I sift through my memories, and when I see the place I end up in, I let out a big sigh. Of all the places to end up in, it’s 13-year-old Viktor’s memories.
A loud crash from downstairs woke me from my sleep, and when I opened my eyes, and strained my ears. I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or not.
I’ve always been the cautious one out of my brothers; the ‘think first, act later’ type. Konstantin always mocked me for this, but then again, he’s the hot-headed one. So, me being me, I got out of bed to make sure it truly was a dream.
We usually live in the mansion at the estate, but because of Kai’s ceremony that night, our parents had us sleeping here at the penthouse for the evening. Back then, I wasn’t sure what the ceremony was about, but I would come to learn its importance later on.
I watched as 13-year-old Viktor cleared his throat and straightened his back before walking downstairs, then I let out a laugh at how stiff I truly looked back then. No wonder Konstantin always used to tease me so much.
Following him, I watch as he walks out onto the landing, only to crouch by the staircase banister when we hear the voices of Kai and Kon downstairs. I sit down next to him, knowing exactly what it was I had overheard.
“It’s not your fault, brother-”
“How can you say that?! I am covered in their blood, Konstantin! I’ve killed them all!”
I can literally hear my own heart beating faster when I hear my brother’s words, then he sneaks a peek through the banister and slaps a hand over his mouth. I don’t even need to look to know what 13-year-old Viktor saw, because I can still see it clear as day.
Konstantin was holding Kai; my older brother’s body was covered in blood, his long blonde hair matted with gore. I didn’t know at the time that it was my mother’s blood, or the entire coven’s… or rather, I knew, but I didn’t want to believe it.
I can feel my brother’s misery from here, and so could the younger version of me. He’s clutching his chest and tries to level his breathing, but it doesn’t seem to be working at all.
“We’ll sort this out, okay? We’ll call the Elders in Russia, we’ll tell them what happened. Maybe they’ll take this seriously now,” Konstantin tries to comfort a weeping Kai while looking shocked himself. “Let's get you cleaned up, okay? We can speak about this tomorrow.”
Somehow, seeing my usually stoic brother broken like this makes my heart break for him. The absolute guilt he must have felt at this moment, and still continued to feel. We never went back to the mansion after this, and I completely understand Kai’s decision not to go back.
Thirteen-year-old Viktor sees them walking towards the staircase and scurries to get back in bed, but in his rush to get away, he doesn't see the dark shadow slinking around the corner towards his brother’s room.
The witch targeted Dimitri from a young age; it seems. I wonder what made her decide to go with Dimitri and not our more vulnerable younger brother, Nikolai. But then again, Nikolai has the Volkov temper - whatever parasite was implanted in Dimitri would have wreaked havoc in Nikolai.
I sigh and follow my younger self into the bedroom where he’s gotten into bed. He’s staring up at the ceiling with tears glistening in his eyes as he replays the conversation he’s just heard.
My eyes grow wide when I see my younger self placing his palms over his eyes and crying silently, then he says something I don’t ever recall myself saying.
“Please…please let me help my brothers,” he whimpers in the dark in the miserable words of a child. “I’m too weak to do anything to help the pack, too sensitive to be of any use to anyone. Please, Xamnir, please make me stronger!”
My mouth is hanging open as I watch him beg for our Wolf God to help him, but knowing what I know about our God now, there is no way he would lend his power to a young boy struggling with an internal battle.
It hurts to look at myself like this, weak and fighting my own mind. Thirteen was around the time I started to struggle with my sexuality, not knowing what I liked and what I was supposed to like.
Konstantin was always bringing girls from the pack school back to the forest behind the mansion, and Dimitri had a crush on his best friend, Zofia. Even Nikolai was a little ladies’ man at grade school.
But me? I never looked at girls in that way. When I found one of Konstantin’s dirty magazines and he gloated about the ‘jugs on this one’ while pointing to the centerfold, I didn’t find it alluring.
I wondered if there was something wrong with me because none of my brothers seemed to be struggling with this. Kai wasn’t exactly around much; he was training in Russia with my father. I always wanted to speak to him about it, because he seemed to be the only one of my brothers who I could trust at the time.
