It was a boring day.
Well, it was and it has been like this since no one knows when.
Waking up every day for the reason that I want to die, going to work for some ironic reason—for my daily living. Magastos kasi mag-isip kung paano mamatay. And going back to my place trying to kill myself.
Trying.
Like, right now.
I busied myself finding a nice rope. I spent the whole day at different stores, buying what I needed.
Yes, today I am planning to hang myself. Bigti.
I am really hoping to succeed with this one because my last three attempts all failed.
At first, I bought lots of medicine, grabbing every box I’ve seen at the drugstore. I didn't bother to read the names and so it happens that those meds were multivitamins. I can still remember the smile of the girl at the cashier as she punched the ten boxes of multivitamins with different brands. I almost rolled my eyes on her, but I didn't. It was my stupidity so I should be mad at myself. And it was another stupidity to die from a multivitamin overdose.
The second one was to drown myself in the enormous river near my place. I successfully jumped over the bridge and as I submerged deep underwater my consciousness was slowly losing. I closed my eyes and felt the endless falling and being one with the water, but then I woke up in a hospital bed. A group of teenagers found me and claimed that they saved me from drowning. Little did they know I was killing myself. They reported the incident to the police and so I just said that I was drunk and I do not know why I ended up at the river. The drunk part was true tho. Easy. I almost congratulate myself for being such an actress because I kept on thanking the four teenagers. They were put on the headline after they became my “life saver,” even though I don’t wanna be saved, not at all.
And a week ago, I almost jumped at the bridge but an old man—a beggar, came to me and asked for money. I gave him all my money so he would shut up, I thought he already left so I was preparing to jump. He held my hand and let me off the bridge, he lectured me like he was a priest and said a lot of stuff that I didn't bother to listen to. My mood was ruined, I left him and I walked on my way to my apartment because I do not have even a centavo to pay for a ride.
But today—is of course a boring day. A special boring day, the day that I will die.
I was walking through the dark hallway, on my way to my room. Darkness was all over the floor, it seems like the management cannot afford to buy enough light bulbs to light up the whole building. The dust was stuck in my hands and nose as I held the door knob. The slow turning of the knob and the creaking sound of the door thrilled me.
I walked through the balcony which overlooked the city. The darkness was slowly eating the horizon, noises were continuously growing and the streets became busier than in broad daylight. I think this will be the last time to appreciate this scenery.
I decided to go inside after composing myself a little, the deafening silence welcomed me.
I looked above my ceiling, there were no visible woods, hooks, steel, or anything that I can use to tie up the rope so I inspected my whole place. At the bathroom, there is a long, old, rusty tube near the rusty shower hanging across the division of the tub door and the whole bathroom door. I held onto it to weigh if it could manage to hold me for a long time, and it did. I sighed in relief.
I got on a chair and tied up the rope.
After setting it up, my heart pounded like it wanted to come out of my skin. The silence was defeated by the pounding of my heart and the noise that came from the harsh flow of water.
I forgot to change my dress.
Paano ko nga ba malilimutan iyon?
So, I walked back into my bedroom only to wear the dress. It was a cream-white-off-shoulder floral dress which was above my knee. Mom bought it not more than a year ago.
I looked at myself in the whole-body mirror, I turned around only to see a man on the balcony. He was knocking at the glass transparent door, looking at me. He ducked, his eyes widened, he was mouthing something I cannot understand. He continuously knocks, he was furiously knocking at my door! My brows furrowed; it took me forever before I reluctantly opened it. He immediately got in and caught his breath. “Thank you! Salamat! Salamat!” His sweat was all over his body.
As I was about to close the door, I heard a commotion outside. So, I stepped out and looked down, my place is on the third floor so I can still clearly see and hear what is happening below. Hindi naman ganun ka-taas ang apartment na ito.
“Nawala!” Mayroong limang lalaki na tumatakbo papalapit sa apartment na inuupahan ko. They look like goons straight out from an action movie.
A man on white shirt and a big body said, “tingnan niyo doon!” Then a guy on black shirt answered, “yare tayo nito!” Nagsimula na silang kumamot sa ulo nila.
“Maghanap kasi kayo, hindi ‘yung puro kayo dada!” sounds like the guy that just shouted was their leader. “Doon kami sa kabilang eskinita, dito na kayo. Tawagan niyo agad kami kapag nakita niyo!”
Nang nawala na sila ay isinarado ko na ang pinto. The man I let to come in was now sitting on my bed, scratching his nape.
Just what the heck is happening?
“Sino ka? Who are those men? Ikaw ba ‘yung hinahanap nila?” He got up so I stepped backwards, away from him.
“Chill. I would answer all of your questions, miss.” I feel like my brows are colliding.
