I get home. It's the weekend. I want to sleep. Sleep makes my boredom pass. After an hour, my mother knocks on the door.
"You okay, Natalie?" My mother asks.As usual, she can tell something is wrong. And, of course, I am obligated to respond. Why is she, my interrogator? It gets old. It comes from the love she has for me, barf. Maryanne and I used to be close. But then, as Sammy and I grew up, she favored Sammy. She always chose Sammy. Sammy forever!That's why my dad is my favorite parent. He's there for me. I understand my mom is attempting to cover the "hole" in Sammy's life. The hole that her loser dad walking out on her has created. But nothing can fill it. Not even water. If anything, water makes holes deeper over time with erosion. That's my mom. She's the water in Sammy's life. Making it harder for her to be normal and move on. My mom erodes her daughter's away with her false praise."If you want to know, mom... I might break up with Chad," I finally say after minutes of nothingness."Why? Any particular reason?" Mother asks."He's moving away in a week. The family is having money trouble. They are going to New York state to live with his grandma," I finish."Oh, I'm sorry, honey. If you need to talk, we are here for you," mom says, brushing my hair behind my ear.Sammy walks in with a large plate of nachos and salsa."Here's dinner, Nat. I overheard a little. If you want to rant, feel free to talk to me," Sammy says.I get up and hug her. She is the most important person in my life. Even if her accomplishments forever outshine mine, I will love my sister, Sammy, forever.Sammy and mom leave my room. Cinnamon jumps on me and purrs. I share my nachos with her. I watch music videos on my phone. Demi Lovato sings loudly in my headphones. I read about her, the ups and downs of her life. The world must suck if celebrities can't escape hell."Why Chad? Why are you moving?" I say out loud.I hear my bedroom window open. It's Chad."Hi Natalie, are you going to be okay? I overheard what you said. I have to move. My parents can't support us here anymore.""I understand. I really do. But I don't see how this is going to work out," I say.Tears come to my eyes. I must end it with Chad. I need to leave him. The closure we need will be better in person. I have to leave my best friend behind, or he has to leave me."How can you do this to me?" Chad asks."What do you mean? You're the one moving away, not me..." I yell through tears."I told you I wanted to do long distance. How can you be so selfish?" Chad demands."I'm being selfish? Chad, your family, is having money issues. We live in Minnesota. How did you think this was going to work out? I wish it could work out. But I've thought about it. And I don't see this working out at all. I want to hold your hand and kiss you. And I can't do that if you're in New York," I say."Listen, I've thought about it too. Our grandparents used to write letters for months on end. And it worked out for them," Chad said, trying to change my mind."Those were different times, Chad. We aren't our grandparent's generation. I'm fifteen. It's time we both moved on. You will get to New York; you might be sad for a while. But then you will meet someone else who makes you happy. I'd rather you be with her than me. She will be there in person. Let's be real; we're too young to make this work. I'm sorry, Chad, it's over. Done, the end! I wish you luck in New York," I say, kissing him one last time."I'm sorry it had to come to this, Natalie. I will miss you," he says. He hugs me for the longest time. We kiss for what feels like hours. I cry the entire time our lips are locked. But we both knew that it would come to this. Someone had to be brave enough to end our relationship. I only wish it didn't have to be me.Chad leaves. And I feel like shit for breaking up with him. I mourn the summer we will not have together—my stomach aches and churns from the breakup. I will regret this breakup in the morning.I look at the clock; it turns from 1 to 4 am in five minutes. I can't sleep. I walk downstairs into the kitchen to see what alcoholic filth and flavors are available for my underage sorrows.I sneak down the stairs, pausing with each step. I hold my breath in. I don't want anyone to see, hear, or know I exist on the stairs. I want an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter. To disappear into the air and not be viewed by anyone. That must be nice.I go into the alcohol stash my mom has hidden away. She thinks I don't know about it. But I always have. I remember her pulling the toaster oven back and finding that moveable wall tile. And behind the tile, alcohol.I pull the tile aside and find the honey-colored whiskey. I grab one of my dad's shot glasses from his travel collection. The shot glass say
It's happened again-me, forcing my dumb ass to throw up. I head into the bathroom and use the mouth wash to hide the after-taste of vomit.I go into my sister's closet to grab a large hoodie, to feel normal again. Her bedroom is neat, pink, and uncluttered. She has her life together more than I ever will. I see the plethora of teen gossip, fashion, and prom magazines scattered on her bed.I sit on Sammy's bed. The models are perfect. Their eyes all different shades and hues. I will never look like these beautiful Amazonian women. I look like me, but with the circumference of Jupiter as my waistline. The thought of my weight makes me never want to eat again.I don't trust the numbers on my sister's broken scale. It's off by 40 pounds. It says I weigh 110. When I know, I'm 150. I know what deceit looks like. I wish she would buy a new one that works.Another reason I don't want to get a license. I don't want a mug shot taken. Who needs their mug shot and weight amount on the same damn p