I didn’t know what it meant to be queer; I didn’t even know it was a thing until I turned sixteen and I had my Mate Bond Sighting click with the boy who was my best friend. Although we both initially fought the Mate Bond, neither of us wanted to reject the other.
Ilya was my safe space; he understood me and didn’t judge me when I came out to him about my feelings. He admitted that he felt confused at times too, but couldn’t act on it since he and Vanya are the only ones left of their pack and he needs to carry on their name.
It hadn’t occurred to me at the time that Ilya and Vanya never grew up in the pack. I think all of us somehow forgot that they were outsiders initially. But I do remember now how Dimitri brought them to Kai after “finding them outside the pack gates.”
Younger me falls asleep while crying, his tear-streaked cheeks glistening in the star-shaped fairy lights above the bed. I’m about to leave and head to another memory when I see an amber light in the distance.
I step back towards the door, watching the scene in front of me with wide eyes: Goddess Tiarin is in my bedroom. She walks towards the younger me and strokes my hair while looking sad.
“Being sensitive isn’t a weakness, my dear Viktor; sometimes it can be a gift,” she says before leaning down and kissing my forehead. “You’re important to your brother’s future; use your time well.”
A bright, warm light envelops the bedroom, and as soon as the Goddess appears, she’s gone. No wonder I don’t remember this moment…The Goddess blessed me with a gift I prayed for.
When the bright light disappears, I find myself still in my bedroom, but this time I lined my shelves with thick books, there are accounting papers and textbooks all over my desk and my room is incredibly neat.From the old Nokia cell phone laying on top of my textbooks, I chuckle as I remember this phase of my life - Boring Viktor. I was a stickler for rules, never bending them for anyone, and had finished high school the day before I turned sixteen. My uncle, Dominik, advised me to go in the accounting direction since it would be an asset to the Bratva side of our family. I didn’t mind since crunching numbers was quite easy for me and I enjoyed it.But as I watch myself pace the floor in worry, I realize that it’s the day before I turned sixteen - the day before my Mate Bond Sighting clicked. “Why bring me here?!” I exclaim, but of course, no one answers me. The last thing I want to see is the look on my face when I see Ilya or the way he faked his feelings for me.I sigh and sit
When I blink again, I notice that I’m in the forest behind the Volkov mansion. In the distance I can see lit torches and chanting; someone walks past me and I see sixteen-year-old Viktor following close behind his brothers Kon and Dimitri.We’re all dressed in black cargo shorts and no t-shirts while wearing somber expressions.I swallow hard, knowing what’s happening tonight and the backlash it caused. Kai’s becoming Alpha and naming Kon as his Beta, Dimitri as his Gamma and me as his Delta. He mentioned naming Nikolai the Epsilon when he comes of age, too. This is where the rift with Dominik truly started because he expected to be named Beta, not Kon.I follow them and lean against a tree to get a better view of everyone gathered here. My brothers, Dominik, three members of the council back home, and the newly formed BloodCrest witches.The blind witch, Kaede, is about Kai’s age here; she left with Kai and Kon for Russia under training to take over from our deceased parents. It’s a
I find myself walking into Kon’s club, Fang, and suck in a breath when I see my brothers as I remember them. Kai and Kon are covered in tattoos, they’ve bulked up incredibly and are laughing like they used to. I watch the door as 20-year-old Viktor walks in with a stack of envelopes. “We’ve been granted the spaces - the strip will be under complete Volkov control,” he says as he hands the papers over to Kai, who grins.“It’s about fucking time,” he says, opening the envelopes and looking up at me. “Good job, Viktor. You know one of these will be yours, right?”Younger me blanches. “What? I don’t know anything about running a nightclub, Kai,” he says, looking to Kon for help but my brother only shrugs his shoulders. “Apparently we’re all getting a club, even Nikolai when he’s old enough,” Kon says, grabbing one of the envelopes to open and look at.I remember fighting with Kai not to place the responsibility on me, but he was adamant I would do well. I hated being relied upon, think
