EPILOGUESo, where doesthis leave us now? I don’t have much more to say on the matter. I’ve now killed both my parents, a surrogate father figure, and the only man I’ve ever even come close to feeling what some might describe as love for. I suppose I could spend my energy hunting down the rest of the Marching Tides and make sure they don’t spill T.H.E.M.’s—and therein my—secrets to the world, but honestly, I don’t have the energy to care about all that now. I got the revenge I was looking for, and it cost me all of the people I ever cared about.I suppose I’m a little concerned that the remaining Marching Tides may try and hunt me down and avenge the death of their leader—my mother—but I say let them try. I will be more than happy to kill any one of those fuckers who tries to fuck with me.So, what now? I have to admit Jason’s idea of finding the beach from The Shawshank Redemptionhas a certain appeal. If only he hadn’t felt the need to go all ‘patriarchal protector’ o
1Do we haveto do this Julie Andrews Getting To Know Youbullshit again? I have to bury my mother today—well ... there isn’t really anything to bury, but it’s her fucking funeral and I’m not here to argue semantics, you get the point—and I am sonot in the mood for this. Okay. Fine. Let’s just get this over with. Previously on The Universe Shits On Sarah Killian:My name is Sarah, and I work for a super-secret organization called the Trusted Hierarchy of Everyday Murderers (T.H.E.M.) that employs Professional Serial Killers (P.S.K.’s) and assassins. I hate, hate, hate assassins—so I find it particularly appropriate that their title starts with two asses.T.H.E.M. is contracted by various entities—a few wealthy private citizens and corporations who can afford us, but most of our work comes from the government. Completely off the books, of course.Assassins’ work is pretty boring and straightforward, so I won’t waste my time on them. The P.S.K.’s is wher
2To say thatmy mother and I had a difficult relationship would be the understatement of the millennium. Obviously, a big part of that had to do with the whole ‘spending almost half of my life in jail for the murder of my dipshit father’ thing, but if I were completely honest it went much deeper than just that. I admit I resented her for being with my father in the first place. They were a case of that age-old high school romance story. You know the one. Two horny teenagers get drunk at Grad Night Disneyland and get kicked out of the park for having sex on the It’s A Small World ride, nine months later: ta-da! I’m pretty sure the fact I know so many specific details about my conception is a big part of the reason why I’m so fucked up. Well, that and just the simple fact I was conceived on possibly the most annoying theme park attraction in the entire world ...So, suffice to say, were it not for surprise li’l me, my mother probably would not have ended up with my
3My Lyft driverdrops me off at the T.H.E.M. headquarters—a warehouse in Chatsworth that fronts as a porn distribution warehouse. As I get out of the car and walk towards the warehouse, I can feel the driver’s eyes on my ass, no doubt imagining me performing in one of the movies stored within the building. Pig. He’s lucky I’m still—at the moment, at least—under contract with T.H.E.M., otherwise, I very likely would have killed him then and there just to work off some of my stress from mother’s funeral. Maybe if Zeke fires me, I’ll get lucky on my return home and get the same driver ... A girl can dream. I flash my I.D. badge at the desk security guard, who no doubt believes he actually works for a porn warehouse, and make my way to the back of the building, past aisles and aisles of storage boxes of smut. At the very back of the warehouse is a standard bookshelf lined with DVD’s. I look for the current secret video—Jurassic Puss, tagline: ‘Life finds a way .&
4Hi, Jason here.Figured I’d take this opportunity to clear some things up while Sarah’s unconscious. Don’t worry, she’s fine. I managed to get her into my car and to a safe location. Well ... as safe a location as there is in our current circumstance ... She’s been out for a couple of hours, but I expect she’ll be waking up soon, so let’s get this over with while we can. First and foremost, I’m going to assume Sarah has told you I cheated on her, probably with Mary Sue. I nevercheated on her. I might be a heartless, work-for-hire killer, but I ain’t a cheating pig. Even assassins have morals, you know.You may have picked up on the fact that Sarah has a few commitment issues, so when things started to get serious between us, she started looking for any excuse she could find to break things off. One day she saw me hugging one of my assassin trainees—and yes, that trainee just so happened to be Mary Sue, long before she and Sarah became acqu
5What the fuckdid Jason say to you while I was out?Did he say I don’t have Tourette’s? He said I don’t have Tourette’s, didn’t he? I have Tourette’s, Porcupinedamnit!Ugh. Whatever. As long as he didn’t tell you about Pinny. Wait ... he told you about Pinny, didn’t he? Son-of-a-crotch-cuddling-lemur-loving-carpet-cooking-turd-licking-bastard-I’m-going-to-motherfucking-kill-him-and-no-I-don’t-mean-that-figuratively!Whatever Jason told you, it’s complete bullshit. The man is a lying, cheating, bastard. You’ve known him for one chapter. You’ve gotten through two whole bookswith me, and have I ever led you astray? Don’t answer that. I realize I shot myself in the foot with that argument.I can’t believe that son-of-a-cricket-choker took over a chapter of mystory. Who the fuck does he think he is inserting himself into my narrative? Typical, arrogant man.Fuck it. We’ll deal with this bullshit later. But don’t think this is over. You and I have som
6I swear toeverything that is Evil and Unholy in the world, if Jason hijacked my narrative again while I was asleep, I am going to castrate that no-good-son-of-a-bagpipe-player and make him wear his testicles as a necklace. No? Hmm. Fine. I guess I believe you. He can keep his nuts. For now ...It seems Jason was right that I needed to rest because when I wake up it’s the next morning. I rarely sleep more than six hours at a time, so for me to have slept through almost an entire day, that definitely says something—and no, I’m not happy about the fact that the ‘something’ said essentially proves Jason right. Fucker.The back of my head is still tender where I hit it, but I no longer feel like every move I make is going to cause my entire being to implode in a spectacular display of fireworks so I guess that’s an improvement.Jason is nowhere to be seen, so I decide to take advantage of the opportunity to see how much I can move around without him mollycoddling m
7The first thingI notice on stepping outside is the sky. It’s not the usual sickly gray smog that Los Angeleans take for granted on a day-to-day basis, but rather the apocalyptic orangish-gray haze of death that signifies a nearby brushfire; you can even taste the toxicity in the air. Sure enough, a glance at the news on my smartphone confirms that some embers from the bombing in the valley got caught on the wind and started a raging fire in the Simi Hills. Now I’m no tree hugger, though I suppose I’ll admit I’m more likely to hug a tree than another human being, but the fact that these assholes are wantonly causing such chaotic destruction all for the sake of tormenting me really, reallypisses me the fuck off.The trip to Jason’s fourth safe room in North Hollywood goes smoothly. However, that makes me concerned our luck will probably run out when we get to my place. We get in; Jason retrieves his hidden stash of supplies, I.D.s, and cash from underneath a loose floor