile on my face. "I'm pregnant, and it's his."

Addison scoots forward and grabs my hand in hers. "Are you happy, Whit? This is what you've wanted for so long. So what's got you upset?"

I swallow roughly and realize that what I'm about to say sounds stupid, even to my own ears. "He wants to be a part of the baby's life."

Throwing her head back, Addison cracks up. "Oh girl, you try to keep this man away from you or his child, you're in for the fight of your life. You might as well give in. Renegade Kepler gets what he wants. He's wanted you for years and damned if he didn't get you – at least for a night."

The realization that she's right has me more scared than before.