When the light clears from my eyes, I thought I would be in another memory but I found myself back in what I call The Other. Only this time, things were different…this time there was no darkness surrounding me. Instead, it was as if I was in a wall of one-way mirrors.And I am currently seeing Caterina curled up in bed, crying. “Why am I seeing this? It’s no memory of mine!” I call out, only to be ignored again. This isn’t the first time I am questioning the Goddess and her decisions, and I doubt this is the last time. I swipe a hand over my face and breathe out a sigh before facing the weeping mess of a woman I grew so close to in such a short amount of time. She’s alone in what seems like Kai’s bedroom and she’s curled up in the fetal position, whimpering. My heart constricts as I can feel her absolute misery from here. Why is she crying? What happened? I can’t enter her space, it seems, so I’m just watching from what seems like the other side of a window. The bedroom door opens
“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!” I cry out, just as I’m dropped into another memory and stumble, falling onto my ass. “You cannot keep on doing this to me! What was the purpose of showing me how my brother was being tortured?!”But even as I say these words, I know the Goddess showed me that vision to let me know Nikolai wasn’t dead. Why show me how he lost himself, though? What was the point of that?I grit my teeth and push down my anger, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath so I can focus on where the hell the Goddess decided to drop me now - Volkov Forest. It’s dark, and above me, I can see a full moon just after it’s done its crest. Swallowing deeply at the sounds of absolute rapture echoing through the trees, I know exactly where she’s brought me. I scoff as it occurs to me that Goddess Tiarin must love to see me suffer. I step into the clearing and watch the two figures lost in each other; slick skin and moans of ecstasy and groans of painful pleasure are like a silver dagger t
I sigh as the Goddess drops me into another memory for some or other fucking reason and blanch when I see Kai exactly as I remember him - long blonde hair, more tattoos, built like a tank, and angry. We’re in his office at Fang, the one separate from Kon’s. It’s just me and Konstantin present, and we look at each other while my brother seems to be slowly losing his mind.He’s pacing the floor and rakes his fingers through his hair. “I am nearly 35 years old and have not met her yet; the pack will start to think our God did not bless me with a mate,” he says. My eyes widen as I remember this moment; Kai freaking out because he hadn’t met his mate yet. He was never one for having a Luna but knew he’d need one to rule properly. Our mother was the Alpha and my father was the Alpha-Consort, so we grew up with an entirely different dynamic.It also reminded me that this took place about two years before I died.“Have you considered going to Kaede for help in tracking your mate?” I ask, th
“You are cruel,” I mutter, knowing she can hear me even if she chooses not to respond. I sit down on my ass and brace my elbows on my knees, watching fucking Vanya walk into her penthouse. She goes into her bedroom and closes the door, her stoic expression not falling. “The pawn killed two birds with one stone,” she says, throwing her coat on the bed. “He caused a distraction and killed Ilya’s mate.” A chuckling figure walks out of the shadows towards her. “Splendid, perhaps now our brother will remember the reason we came here,” he says and I swear if I didn’t sit down, I would have fallen down. This person looks exactly like Ilya; except he has a shaved head with tattoos all over his face and arms. He said ‘our brother,’ so I’m guessing this must be Alyosha. “Hm, but it seems Ilya truly loved his mate; it will take a while for him to remember our mission,” Vanya says as she kicks off her shoes. “To be honest, I doubt he’ll ever get over Viktor.” For Vanya to say something like t
“So this means I’m stuck here longer, then,” I say, sitting down on my ass while watching the bane of my past existence walking up to the red-haired witch, Marle. I still don’t understand why I’m here or what Goddess Tiarin wants from me, but I guess I’ll see. “Mistress,” Vanya says, bowing low when she comes to a stop in front of the witch. “Alyosha has set everything in motion for the ritual to take place.” “Thank you, Vanya; this pleases me immensely,” she says, stroking Vanya’s cheek. Vanya smiles coyly, but then a look of shame crosses her eyes. “Unfortunately, I can’t be close to the pack anymore since Ilya died at Kai’s hand. So I am uncertain how we’ll know what they’re planning for us.” At this, Marle chuckles lightly. “Oh, there’s no need to worry, love. Why do you think I am here? The council has chosen me to be the new BloodCrest witch,” she says with glee, while Vanya tries and fails to keep her shock at bay. This is where everything started going downhill; Dimitri,