III. Lowan

Wednesday

     There I was, locked up in my room, shuffling my tarot deck in the dimness of the night. This is the only way I could cope with all the crap that’s happening in my life. My brothers were arguing again, yelling, cursing, and mocking each other. I held back my tears as the idea sank into me: I was an orphan. Yes, I had my brothers, but they didn't feel like family anymore, not for a long time.

     "If only you have listened to mom when she was still alive, you wouldn't be as useless as you are today!" my brother Seth barked.

     "Well, if you weren't too obsessed with that whore you're seeing then you'll find more time to take care of this family!" replied my other brother Arthur.

     "Don't call Sarah a whore because she gave a damn about me more than you, and you call yourself family?" scowled Seth.

     "What about Lowan? I'd understand if you won't give a damn about me, but what about him? All three of us lost our parents, but it has been way harder on Lowan and you don't even care!" Arthur replied. Arthur may not have finished college, but he cared about me. He looked for rackets just to buy me what I need. He would do construction work from neighbouring houses or establishments just to earn money enough to sustain our needs.

     "I work, Arthur! I work every God forsaken day just to put a roof over his head and send him to a damn school! So, don't say I don't care for him! Damn it!" yelled Seth. He's right. He worked to shelter all of us. Being the eldest, he took in the responsibility of being the head of the house. But, he never saw me as a brother, he only saw me as an obligation and Arthur as a burden.

     Their quarrel continued. It usually lasts for how many minutes until one of them just storms out; then, when they see each other the next day, they would act as if they're strangers. The cold treatment would last until they get into another fight. It was routine. Sometimes, I like it when they quarrel because it's the only time they get to tell each other their feelings; it's the only time I see them being true to themselves. Both of them care and look after me, but instead of bringing them together, it brings them apart.

     I laid down my cards, flipped them one by one, and did a reading. The last card was the Strength arcana. I remembered what my grandmother told me when I got bullied in school, “My child, be strong.”

     “But Lola, I’m not strong. I couldn’t even fight back,” I replied in between my sobbing.

     “Apo, strength is not about having the force to push people or beating them; most of the time, strength is measured by how much pain and suffering one can endure without completely losing character. If you are kind, stay kind no matter how cruel the world may be; never let others change you just because they’re different from you. That, apo, is true strength.”

     I understand now. I may be a coward hiding in the dark, but I am strong enough to keep loving my brothers no matter what they say or do. I always had tarot readings accurate to the situation as if my grandmother was guiding me from the afterlife. She was the greatest fortune-teller in town and somehow, I inherited her gift along with her tarot cards when she passed. That’s all for the night. I kept my deck, wrapped them with a velvet satin cloth, and dug my face on my pillow. My consciousness drifted as I fell into another astral projection.

     I found myself in a grand room. The extravagant chandelier caught my attention; then, under the chandelier, I saw a girl: a slender girl with long black hair wearing a pink sailor uniform. She was sitting still with her back against me. I stepped closer and I heard a melody; it was beautiful and sad. I realised that the girl was playing the piano. I was about to walk toward the pink pianist when she suddenly stopped playing. She turned to my direction; she was as beautiful as the melody she was playing and her skin was almost as white as sampaguita. She looked so immaculate with her eyes glistening from the chandelier and her lips apart. She radiated a cool and bright aura. Her psyche felt like the pale moonlight during a cold, crisp midnight. Suddenly, she spoke in a calm voice, “Is someone there?”

     I was stunned. Usually, I'm invisible in my astral projections. How come this girl felt my presence? Moments later, four individuals entered the room wearing birthday hats and carrying a cake. Confusion devoured me; did the pink pianist feel my presence or theirs?

     A thunder clap woke me up by surprise. I shot up from my bed catching my breath as my heartbeat resounded throughout my body. Something felt wrong. I tried to rub my eyes then I realised what was wrong. I fell asleep wearing my glasses and now it's broken. I squinted at my digital clock to try to make out the time; it was almost midnight. I felt my stomach grumble then I remembered I skipped dinner and now I'm hungry. I went downstairs to the kitchen to find something to eat. I scanned the fridge, I rifled through the cupboard, and there was nothing to be found. I decided to go out to buy something to eat.

     I grabbed my maroon plaid hoodie, my panda coin purse, and my iPod; inserted my hands in my jacket pockets; and went out to buy some food from the nearest 7/11 store. As I was on my way to the store, I felt the cool midnight air brush my cheeks. Listening to Everglow by Coldplay, I looked up the sky; the stars were nowhere to be found, I hated it. I’ve always adorned the constellations above; the stars have guided me all my God forsaken life, and their absence makes me long for them. Lola always believed that accurate tarot readings and dreams of foresight are gifts from the heavenly bodies above.

     A few minutes later, I found myself in front of the convenience store. I got inside and scanned the shelves for some cup noodles, potato chips, chocolate bars, and soda. Yes, junk food. Don’t judge me. I went to the cashier and as he was punching in my items, I looked out the window. I saw a girl in a black dress standing motionless staring at a guy sitting on the bench. I can't make out what I'm seeing because I'm half blind without my glasses. Suddenly, the lamplight flickered and went out. I flinched when the cashier asked for my payment. I riffled my coin purse, paid, got my food, and started walking home.

