III

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head and I cried.

- You Are My Sunshine, Moira

***

SATURDAY. Weekend. Various types of Christmas decor are scattered throughout the mall. Jose Marie Chan songs are playing throughout the mall speakers.

She had no intention of leaving her house that day. But when she woke up this morning, Infinity felt that her apartment was crowded and as if everything inside her room was gagging her up.

She needs fresh air. She needed to see new things, though she had reasons not to go out. First, she didn't want to spend some money. She’s not poor or rich. Her expenditures per month are based on her royalties and salary. Sometimes, she doesn’t have the privilege of spending a lot. Second, this season, the Christmas season, maybe the happiest occasion in the Philippines, but this season also gives her so many heartbreaks.

She wants to be something other than a walking bitter guard, but staying inside her apartment will result in no good. She will only be consumed by grief. And she is afraid of the things that can happen when she indulges in her grief and loneliness. She just looked around the mall. Maybe seeing many people will, somewhat, ease the hollowness in her heart.

She walked aimlessly until her feet took her inside the department store. There is a lot of decor for sale because Christmas is approaching. She couldn't help but smile when he touched an angel pendant on the Christmas tree. Her thoughts drifted to the past.

~ * ~

"What the hell dear! D-Don't go there! Oh! HAHAHAHAH.” Loud laughter filled the small apartment.

"It's really good to squeeze you here." He said while squeezing the woman's side fats. A loud and contagious laugh once again enveloped the small apartment.

“M-Mahal.” She didn't want to be tickled anymore and scold him, but she didn’t have the strength to do it.

"Why?" There were different emotions in his eyes—happiness, contentment, and love.

"That's enough. I can't fix our Christmas tree if you continue tickling me. Oh! Instead of teasing me, can you just help me?” She asked him sweetly.

He stole a kiss from her lips before letting her go. It was light, but her heart was so lost because of it.

He went to the open box in the middle of their small living room containing the Christmas decorations.

"Mahal, what is this?" He holds a small picture frame with a Christmas design. It has a strap attached to the back.

"I bought that at the market the other day." She approached him and took out 4 more pieces like that with different designs on the box. "I still have some here."

"What will you do with it?"

She took the frame he was holding and went to the small center table in their living room. She put a picture and hung it on the assembled Christmas tree.

“Wow!” he said when he saw what she did.

"I would like this to be a tradition for our future family." As she stared at the frame hung on the Christmas tree, it now contained a photograph of them. She faced her husband, who was staring at her.

"I want our Christmas tree to be filled with Christmas picture frames every year. There will be our picture together. Pictures of what happened to us that year. And of course, pictures of our future child." She's already dreaming while telling those things to her husband.

She looked back at the Christmas frame.

"I don't want a fancy Christmas celebration. All I want is our complete family, even without fancy gifts. The most important thing is that we love each other. Because...I've never experienced Christmas like that."

She looked back at her husband again. She can't phantom the emotions in his eyes. Love, sadness, joy. She was not surprised when he suddenly hugged her. Tightly. In such a way, it will relieve the sadness in her heart.

"I promise to--"

"Hey! Didn't I tell you, don't make promises? Promises are made to be broken.”

At other times he might have whined, which he often does when she tells him not to make promises, but this time he didn't argue with her.

"Okay, okay! From now on, there is no Christmas when we are not together. We and our future children." She felt a kiss fall on her forehead. One of the many gestures she loved him doing to her.

"Children?" She suddenly asked.

"Yes, why?" There is mischief in his eyes.

"Why? How many children do you want?” She asks nervously.

"I want a big family, of course. Maybe 3's enough." She felt a little relieved to hear her husband’s answer. She also loves to have a big family, but not too big because she is afraid that she can’t give enough and fair attention to all of them.

"But I have twin siblings, my cousins are twins. You know, it was running in our genes. So 6 or 8 is enough." He laughs wholeheartedly while hugging her.

"M-Mahal!" Infinity called him in disbelief.

"Just kidding! It’s just a joke!” He is still laughing. He held both of her hands and kissed them firmly.

"I know we will get to the point of our marriage where we will have little arguments, little grudges, or fights. But remember this, I am your family. The same way as you are my family. No matter what happens, you will be the person I am going home to. You are my home."

Her eyes blurred because of what he said. He also gave her that intense stare that made her fall over and over again.

"I promised in front of your mother's grave that I would not leave you. And I have no plans to disappoint her. You've been through too much, Love.”

“E-Elroy.” She wanted to say something to him but she couldn't. Her heart was being swallowed up by her emotions right now.

“Now that I'm here. You have someone to lean on. Not only me but also our future children. We are family now, love.” He kissed her again on the lips and hugged her tighter.

"I know you don't want people to make promises to you. But this is the promise that I and your children will keep."

He put his hands on her nape, making her look into his hazel-brown eyes. Those eyes she will never get tired of looking at.

"We will always be together. You will never celebrate Christmas alone, you will never be sad. And if you cry, it is tears of joy.”

She closed the distance between them by hugging him.

"T-Thank you."

He kissed her forehead again.

"Don’t say thank you because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy. And I'm lucky because you allowed me to fulfill your dreams."

"I love you." She whispered into his chest.

"Ditto"

~ * ~

With the happy and colorful lights around her, her tears fell.

Almost 5 years and she's still trapped.

She is also guilty of why she is still tied to the chains of the past five years. But could you blame her? There was a part of her that wanted to bury everything in oblivion. All the crying, all the pain, all the grief over the things fate threw at her. But a bigger part of her didn't want to let them go.

Why?

Because those memories were the thing that gave her so much reason to fight in life.

Her Christmas has returned to how it used to be for the past five years. It was much more painful because of the added memories and broken promises.

But her life must go on. Her life must spin at the same time the Earth revolves. Even though her world is gone. She was about to leave the department store when something, more on someone, caught her attention. She just saw his back and he was far away from her but she knew who it was.

He looks dashing in a long white sleeve polo paired with jeans in blue loafers. He is in casual dress today. Maybe he is off from work.

He is talking to someone on the phone. She was rooted in the same place the moment she saw him.

He is now walking towards her while looking from left and right. Maybe he is searching for someone. She can't take her eyes off him, she follows his every move. She almost gasped when he walked in her direction. She immediately went to the other aisle.

Infinity saw his face more clearly now. He's happily talking to the person on the other side. She kept still until he walked past her place.

In the crowded place, she felt alone.

At the same time, she remembered an old friend. It’s been a while since her last visit to her. Maybe this is the right moment. She decided to visit her tomorrow.