Chapter 10

Whitney

I don't think I've ever been this nervous in my life. Running my hands down the jeans I'm wearing, I hope to dry some of the sweat off of them. As I pull my SUV into the parking lot and find a parking spot, I see Ryan's truck already there. That boy is nothing, if not punctual. I look down at the clock on my dashboard to see that I'm fifteen minutes early myself. Makes me wonder how long he's been here; he was probably wondering if I'd show up or not.

He sees me and gets out of his truck, walking over towards my vehicle. I can't help but watch him as he strolls across the blacktop. There's something about the way he walks that shows his authority. He doesn't look down, his gaze is always straight ahead, even though his hands are tucked into his pockets. The jeans he wears are just the right amount of loose, the black t-shirt he wears hugs his body tight. The aviators covering his eyes give him an air of mystery. With the boots on, he looks like he owns the place. My hands shake as I take my key out of the ignition and reach over for my purse. That walk tells me that he's here to play hardball with me, that he's not going to give up as easily as I hoped he would.

My door opens, and he offers his hand to me. "Hey," he grins, pushing his sunglasses up further on his head and I see again why I gave into him so easily that night. Those soulful brown eyes and that damn grin. When he grins, it brings up memories of his head between my thighs and twisted sheets. So what I don't need to be remembering right now.

"Hi yourself," I take his hand and let him help me down. There's a part of me that wants to give him nothing of myself, to let him see the ice queen portrayal I can give when I need to keep my feelings out of situations, but there's another part of me that wants to live in this moment. Ryan enjoys life and I wish so much I could be like him. Maybe I can let him teach me things outside of the bedroom. The only thing I have to do is give him a chance – the chance though is the hardest damn part.

"Are you hungry?" he asks, trying to fill the awkward silence stretching between us.

I haven't eaten much today because I've been so nervous and I answer him truthfully. "Starving, but I'm nervous about our conversation."

"Hell, Whit, I don't want you to be nervous about it. Nothing has to be decided tonight, but I think we do have to respect each other's wishes or at least try to come to an understanding of our own positions."

It's a mature stance to take, and I have to admit that I'm proud of him for taking it, but it doesn't make it much easier for me. I wish he was being unreasonable, that he was giving me cause to tell him to get out of my life for good, but he's not. He doesn't want me to do this alone, and he's being more than understanding about it.

"I hope we can do that, too."

Renegade

I feel like I'm failing at some sort of test that I didn't even know I was taking. We've been sitting at this table for over an hour and have yet to approach any subject that surrounds this unborn child we're having. Conversation has been stilted and polite. Whitney is the consummate southern debutante not wanting to rock the boat, but that fucker needs to be capsized.

"We've eaten, we've had polite conversation, now can we talk about what we really came here to talk about?" I ask, situating myself in my seat so that I'm a little closer to her. I see her stiffen as she closes off a part of herself.

"I guess we should," she admits, but I can tell that this is the last thing she wants to do.

I wait for her to open up the lines of communication, but she doesn't take the first step, and I realize that this is where I'm supposed to man up and make sure this is talked through. Her floundering is her request for help, and I can't mistake the way her eyes flutter at mine, nervous energy shining brightly in them. "I'm going to tell you what I want, and you tell me if it's possible, okay?"

She nods, taking a healthy drink of her water.

"I want to be a part of this baby's life. Doctor's appointments and Lamaze classes, I want to be there. In a perfect world, we would live together, because I don't want you to have to go through everything by yourself, but I know that's not in the cards for us right now."

Her eyes grow round, her face goes ghostly white. "Live together? Like a real couple?"

"Yeah," I admit. "I didn't have the best childhood growing up, I don't know if Trevor's ever told you anything about it. For the most part, I don't share that with many people."

She shakes her head. "Trevor's never mentioned a word to me about it."

"He's a good friend. Right now, I don't want to get into it, but let's just say I always wanted to do kids the right way."

Whitney shifts closer to me. "I did too, but it looks like fate had other plans for us. I promise to keep you updated on what's going on with the baby, but I can't guarantee you we'll ever have a relationship, Ryan. I just can't do that."

A piece of my teenage heart breaks off in my chest and floats around in there, banging against the bone. I literally put my hand to my sternum and rub. Hearing those words was a thousand times more painful than I ever assumed they would be. "I understand," I tell her.

"And I want you to understand, it's not because I don't find you attractive. I do. I think you're a great guy, but desperate situations sometimes throw people into things they would never be a part of otherwise."

I want this woman to know I'm not some dumb kid. I've got a good head on my shoulders, I've been to war for fuck's sake. "Like an eighteen-year-old joining the Army so he can get away from the pieces of shit that raised him? Trust me, Whit, I know all about desperate situations. This isn't my first."

Shock is written on her face and that kind of makes a part of me happy. No one should ever assume they know another person's life. They should never assume that by all outward appearances someone is okay. A smile – it hides a shit ton of pain.

"I'll text you my appointment times," she tells me, resolve now on her face.

Good, she knows I'm not going anywhere now, and that's exactly how I want it to be.