Divided

I take the pen, with the intention of writing down everything that's swirling in my head, but I end up staring at the blank sheet.

I hear the clock ticking away, sensing its needles piercing through time, making me realize that my life is slowly slipping through my fingers. I feel like I'm losing control.

I slap myself, trying to jolt myself into action, but all I get is a desperate cry. Maybe I should lie down, perhaps I can calm down a bit. But as soon as I look at the bed, the fear grips me that I might return to that nightmare that has been haunting me for days.

There's a strong smell of something gone bad, "it almost makes me want to vomit."

I hug myself, trying to appease the sensation.

There's a body on the ground, but I can't see the face.

"Wait a moment! But it's dressed like me."

"Say it, Isaac, say it."

"It can't be, it can't be."

I scream until my throat hurts, until I feel it burning with pain.

I wake up in my bed, feeling that something in my head isn't working. "Am I a defective toy, perhaps?"

I go to the mirror; I need to see my face. I need some certainty.

I touch my face as if it's the first time I see it, repeatedly washing it to try to wash away that feeling of not being myself anymore.

When I raise my head, the shadow I saw in the car reappears behind me, staring at me. I can't move; my brain goes haywire again. "It's not fair, why won't you leave me alone, don't I have..."

"Finish the sentence, Isaac, admit it to yourself."

"It's not fair, enough! Get out of my head, all of you."

I rise from the ground, thinking I might have fainted, leave the bathroom, and go to the kitchen, starving. I eat a sandwich, hearing the noise of the teeth clashing, abruptly stopping as the sound vanishes. "How is this possible?" It's as if my senses are amplified.

I try another bite; slowly, I begin to move my mouth, the noise seems to be gone. Maybe it was just a moment.

The next morning, I feel clear-headed enough to go to university, so I get ready and leave. Once in class, I see a new girl staring at me, "what does she want from me?"

I've never been good at connecting with people; I always feared getting lost, hurting them, or getting hurt. The only people I had allowed into my life were my parents and Jimmy.

The lesson passes quickly; everything seems normal except for the fact that I feel a strange presence staring at me.

"You must be Isaac."

"Yes, who are you?"

"I'm Lilith, the new one. Professor Bunner told me about you."

"That man never shuts up."

She stands there, looking at me, expecting something from me. I simply ask her if she wants to have lunch with me. She smiles, heading towards the door. This makes me sigh with relief.

We head to the cafeteria; the room is full of people. I rub my face, already feeling my head throbbing. Lately, I can't stand being in very crowded places for more than ten minutes, making it even harder for me to have a social life.

"If you want, we can go somewhere quieter."

"What is this feeling invading my body?"

"Okay, thanks."

We head to my car; she seems calm and at ease, the opposite of me, who is uncomfortable.

I drive to the nearest piadineria; I feel my heart slowing down again, that strong smell of something gone bad fills the car. "I have to stop!"

In the back seat, the shadow I saw this morning in the bathroom reappears. I press hard on the brake, stopping the car abruptly.

She looks at me, unfazed, extending her hand, saying, "Isaac, everything's fine."

Those words suddenly make everything go back to normal. I thought, "No one had ever told me a phrase like that."

We arrive; she takes my hand and starts running towards the piadineria.

"Come on, I'm starving."

"I'm coming."

We sit at the table and order piadinas. I can't stop looking at her, "who knows who she is?"

"Tell me about yourself, why did you decide to study screenwriting?"

Now, this is a good question. When I enrolled, I had clearer ideas; I wanted to give words to deep aspects of human existence, so they could make people reflect, maybe even help them.

"Well, because I like to write."

She bursts into laughter.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No, you're just mysterious."

"I said the wrong thing?"

"No, of course, you're the mysterious one."

I pay the bill; we get back into the car. This time, everything is calm.

"We've arrived, thanks for the company."

"Don't mention it; anyway, you're mysterious too."

"Really, why don't you ask the right questions?"

"I wonder what she meant."

I return home and try to study; my concentration is surprisingly high. I manage to study several pages and write my screenplay.

I'm super happy. Everything fades when I head towards the bedroom; I already feel my breath increasing. I can't live like this; I have to pull myself together.

I lie down, close my eyes, and again, I smell that odor.

I mustn't run away this time; I gather courage and move forward, finding myself again in front of a body dressed exactly like me, but I can't see its face.

"You can't or you don't want to see it?"

"I, I can't."

"Why can't you, Isaac?"

"Because it hurts; I don't want to suffer."

"Really, yet I see you clinging to your pain."

I've heard that phrase before, "You are..."

Behind me, someone is crying; I turn slowly to see who it is.

"It's me!"

"Isaac, why did you do this to us?"

"I haven't done anything."

"Look again, see what you've done."

"Am I really beating that child? Is that really me?"

I hear his screams, his pain. Something inside me breaks.

I fall to the ground breathless, starting to scream.

"Enough! Stop it."

I wake up crying in my bed. I feel that my mind has split.

There's someone else with me in my head.