Charlie and I had gone to Gulf Shores for a quick honeymoon. We enjoyed the beach for a couple of days and then came back in time to make my first appointment with the specialist. It was the first ultrasound, and the doctor wanted to get it done to figure out just how far along I was. My best guess was about twelve weeks, but with all the risk factors involved, Dr. Nesbit wanted as exact a date as we could get. I hated that I was subjecting myself to more doctors' offices and appointments, but at least this had a prize at the end. A nurse had led us into an exam room and instructed me to hop onto the exam table. I wasn't going to be doing any hopping, but with a little effort and Charlie's help, I got situated just before the ultrasound tech came in. She dimmed the lights and introduced herself. "I'm Amy. It's nice to meet you." She had me lift my shirt and then tucked a paper sheet into the waistband of my pants and draped the remainder of the paper down my legs.
I stared at him, not knowing what to say. I was terrified before we'd walked into that exam room. I worried every day that I'd made the wrong decision, but I'd kept the faith that God would take care of me-of us. I tried to block out the possibility of what dying really meant or what kind of burden being paralyzed would place on Charlie, especially with an infant. That had been with the notion of one baby. I couldn't fathom or even conceive of what kind of drain I would be to Charlie if I survived. There was no way one man could take care of a wife and two babies and a farm on his own. "I don't know what to do, Charlie." My voice sounded as broken as I felt. He shifted in the seat and took my face in his hands. Green started to ebb its way into the brown the longer I stared into my husband's eyes. "Baby, think about the strain this is going to put on your body. I didn't want you to take the risk with one-but two? It's just not worth..." He was losing his composure.
The number was typed in, and I held the phone between both hands. Each time the screen dimmed, I'd touch it to bring it back to life, but I'd yet to press call. I'd battled this war in my mind non-stop since we'd left Dr. Nesbit's office. The only part of me that wanted to do this was the part of me that wanted to live. The rest of me argued vehemently with myself. Death terrified me almost as bad as living a life without mobility. Charlie was right. I knew he was right. Everything he had said, sitting in the parking lot at the doctor's office was spot on. But that didn't stop the images of two heads and two little spines popping into my mind. Prior to the ultrasound, the pregnancy was a notion-it wasn't a child. Now it wasn't just a child; it was two. They were very real and very much alive inside me. But as soon as I'd resigned myself to telling Charlie I couldn't go through with it, I thought about what it would be like for them not to have a mother. I knew that pain
Charlie had remained relatively quiet for the last two days. We both knew nothing would ever be the same, yet we weren't talking about it. Neither of us admitted it out loud. Now, walking into Dr. Nesbit's surgery center, the wound had festered until puss poured from it. It was infected, and it had the power to kill us. I kept trying to tell myself that this would all start to go away once we got through today, but it was a lie. Nothing would ever right this decision. The wrong could never be undone. He had held my hand as we made it through the parking lot. It was still dark out, and dew glistened on the flowers near the door. I'd managed to get the first appointment of the day, and while this wasn't an abortion clinic, I was worried that everyone would know why we were here. My shame was amplified by the cover of night, and the drops of water on the grass only reminded me of things that were made anew...every day. If only I had faith the size of a mustard seed... I sighed an
Not once in my life had I ever experienced rage so strong that I had to force myself to keep my mouth shut and then isolate myself to temper it. But that was exactly what I'd felt driving back from Dr. Nesbit's office. I forced myself to drive the speed limit. I refused to let a word slip passed my lips because nothing I said would be nice much less loving, comforting, or supportive. Sarah was being reckless and irrational, and I'd be damned if I could keep from telling her just how selfish I believed her actions to be. So, when we'd gotten home, I left her in the living room and made my way to our bedroom. While she thought she was doing the noble thing, she hadn't considered what life for those kids would be like without her. I'd resent the hell out of them for taking her from me. It might be a dick move, but it was the truth. She hadn't thought about us at all in making her decision, only her guilt. Sarah wasn't the one who'd be left to clean up the mess she could leave beh
"No offense, Charlie." When Austin spoke like that, I knew we were about to fight, and when guys fought, it resulted in punches being thrown not just insults. My little brother had bulked up in recent weeks with all the work he did at Cross Acres, but I still had a solid two inches, twenty pounds, and six years on him. I had been in the process of pulling a shard of metal from the thick rubber of my work boots. I didn't know how it had gotten there; I only knew it pissed me off every time I took a step, and if I weren't careful, it would find its way into my heel. I looked up at him from where I sat when he spoke but didn't say anything in return. I just wrenched the pliers I held and tugged on the boot again. Austin sat down at the table. "When are you going back?" I finally yanked the damn shard free from my shoe and tossed the pliers onto my parents' kitchen table. Then I stared at the hole left in my boot like it held some significance. "I don't know what
I knew pregnancy was going to have a lot of ups and downs, but no one was really good at telling me what to expect. I was having large and small complications, not to mention continued insurance issues that I finally gave up on and took to Daddy. He swore he'd get it taken care of and that he'd gotten behind on payments while I was hospitalized. The next time we'd gone to Dr. Nesbit's office, Daddy told me it had all been handled, and when I called Megan, she confirmed that the bills were taken care of. I had come close to getting mastitis. One of my milk ducts became blocked, but it formed a cyst on the side of my breast instead, which eventually drained and left behind a painful mark that was deep enough to scar. And as the doctors had predicted, the further along I got, the more strain the additional weight put on my spine. Everything I'd been warned about plagued me, but it was the ongoing blood pressure issues that had raised the red flags and set off all the warning bell
"Charlie..." I tried to keep the panic out of my voice, but I could feel the sticky moisture on my thighs and under my bottom. My voice climbed with every passing second and syllable out of my mouth. "Charlie!" Charlie stirred in the bed next to me, but he hadn't fully woken up. I had my hand resting firmly on my stomach, but each wave of pain brought tears to my eyes. I didn't want to press too hard because it hurt, but as I cradled my belly in my hands, I worried that if I let go, my insides would come falling out. My head was pounding, I couldn't catch my breath, and I would have sworn someone had sliced me open and the babies were going to deliver themselves. The third time I called his name, Charlie's eyes fluttered open and then suddenly became alert. "What's wrong?" He sat up, now wild-eyed, searching my face and reaching for me. "Sarah?" He threw back the bedspread and then turned on the lamp. His ruffled hair fell into his face, and I noticed his cheek was re