He stared at my dress then he let his eyes wander all over my untidy place. “Salamat. For saving me and for opening the door.” He said in the sincerest tone I’ve ever heard. I sighed.
“Yes, okay. Whatever. Ikaw ba ‘yung hinahanap ng limang lalaki kanina?” He nodded, “why? May atraso ka sa kanila?” Just thinking about it gives me chills. Ayokong madamay sa mga ganoong bagay, surely, I wanna die but not in the hands of anybody. If I die, it will be because of me and myself alone. He did not answer, his face looks like saying “meh.” He doesn't wanna say.
A dummy, after saying he would answer all of my questions, he would just give me that attitude.
“Another favor,” I crossed my arms, “before answering all of your questions, can I use your bathroom?” My eyes widened. To the bathroom. My rope was hanging there. And I am supposed to be hanged by now!
“No!” Mukha siyang nabigla, masyado yatang malakas at mataas ang pagkakasabi ko nu’n. “No, I mean. Hindi nagana ‘yung flash sa cr.” He slowly nodded, “I’ll just wash my hands,” he muttered.
“No!” Now I am very sure that my voice was really high and loud, “t-the water is not available at this time. You know, uhm...water rotation.” He then slowly nodded and looked at me with his face full of confusion. “I could hear the water flowing right now.” I slammed my forehead in my imagination.
Stupid!
I should’ve made a better reason. Why would I be bothered anyway, can’t he just get that I don’t want him in my bathroom or in my room! In my place!
“Okay go,” I sighed in annoyance. I felt like the whole thing just turned into a slow motion as he walked inside my bathroom.
I was walking back-and-forth and I felt like he was inside for an hour!
Hinintay ko siyang lumabas, nakapag-isip na din ako ng sasabihin ko just in case he asked me about the hanging rope. This is so strange! It is really strange to explain this to a stranger! A hundred and one percent weird and strange.
He walked out casually, hands in his back. “The rope is—,” he cut me off, “rope? What rope?” I immediately shut my mouth. He was staring at me, waiting for my answer. “No. Yeah. There’s no rope. Are you done? Okay na siguro ‘yung tulong na nagawa ko para sa’yo.”
He did not say anything, he just looked at me and my dress for the nth time and scanned my room.
I stormed all the way through my bathroom leaving the weirdo who was making himself busy, looking around. I roamed my eyes through every corner of my bathroom, the rope was missing. I couldn't find it anywhere. I even opened the mini cabinet attached to the wall beside the small mirror. Wala. It was gone. Naglaho na parang bula. So, he wasn’t bluffing when he said that he did not see any rope. When I came back to my room, he was still there. “I believe I already told you to leave, haven’t I?” He just smirked at me. “Look, masyado na akong naging mabait sa’yo. Just leave or else I’ll call a police!” His smirk faded, he walked towards me so I took a step backwards. “I believe I said that I would answer all of your questions. I am a man of my word, miss?” I raised a brow. “What? Magbibigayan na tayo ng pangalan ngayon?” And then what will be next, he’ll ask for my number so that he can contact me in case he needs someone to help him. Heck, no! “I’m Chris.” He said, neglecting the thin
Patricia dragged me out of the coffee shop as soon as we closed it. Biglaan niyang naisip na mag-bonding kami sa bahay niya, dress up, eat, talk, and watch some movies—the things that we used to do. Memories of it came back rushing through my mind. Those were the happiest days that I will treasure until I die. Those were the days of young adulthood—chasing our dreams, making the most out of every day, getting wasted, coming home late but sober. Patricia and I were partners in crime even when we were still at Ariel. “You’re spacing out!” She blurted, making a sudden brake at the stop light. I shrugged and pressed the radio playing a random station. She seemed irritated but she did not say anything. We entered Jacques subdivision in complete silence. Patricia did not wanna ruin the mood even more so she was cheering me up. She told me what happened about her trip at Merida City and told me about a guy she’s been eyeing for two weeks now. I tried my best to give her my full attention and
Have you ever felt like living is a crime? Like every breath has to cost each part of your body, and now that you’re twenty-four, there’s no more of you that you could give off. Ubos na. Now you’re breathing illegally. And you could not contain the guilt of knowing that there is no more of you. Chris took me back to my apartment, he did not say anything. He did not ask what was happening. He just looked at me and said, “ingat.” And that’s a good thing. As he believes that we would meet again soon, I believe in it as well. May utang ako na kailangang bayaran sa kaniya, I need to return the favor to him. So I’ll be leaving in peace. I wish that our final meeting would happen soon – that my death would come soon. I don’t want to went inside my apartment pero masyado na akong nahihiya kay Chris at naiinis sa sarili ko. That short stop-by at the convenience store was enough for me to at least breathe and be calmed. I got straight to bed and slept the first time my back hit the mattress.
