After the interaction

After the interaction with Miles – one more strand of loss in my personal Gordian Knot – I lost my taste for any further drinking and went back upstairs.

Ryan was already in bed. As soon as I came in, he rolled over. “Hey.”

“Hey,” I said as I sat down on the edge.

We stayed in uncomfortable silence for awhile.

“I still want to be with you,” I said quietly.

A long pause.

“…but…” he said, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“I don’t know. I’m… I’m…”

I started to cry. Not out of any attempt to get out of the discussion, but because I was so tired. And so worn down. And so unhappy about hurting so many people – including myself.

Ryan is nothing if not a softie. He lay there for a few seconds listening to me, then stretched out his hand. “Come here.”

I sniffled and crawled across the covers until I was nestled against his bare chest.

“I want to be with you,” I whispered.

“Are you absolutely sure that’s what you want?”

I nodded ‘yes,’ because I wasn’t entirely sure I could convince him with