     I ate my cup noodles on my way home. When I reached our house, finishing my instant meal, I found my brother Arthur smoking and seated on our porch. He was staring at the sky. I guess both my brother and I see comfort from the heavens. Every time we look up, it's as if we're giving our parents a heads up that we're either fine or tired. Arthur was tired for sure. I can see it. I sat down next to him and offered him my soda. "Thanks lil bro," he wrapped his arm around me and kissed me on my head. "You got hungry again, didn't you? Those junk food won't do you any good. Eat some decent food," he scolded. I love it when Arthur scolds me, I can feel how much he cares for me. He's a man now. I looked up the sky like he did, and I remember when all three of us would play around a bonfire in our yard during the Christmas season while our parents roasted chestnuts and my grandmother sang songs for the stars.

     Arthur and I spent a lot of minutes staring at the stars and talking about memories when we were still a family, a complete family that is. Our time together cheered him up a bit. I love it when I make my brother smile, especially after an exhausting day.

     "So, how are you and Seth?" I said in a very soft voice.

     "We're still hanging in there. Thanks for being there for me, for us. You're young but you're smart. If I were in your situation, I would have ran away a long time ago and lived under a bridge with stray dogs. Hahaha," he said.

     "You just gave an idea!" I said in a cheerful voice. Arthur stopped laughing and said, "Don't you dare do that to me."

     Arthur inhaled his last puff and threw his cigarette butt on the street. He turned to me. "I'll take care of you kid, as long as I can," he whispered. He hugged me tight; I almost suffocated at the smell of cigarette smoke on his chest, but the warmth of his arms made me emotional that I cried in silence. He kissed me on the forehead and said, "Now, go up to your room and rest. You have classes tomorrow."

     I stood up and beckoned him to get inside with me. He gestured that I go ahead as he lit another cigarette. I was on my way to my room when I heard the front door. I guess Arthur changed his mind. I went in my room, removed my hoodie, lay on my bed, and started eating my chips. Reaching for my tarot deck, I heard Seth shout but was immediately muffled. I think he was calling for my name. I stood up and placed my deck in my pocket. I approached the door and my heart pounded. The panic in my brother's voice dwelled in me. Chills enveloped my body and cold sweat surfaced my skin. I wanted to open the door to go to him but his yell was a warning that I should stay inside and hide. I'm confused. My hands were shaking and my jaw trembled.

     Someone pounded on my door, and I took an immediate step back. My hands were rendered lifeless due to fear. I felt a burning sensation in my pocket, or is it cold? I really can't tell, it pierces through my skin. I felt helpless, alone. The same feeling I had when mom and dad died. I feel abandoned and hopeless like I want everything to end. I fell to my knees, preparing myself for my end. I shut my eyes, placed my face on my hands, and I flinched with every pounding on the door.

     Finally, with one great slam, my door flung open. I didn't dare look up. Someone pulled me hard by the arm, I opened my eyes but I looked down, and I was brought to Seth's room. My head was pulled up by force and I felt something cold held to my throat. There were two burglars wearing hockey masks, one was holding me captive with a knife and one was pointing a gun at Seth.

     "Give us all your money, jewelry, and gadgets or the kid gets it," the man holding me said in a husky voice. I swallowed but the cold steel against my throat interfered. My sweat trickled from my forehead to my chin. I saw Seth tremble with fear. The panic in his eyes was evident. I never saw Seth like this. He was usually in command and strong; now, he's like a lamb running away from a pack of wolves totally losing composure.

     "I'll give you everything! Just don't hurt my brothers please!!" yelled Seth as he took out his wallet and phone. The man with the gun gestured for the laptop and commanded my brother to get the loot from the other rooms. Seth returned bringing all of our gadgets. The burglar with the gun threw a duffle bag at my brother to place the gadgets. With a quick zip, Seth gave the bag to the burglar. The man pulled it and ran away. The other man pushed me hard and followed his accomplice. I fell to my knees and I wept. I'm quite sure I trembled so hard. Seth shuffled towards me and pulled me tight into his arms to hush my trembling but I can feel he, too, was shaking.

     "Are you okay Lowan??" asked my brother trying to catch his breath.

     "I am... Wait. Arthur!!" I remembered. He was still on the porch! I escaped from Seth's tight hug and ran downstairs as fast as I could. As I was approaching the front door, I saw Arthur's body lying on the wooden steps. I knelt and examined my unconscious brother.

     "Arthur! Arthur! Wake up! Please! Don't leave us, please..." I shook him hard. He groaned and opened his eyes slowly. "What happened?" he grabbed his head and flinched. His head was bleeding; the burglar must have knocked him over the head. "Are you okay Lowan? Seth! Is he okay?" Arthur asked in a panic. I assured him that we're fine. Arthur hugged me tightly. "I thought I've lost you," he whispered.

     Seth's slow footsteps approached us. He stopped by the door and took a look at us. He sighed with relief when he saw us. He knelt down, grabbed Arthur and me, and cradled us in his strong arms. He kissed my forehead then Arthur's. "I'll protect you. I will," he paused, "but first, let's get Arthur to the E.R.; then, let's file a police report," said Seth. We all stood up, but Arthur fell out of balance. Seth took Arthur's arm and flung it around his shoulders. I took the other arm around my shoulder, and we started to walk.

     "We got you."