I wake up sober. Sunday has a better vibe to it than Saturday. I look around my room and see Selah sleeping. I sneak out of my room and tiptoe quietly to the door. The door squeaks behind me. Go figure. Maryanne, my mom, has made coffee. I haven't seen dad in a while. He's been on a business trip.I grab two ugly poodle-shaped mugs and fill them with hot chocolate and coffee. I hike back to my room and find Selah awake. The coffee is hot as hell, and I almost spill it on her. She grabs the coffee from my hands."Thanks, Nat. So, have you had the chance to ask your parents about Italy? I still want you to go," Selah says."Umm, not yet. It's been a lot of drama, with the breakup and my job interview. I still have a few months to ask. Don't worry, I will. Promise," I say.Selah grabs a towel from my small closet. She unzips her backpack and gets her fancy salon shampoo out."I'm going to shower," she says."That's fine," I say.I sit on my bed. Cinnamon cuddles me and purrs. She knocks
Monday morning arrives. Chad has three days left until he moves. I don't want to see him. It will make it harder for me. If I don't see Chad, I won't be sad. Seeing Chad means feeling, crying, and yuck.Maryanne comes into my room. Half the time, I call her mom, and the other half Maryanne. Lately, she's been the distant Maryanne type. When she tries to get close to me, she's mom. When she favors Sammy, she's Maryanne. I wish dad were back from his pointless business trip.As Maryanne comes in, I decide to fake sick. I can always sneak out later and ride Carmel into the deep dark woods. I pull my legs into my stomach and decide my stomach has the flips."Good morning, Natalie. It's time for school," Maryanne says."I don't feel well," I lie. She feels my head, checks my pulse, and gets me water."Is this about Chad?" She asks."Yes..." I say. I give my mom the satisfaction of guessing correctly."Oh, don't you worry, honey. You can have a mental health day. Take your time. I know you a
A few days pass, and Chad is almost gone. Selah doesn't know about Collin Abernathy. There's nothing wrong with having a secret friend. She didn't like Collin in grade school anyway, and she won't like him now.I focus on school and take notes for once. I flunk my English test. I guess drawing pictures all over it was, in fact, a horrible idea.Chad and I don't talk. Seeing him will make my sad feelings surface. Is Collin, right? Is Chad a big dumbass? Chad's been my best guy friend for so long. I guess I never considered other guys don't normally shoplift or smoke. Has he really had a bad influence on me? Or have I been a bad influence on him? I text Collin in my study hall.Me: Where are you?Collin: At work. Why?Me: Can we hang later this week?Collin: Really?Me: Yes...why?Collin: Thought you didn't like me.Me: I do.Collin: When does your boyfriend leave town?Me: He leaves tomorrow.Collin: How about I see you after Mr. BF is gone.Me: Collin... he is NOT my bf.Collin: Whate
Where am I? Ugh, my head. Oh right, I crashed at Collin's house. Oh my gosh, I... CRASHED...AT...COLLIN'S HOUSE...Why do I do this to myself?I decided to find a new outfit. The dresser appears to have an outfit laid out for me. It's a sundress and leggings.Okay, I hate dresses. But its clothes and I can work with them. At least they come with leggings.I walk downstairs and feel like an idiot. My eyes find Collin's light green ones. I catch my breath. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm supposed to be sad about Chad leaving."I see you found a new outfit. My mom laid it out for you," Collin says.Does his mom know I'm here? Shit."What did you tell her?" I ask."That you were studying at the tavern too late and needed a place to crash," Collin says."I don't know what to say," I reply."How about thank you," he says. He comes over to me and pulls down my jaw with his hand."It's easy. Thank...you," he repeats, moving my jaw up and down to get me to say his words back to him.But I'm
I head back into my house. Luckily, it's early in the morning, and I can change into an outfit that is more me. The smell of coffee is coming from the kitchen. I grab a mug, and as I'm turning around, I see my dad. He smiles, that big smile of his."Good morning, dad," I say."Hi, Natalie. Your mom explained everything to me. I'm not buying it. Who is that boy? And what does he want with you?" My dad asks like he's a member of the British Royal Guard."It's fine, dad. It's Collin Abernathy, from grade school. We've been catching up this week. I was lost last night, and he found me. His family took me in for the night, and I'm back safely," I tell him half the truth. I can't admit I was drunk last night."What does Chad have to say about Collin?" Dad asks."Is this a police investigation? Well, I guess you were gone a long time. Sorry, dad. To catch you up, I dumped Chad. He is moving to New York. I had a job interview at Penna Bakery. I start this weekend as a cashier," I say."Okay,
Thursday is over. One more day and the weekend will be here. We leave Aunt Tara's house. I don't want to go home; knowing the divorce is coming is utter hell.The hell of tomorrow hangs over my head. I need to hear my dad out, but I would rather hang with Collin and get lost in the woods.I text Collin. I need to tell him the truth. I know he hasn't seen me since grade school. But I don't want to restart our friendship with lies.Me: Hi Collin....bad newsCollin: What's up?Me: I can't hang tomorrow.Collin: It's not a date, remember?Me: I can't... Going to dinner with my dad.Collin: Cancel?Me: Can't he's going to tell me about... personal shit.Collin: Like?Me: My parents are getting a divorce.I hit send. Seeing that written in a text message makes me sick. Were my parents not trying hard enough? They loved each other once; maybe they still could. Should I try to convince my dad otherwise at dinner?I don't want to be a broken family. I know we already are, given Sammy is my hal