Entry No. 1, 875

August  XX, 20XX

SUBJECT: Entry No. 1, 875

Infinity Janine Ramos <infinityramos@ ymail.com>

Mahal,

I don't know why I'm still doing this email thing. In particular, and I'm sure you won't be able to read it.

Maybe this is my way of coping with the pain of losing the most important person in my life.

You.

Today is Lyra and Sir Jhezz's wedding...second surprise wedding to be specific.

In normal circumstances, I wouldn’t go.

But I want to witness the happiest part of my friend's life.

How can I say that a wedding is one of the happiest parts of life?

Because when we got married, I was at my happiest.

Memories of our wedding kept flashing in my mind. It's not fancy, we don't even have a wedding reception.

I remember we just dragged our classmates and Ma'am Diaz, my favorite professor, to be a witnesses at our wedding.

But for me, that was the grandest and most lavish wedding.

Because I got married to you.

Oh! By the way, they are expecting to. I wish you saw how happy Sir Jhezz was when Lyra said she was pregnant. He is so happy beyond comprehension!

Well, they deserve to be happy after all that they have been through. Maybe fate got tired of giving them problems, so it decided to give them a happy ending. I'm so glad they experienced it. That happy ending. Because ours ended differently. We were only happy for a moment.

I can’t help but ask myself. If things got a little bit different, maybe your reaction would be the same as Sir Jhezz's. Maybe you will also jump with joy and shout to the whole world how happy you are that we are finally expecting.

I know you are just keeping quiet about it, but I feel you are eager to have a child. I know we are not that stable when it comes to our finances at that time. But I know how responsible you are. Since the beginning of our marriage, I have always told you that I am not asking for a grand lifestyle. I am not used to that. All I want is a family that I will look up to and go home to when my work is done. And a family that will stick together, cry, be happy, quarrel, and accomplish things together.

I know you will be a great father. A father who would be with them always. Through their ups and downs. Through their sorrow and happiness. Through their accomplishments and disappointments. Like how you stood by my side and cheered me throughout my battles.

I can’t help but imagine, what if you never got into that accident? What if our child was born? What if we are still together and fulfilling our dreams together?

Our child will be around 4 years old. He or she is already a toddler, in kindergarten. Meeting new friends and interacting with different people. He or she may have your personality. A jolly, full-of-energy ball of sunshine. Loved and adored by people around us.

I can’t help but smile at those thoughts.

But amidst the cheer and happiness around me. Darkness is hugging me, little by little.

I don’t want to break down in front of those happy people around me. I was about to walk out of the reception area, but the bar counter invited me. A few drinks won’t hurt. You are not happy to see me drinking, right? But you are not around.

I was about to walk out of the reception. But luckily I did not. Because after 5 years of pain, my heart had a pain reliever for a while. That was the most carefree laugh I have had in the last 5 years. 

I was okay for a while. So I didn't regret going to Lyra's wedding. But little by little, the small light that ignited the hope in my heart was burned out. I'm back to what I was before. Reality slaps me during moments of happiness. I can’t help but cry and succumb once again to the despair of my reality.

Yes, I can smile, I can laugh, I can be happy...or sort of, in front of many people. But deep down in my heart, I know I'm not okay. I will never be okay. Because I miss you. Every second, every heartbeat. And what pains me more is that I can't do anything about it.

I know that life is not fair. It was always unfair, and it is not right to ask. But about the things that happened to me, I can’t help but wonder. Why, of all the people in the world, He chooses me as the fighter for these kinds of battles? Me. Who did not ask for more? I just ask for what I deserve. Me. Who doesn’t have anyone besides to lean on? Me. Who, though it’s hard, is trying her best to be a good person and live her life.

I have faced different challenges since I was young, and the only wish I keep praying for is to have someone I can lean on and cling to. And then you came. You are my answered prayer and I could not ask for more. You are more than enough for me. But sadly, you were just lent to me for a while.

Maybe if you knew this is what I am doing with my life you would scold me. 5 long years. Five years of crying and sadness because of missing you so much.

But it’s your fault! You said you wouldn't leave me! You said you would always watch over me. You said...you promised. And once again, someone broke their promise to me. But yours is the most painful one. Because I still can't stand up after a long time.

Honestly, I am tired. So tired of the pain and sorrow that is always enveloping me. I don’t know when this pain will stop.

Maybe I will come to the point where I can be freed from the chain that I have bound myself. But maybe this is still not the right time.

Please always remember that I love you very much.

Missing you every day, my one and only.

- Infinity