My Father

"I'm sure by the whole cloak and dagger way you received my package that you can guess I'm not some paper pushing accountant or some billionaire that didn't love you or your mother." 

I watch the video closely. Noting how this mans' smile is a slight pull of his lips to the right. The way he scrunches up his nose when he says something he didn't like. The faint shimmer of sadness in his eyes. His voice holds a sense of something he wants to tell me but is being held back. 

He sighs with a dropped head, then looks back at me. 

"I guess there's no need for me to beat around the bush and I won't blame you if you at first don't believe what I'm about to say, but it's the truth. The reason I wasn't around for you and your mother is." 

He again pauses, like he's about to come out of the closet, almost ashamed. I remember when Nathan first came out, he too had that look of shame, although, looking at my father I can see that it's bigger than that. Something tells me that I'm going to wish it was something as simple as him telling me he's gay. 

"I'm a gun for hire. An assassin, if you will. The people I work for are not the 'come over and barbeque' kind so you can imagine what would have happened if they knew about you and your mother? Trust is not something you come across in my line of work."

He drops his head again and runs his hand over his face. The sadness in his eyes now echoing in his voice. 

" Not even those who call themselves friends. "

His hand drops out of view and an emotion in his eyes intensifies. 

" You can't trust anyone, Skylar. Me keeping you and your mother out of my life was the best thing for the both of you. It kept you both safe."

Again, this man is keeping something back, I can tell. He breaks off again, this time looking pained rather than sad. 

" I don't know how old you are, as I don't know when you received this package. I also know I have no right to ask anything of you."

The sadness intertwined with something else now comes through. 

"Skylar. Having watched you grow up from a distance, I've noticed, as much as you are your mothers daughter, you seem to have a lot of me in you too. Which means, I doubt you would be able to live a normal life. Which is why I, unfortunately I'm giving you this choice. "

The sadness vanishes again, leaving me confused as all hell as to what is actually happening right now. 

I look around my room and all the trinkets and posters collecting dust on my shelves and walls. I am happy with normal, aren't I? I go to school, I'm even doing well. I have hairbrained friends I share laughs with, a mother that loves me. I'm living normal. 

I take a closer look at the things in my room. My bookshelf is filled with volumes of Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, several books on the human anatomy and a couple of murder mystery novels. A collection of true crime documentaries, CSI box collections and my prize Halloween dvds. On my walls in between my posters of Mike Meyers and Freddie Kruger, much to my mother's distaste, are various katanas which I've collected over the years.

"Yeah. Very normal, Skylar." I say out loud, rolling my eyes. 

"The choice I'm giving you, is not an easy one and you should not take it lightly. It's not a choice you can come back from. Look at me. Ha, I'm sure as hell not coming back from it." He states half chuckling, knowing how bad that was of a joke. 

"Only you can make it."

The intensity returned to his eyes. 

"If you want to get to know me. I mean really know me Skylar. I can show you who I was. It'll be a journey and a half, that I can promise you, but a lonely journey. You won't be able to tell anyone about me. Not, your best friend, not even your mother." 

His eyes seem to stare straight into mine and stirs something deep within me. He was awakening his part of me. 

" If you choose not to, I will fully understand and I will here and now wish you a full and happy life. The one you deserve. One where you know that I love you, my angel, and your mother with all my heart. If that's what you choose, then let's end it here."

His eyes tear up as he confesses his love and regret not being around like a normal dad is. I tear up too. Those were words I had been longing to hear all of fourteen years of existence. 

My father then pauses and stays quiet. Just looking at the camera. Looking at me. 

I press pause on the video to give myself more time to think. If the decision he wants me to make is that big, there's no way I can make it on a whim. Especially just having learnt who and what my father was. 

A mashup of conflicting emotions springs itself on me and forces me to get up and pace around my room, yet not allowing me to think of a single thought coherently. 

As I pace back and forth I hear the sound of the front door being closed and my mother calling out to me. 

Shit! Shit! Shit! I rushed over to my bed, slammed my laptop shut and threw the remnants of my fathers package under my bed. 

I was about to turn and head for the door when it opened. 

"Skylar! What are still doing up? Do you have any idea how late it is?" My mother asks slightly exasperated, having to deal with a teenager all on her own. 

"Sorry mom. I…  I just got caught up in my assignment and lost track of time." I replied, trying very hard to plaster an apologetic expression on my face. 

"Well. You're lucky it's Sunday tomorrow. Get some sleep." She says as she turns back around and exits my room. Adding a final, "Sleep well my angel. Love you!" 

"Love you too." I call back out to her, thinking of what she had just called me. 

"My angel." I whisper out into my room. 

My father had just called me the same thing. 

Not sure what to think or feel, other than a bit of guilt for having to hide something from my mother, my legs move me closer to my door and my hands subconsciously lock my door. I turn and press my back to the door and force myself to breathe deeply. 

My eyes drift to my laptop just sitting there. It seemed to be glaring at me, burning its weight into my soul