Dane lets me hold onto his arm and wrist as I slide from behind him on that thundering torpedo he calls a bike. Thanking the powers above, we got here in one piece. My legs are a little Bambi on ice, given I have just been through the most exhilarating yet frightening journey of my life and was only finally starting to get used to it when we arrived.“How was it? Still think it’s a deathtrap?” Dane Smirks, sliding my visor up for me after hauling off his helmet and ruffling his hair back to its chaotic sexy before leaning in to help me with the strap of mine which I’m already fumbling with. I stay still while he unclips it under my chin with practiced hands, staring at how handsome he looks when focused on doing so.“Verdict is still out, although, for the last ten minutes, I didn’t feel like I was clinging on for dear life or about to have a stroke. It sort of got okay.” I point out, unable to admit that after I got used to how to mold to him as we turned and moved and that the speed
“Can you even do that?... Stay out of trouble, I mean?” I ask in utter seriousness, given Dane, who I know is always in trouble. “I have the motive to learn….after tying myself to the school good girl for the considerable future, I am in very real danger of becoming single otherwise, and I am only discovering the joys of a girlfriend. I have to learn fast how to behave.” He jests, loosening his hold to slide his hand back down to mine to return to our previous position to tug me towards the water. “As long as you remember, the goal is you being a better human and student and not corrupting me.” I point out, sass returning now my moment of doubt is passing.“Never…I happen to like you the way you are….even if I know for a fact you probably don’t even know what beer tastes like, need careful handling most of the time, and own zero sexy lingerie.”“Hey,” I slap out at him for what seems to be an insult, getting triggered by his immature chuckle as he dodges me and jumps away. Letting g
“You look tired.” Elisa slides down beside me in our first class of the day, given she told me not to wait for her this morning as she was running late. Seemingly fresh and bright-eyed this morning, I am wafted with a new subtle banana smell that has me smiling. It’s been a while since she created something new and I was starting to think Tyler had made her lose her mojo.“I didn’t get much sleep…I am so wiped out today.” I add, turning to sniff her appreciatively and grin hard when she produces a bottle right in front of my face. Small and yellow, a spray pump with a lemon liquid inside and a cutesy banana logo she obviously designed. Elisa takes great care in every part of product design.“It’s a body mist. Try it and let me know what you think. Especially how long it lasts.” Elisa settles down to unpack, satisfied with my eager nod, and I stop what I am doing to examine the little bottle, pop off the lid, and spray myself eagerly.It’s like drenching yourself in the best parts of a
“You’re mad? Upset? Is it because of Maria? Nothing is happening there…. I told you not to take anything to heart that happens at school. We’re just being who we normally are. You are the girl I like and want. Nothing changes that. Xxx”His words break me down further, a wave of real, heartfelt tears at my foolishness drowning me. It’s like he found exactly the right words to catch the free-running, insecure bunny in my chest and pushed it back down its dark hole.Dane being so sweet and trying to soothe me from afar has me all kinds of messed up, and I wallow in shame and hurt, allowing myself a few seconds to cry.Even while gulping down stilted sobs and sniffing to control the worst of my breakdown, I try to type some coherent response, knowing for sure now I am being dumb. Desperate to explain to him because now he feels guilty for me being an idiot.“You called her Babe…. Yesterday you….. I start typing, then stop myself and genuinely pause, halting the flow of tears to ask myse
Balling a fist in my mouth to stifle a yawn and arching my back to get the creaks out from being hunched over for an hour in chemistry, I head down the hall with the last bell ringing overhead. Elisa left early for her dental today, so as kids woosh past me, chaotically escaping the building, I head down the lesser-used back hall. I’m too tired for the after-bell pushing and need some quiet time to get home and maybe take a night off.I have the shelter today, but I’m not feeling it and seriously think for the first time in forever, I might call in sick, get into bed with snacks and binge on a Netflix show. I’m emotionally and physically spent, and today, after the whole ‘Babe’ drama has me feeling dead.This is the stairwell I used the day Dane hauled me into the cleaner’s cupboard, but I know he won’t be lurking today. I’ve seen him off and on after this morning’s weird episode and we were better. Normal. His last class was one we don’t share today, and he's probably already out on
I am making myself feel sick with the churning over of this and pat myself down for my cell to text Elisa. Not that she will know what to do and might even be in her dental appointment. She was having her braces adjusted today. I just need someone to calm me down and distract me from these overwhelming thoughts.A tap on my passenger door scares the crap out of me, and I jump as my heart punches into my throat. Almost choking me. Scaring me half to death before it’s yanked open and Dane slides in, coolly, looking and acting like this is nothing more than a casual hello.“I wasn't sure you would wait, given how mad you seemed.” He brushes off the electrifying mood he just walked into with an airy statement that gets me screwing my eye up at him. At his unbotheredness.Is he really this bare-faced?I stare at him, aware my face is cold, meaning I'm probably unnaturally pale due to the blood draining down to my toes, and I know I have a glassy shine to my eyes like I might cry. I can fee