My heart was pounding as I approached the coffee shop. This was our dream—Pat and I. Open a café, cater different types of people that would want to enjoy the smell of coffee in a cozy place where they could work, talk, and have fun. Sinalubong ako ni Cristine, “whoa! Hindi ka late, himala ‘yon!” I rolled my eyes at her, “Nandiyan na si Patricia?” She nodded, pointing to the office’s door. I breathed in. Breathed out. I kept doing it until I had the courage to open the door. Patricia’s working with lots of paper in her desk, “Pat.” She looked up at me and smiled, “hey.” She seemed a bit off, I wonder if she has an idea of what I’m about to do. I sat in front of her and handed her the resignation letter. It’s funny tho. Letters are not really necessary, I just wanna be formal with her. “You, sure? We’ve talked about this a lot of times! And then what, you’re gonna leave this place? And then…” She lost it, crying hard, smudging the papers. “Gosh! Today you are cutting your wrist, a
I can still remember the first time Pat saw all the marks and wounds at my wrists. All those subsided and fresh wounds all over my arms and wrists, I wonder what her reaction would be if she’ll look closely at my waists and legs. Or if she knew those three suicide attempts. Hindi ko na din maalala kung naka-ilang payo na din ba siya sa’kin na pumunta sa therapist, even booked me one dahil sa hindi ko siya sinusunod. Therapists would just talk to me, probably make me plant, take care of pets, write, paint, and so on that they usually advise. At alam kong hindi iyon ang kailangan ko. I feel like tearing up. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero naiiyak ako. I was sure about dying that day! But he intervenes. Hindi ako nagsalita, wala naman akong sasabihin. If I would just blame him again, it would be nonsense. What’s done is done. Like, this is not the first time that my death was postponed. Ha! Postponed my ass. “It was just a hunch at first, I’ve confirmed it at the bridge.” He stopped,
I asked Chris a hundred times kung saan nga ba kami pupunta but all he said is, "don't complain. I am not abducting you. You'll love it there." Isn't this a kind of abducting me? Chris opened the window, I busied myself staring at the beautiful scenery. It's peaceful and perfect. The moon is showing its crescent shape. I heard him call someone on the phone, asking for a reservation. "Saan nga tayo pupunta?" We're going on a higher altitude, ramdam ko ang lalong pag-lamig ng hangin dahil nga sa bukas na bintana. We're going through a zig zag road. Because of the sign that we've passed through, I found out that we're at Chip. "Did you know that Disney Republic — our beloved country, has eight wonders?" He said, as soon as we parked at the garage. I raised a brow, "eh?" Eight wonders? I think I've read something like that in a travel blog. "What about it—?" I asked. I'm a little bit curious about these wonders that he is telling, but I am in awe because of the building we are fa
Days had passed since I first went here at Lumiere. Medyo minamalas, o siguro talagang malas lang ako? Wala pa din akong mahanap na trabaho. I have only two days remaining at hindi na kakayanin ng pera na dala ko ang mga gastusin. Mabuti sana kung makahanap agad ako ng trabaho, pwede akong makiusap para mag-advanced. Heck. My days are getting even more lonely and gloomy. There are times that I am thinking of just hanging myself in my room, but I can't. Wala akong mapag-sabitan ng lubid. I even walked in the middle of the night and jogged around to lighten up this heavy feeling within me. But those aren't enough. Violet told me about the Beast town. She said there are lots of gardens, farms, and agricultural museums there. She said I could enjoy the place and look for a job at the same time. The town is almost an hour and half from Lumiere. Today could be a nice day to die. Why not? The weather is nice, the place is beautiful. The only problem is how to die. For the past few day
Chris helped me to stand up. He’s now wearing his shirt and we’re on our way to his car. Good thing wala kaming nakasalubong na gwardya o taga-bantay, because we look really suspicious dahil basa kaming dalawa. I did not say anything until we reached his car, he opened the door for me and I made my way inside. Instead of opening the aircon he opened the window, so that we won’t die due to hypothermia. I hugged my knees and leaned my head to the window, feeling the air as he drove. “Still too cold?” He asked, giving me a quick glance before looking at the road again. Halata naman sigurong nilalamig pa din ako? Pft. He suddenly stopped the car. I almost hit the dashboard because of the sudden break, and I almost shouted at him. But then I remembered, he saved me from the pond, lent me a ride, and okay, add the fact that he hugged me so I won’t feel cold. So I restrained myself and just shut up. Bumaba siya ng sasakyan at binuksan ang car compartment. He came back inside the car w