I stare at him in stunned quiet for a long moment, seeing Dane with fresh eyes. Trying to piece together the things he said and if they were true. Taking in that infuriating ‘ I don’t give a shit’ shrug and seeing that Dane is still Dane. He does not care about the heaviness of what he said or that protecting someone he wasn't even friends with was heroic. Deep down, he has always been that boy I thought was lost to me…staring me in the face in plain sight, even behind that mask of an asshole.“So today?” I finally manage to push out, my heart aching and swelling with a different kind of pain. Truly needing to understand what I saw if it was all a façade and he never did anything with her. What were they talking about?“She’s grateful. She wanted to tell me so… That’s all it was. A thank you for being a good guy and a promise not to ruin my street cred by telling people I was nice.” Dane shrugs again like it is nothing to him but a mere inconvenience, yet my brain is twisting and chur
“Yeah, that was the goal…. Piss off my dad, your mom….make you hate me and stay away. I got caught in the act and got used to being that guy that I never thought to clarify, but the babe thing made me realize we should probably talk about this…. Set some things straight.”“So, was all of it an act? The tattoos, the piercings, the clothes…the bike…is any of that real? Or was it all just to get at us?” I'm suddenly woeful, and yet what's even more confusing is the broken pain in my heart that feels like grieving someone. Maybe the whole sex thing is a relief, but the rest of it…the Dane I thought I hated, if it’s all fake, then who is he now? “Do I even know you?”“No…. It’s not an act. Yeah, some of it was rebellion, but it’s who I was comfy as. I dunno….. it's hard to pull out the parts that were deliberate gunshots aimed at my dad’s heart. I wasn't going out of my way to be that person. I just let rumors circulate and didn’t care about defending myself.”“Is that why you have stopped
“Mom is running late today?” I point out while packing away Bryan’s dishes from lunch. Slightly irritated by it. Eyes on the clock as I don’t want a repeat of yesterday and running into that jerk and his shadow again. I have decided that for my own mental state Dane is right and we should not intend to ever cross paths. Seeing him causes more harm than good and it reminds me everytime that I am no further forward in getting over him.My day, after seeing him, always goes to shit, and my ongoing crappy insomnia is so much worse now we are under the same sky. I might never sleep again. I’m just so emotionally exhausted by all of this and wish I could fall asleep and wake up when I am over it.“She’s been tired, maybe just on slow-mo. She should take more time to relax.”“Well she better hurry up as they are taking you for your scans and assessment in about five minutes. She’s normally here by now.” Not to mention Dane is due in twenty and I wanted to be long gone.“You don’t need to sta
Hearing Bryan about to out me is all the push I need, not wanting it to seem like I am hiding, and I yank the curtain back to reveal myself. Plastering on a blank expression cool manner and lift my chin a little higher. Eyes straight to Bryan to ensure I don’t stray their way completely, blanking the two figures lingering closely near his bed.Seeing them in my peripheral is enough. The sickening lurch of pain reminds me that it never goes away, even when I stop noticing it as much.“All done and tidy. My mom won’t moan about me putting them in the wrong place.”I catch the slight movement of surprise out of the corner of my eye and the way Hannah slides back to hide behind Dane at seeing me appear. Dane’s head had jerked my way before he quickly averted it, and I caught the subtle gasp from one of them.“Um…Hi, Kayla. You look pretty.” Hannah whimpers like some terrified child who has just come face to face with the grumpy old witch of the village. Fake compliments to try and befrien
“Lunch is served.” I smile brightly as I unpack Monique's food onto Bryan’s bed tray and set them out like a gourmet restaurant, napkins, and fresh cutlery included. Monique has it in her head that despite the hospital supplying him with meals, he will never get better if it’s not her cooking. So it’s my unofficial job to deliver three meals a day.“This looks delicious, thank Monique from the bottom of my heart. Tell her I can feel the effects already. You all spoil me.” Bryan shifts to pull himself higher in his upright position, looking better today with more color on his face. Day by day, a return slowly of the man we love and know so well.I can admit that now he seems more like his old self. That sense of heavy dread weighing on my heart every second has lessened somewhat. He is one less stress for me, one less tragedy of my life. I guess having a truce with my mom is second. We may not be okay by a long run, but not having to spit venom at her any time she gets close has been
His eyes lock on mine for a millisecond, registering shock at my presence, halting him to a sudden stop. He averts them to his feet, shuffling slightly backward to block the doorway with his arms outstretched, but whoever is behind him that he’s attempting to hinder shunts him forward with an ouch as they hit him. He doesn’t do a good job of stopping them from getting in.“Ouch…why did you stop? Why are you blocking me?” It’s a young feminine voice, and she slides under his arm and past him, giving him a weirdly confused glance as though questioning the sudden statue-like posture in the open doorway. I catch it from her side view, growing insanely jealous as she places a hand on his arm to bring it down from the door frame.Molten lava spikes in my belly at her very handsy motions.It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that this teen girl dressed in a similar preppy, neat, and almost upper-class style with a sleek ponytail and fresh face is Hannah. Her color scheme seems to de
“I’ll go to the pharmacy for some toiletries and bits and pieces while Bryan sleeps. You head off home for now, and I’ll see you this evening.” My mom is up and tidying Bryan’s new private room after we settled him in here, and now I am getting the strong vibes she wants me to leave. I know it’s because Dane is coming. I overheard Mom and Bryan earlier saying Dane would come around eleven after he was on a ward, and it’s almost that time. My mom thinks she’s being sly about the hints that I should go home for lunch but I am not leaving until I at least see him once. I want that face-to-face, that moment of closure.To see the person who vanished from my life so I can put a lid on what we were. I guess a part of me wants to see for myself if he has suffered, too. Because I will know by looking at him, I will be able to tell with one encounter whether he even missed me a little bit. I need it to quieten to anger in my head and the ache in my heart.Just once. Even if we say nothing to o
I’m so groggy when I wake up after finally passing out when I got home. I have no idea what time it is or what day it is, yet my bedroom is oddly bright. Last night at the hospital feels like a distant dream, and as I toss and turn to get myself out of bed, I catch sight of my alarm clock and pause in a shocked gasp.It’s four pm.I have slept for almost twelve hours. I have no idea how I even did that and Bryan will wonder why no one is there for his waking up. He probably woke up already.“What the fuck?” I shoot up, almost falling off the edge of my bed in sleepy clumsiness, aware that visiting at the hospital is at nine am, and I was sure I had set my reminder to wake me up. I don’t know if I slept through it or if, in my stupor last night, I didn’t save the timer.“Mom!!” I race into the hall, stumbling and banging into the wall because despite my energetic, alert wake-up, my body has yet to catch up. Calling frantically to rouse her, too, as I know she will kick herself for bein
“Here, drink something.” Tyler's gentle coaxing as he presses a warm cup into my hand snaps me out of my zombie state of staring at the blank hospital wall, and I blink back into reality. I wasn't even aware I was zoned out on another plain, as I don’t recall any thoughts. I don’t even know how long I was sitting immobile like this, unaware of the people around me.He's crouching in front of me, assessing my mental state, appearance, and expression and nods off towards my mom and Monique in the chairs across the room where they are now silent. My mom had been crying for the first hour here, but it seems she, too, has hit the silent numb. Waiting endlessly like we are. My mom looks shellshocked, pale, and lifeless as Monique cradles her in like she’s the child in this. Sitting a few feet away because of a gap in the chair layout.I wouldn’t expect anything else from my mom. I have always parented myself. Whenever I needed someone to lean on, it was him we should not name.“You all look
I don’t know what brought me in here or even remember walking in or climbing the stairs. But as Dane’s old room stretches out emptily in front of me, I spot the discarded hoody on the bare mattress where I threw it and idle slowly to retrieve it. It seems symbolic, lying here.An unloved, unwanted heap of fabric, left in here to exist alone in the nothingness of what he left behind.The hoody is me.Pulling it into my lap as I slide my butt onto the edge of the mattress with more effort than warranted, given I feel dead on my feet. Scanning the walls and furniture and the sheer emptiness of this room without anything of his. A naked shell, a box without personality. Everything is gone just like he is, and it fills me with a deeper, darker ache all the way down to my toes. Every day, a new wave of confusing feelings comes at me, always different from the one before, and each time, I am no more prepared to navigate it.I guess it’s like going through the steps of grief, and I am finally
“Are you sure it’s okay? Your mom won’t mind, given the weird atmosphere?” Elise looks borderline terrified as I lead her into the house after school and shrug it off. Not caring one iota if my mom minds. It’s been weeks since I had my friend home for dinner, and I want to get some sense of normal back in my life while it’s still in self-destruct mode.Home feels weirdly warm and inviting today as the delicious smells of baking bread hit us in the face as we yank off our school jackets and kick off our shoes. I guess Monique is in the mood to spend the afternoon in the kitchen, and I thank her mentally for the years she always made this fele like home. Her small touches, her constant presence, and today, the smell of her pouring love into our food has been the only thing to comfort me lately.“Kayla, you’re home. Elise…are you staying for dinner?” I don’t get to answer as my mom appears in the hallway as though she’s been waiting for the door to open and answers for me. She is seeming