Walking back to the bed, I open the drawer, pulling out the pills I take my daily dose. I don’t know why, though. They don’t help. Every now and then, I feel amazing, joking, laughing, yet inside I am dying, and I can’t keep fighting it. I shouldn’t be alone tonight, but I don’t want to pull the guys away from their families. I shouldn’t do that so close to us leaving.
Looking around this house, I wonder if all the decisions I made these last ten years were right. How did I go from smiling with Alena within my mind to now having nothing but darkness and scary thoughts, dark, melancholy plaguing my mind and trying to make me do something I shouldn’t?
I look at our wedding photo. I can’t do that to Maria. No matter how down I am feeling, I can’t do that to her. I still remember the last time, waking up in the hospital, her by my side, her face broken, soaked from tears because I was selfish, trying to take the coward's way out.
Her words are still loud in my mind.
“Do I mean so little to you? Do you really love me so little you would do this; you would leave me alone wondering why you hate yourself so much that you couldn’t even fight and stay for me?” I had hurt her more than anyone in her life ever has, and all because I could not fight those demons within my own mind.
I feel like hiding away, yet I also feel like I should be around people. My brothers are always there for me when I feel like this. I don’t want to burden them so close to the mission though, I need to sort my head out before then, without bringing them down with me.
Sitting on the bed, hours passing me by while I just watch the world pass around me, wishing this life didn’t exist, this is my way of being free. I can just sit here and pretend this isn’t life, this isn’t me, and none of this is real, a dream I am sure I will wake up from sooner or later.
Night-time is here, and the room getting darker. Closing my eyes, I fall asleep. I will just stay here, hidden away until Maria gets home. Waking up, it is bright. Ignoring the clock. I roll over and close my eyes, forcing myself to fall asleep, to rid my mind of these demons that plague me and want to kill me.
The feeling of the bed moving wakes me, Maria is sitting next to me looking worried. I was hoping I would be feeling better when she got back, but apparently not. Smiling, I act like I am fine. It is all I can do anyway.
“So, did dickhead remember to please my pussy?” I look at her, laughing. She shakes her head, clearly not fooled by my jokes. She is one of the only ones who can see straight through me to the truth.
“Have you really stayed in this bed for over twenty-four hours, Marcus? Don’t joke. I am not stupid. Why would you not tell me how you felt when I asked you last night? You know I wouldn’t have left you if you did.” She is concerned, I knew she was, and my jokes made no difference in changing that.
“I won’t spoil your night because of my mind, I love you, Maria, and I don’t want you to stop what you do to come to make me feel better.” Pulling her to me, I kiss her, her arms unfastening my shirt slowly, her lips kissing my neck. Was I a fool for not wanting just her? Looking at her now, I feel like I was. I should have been happy and let my past go.
“Come on, staying in bed won’t help Marcus. Get up, and I will cook. You need to eat.” She tries pulling me up, my weight too much for her to move. Looking at her, I realise now how lucky I am to have her. Can things change? Can I tell her I don’t want to share? I know I can’t now.
If I do, she will think it is because I don’t have Rebecca, but I will soon. I will tell her I love her too much to share her. She gets off the bed, stands next to it, sitting up quickly, my arms wrap around her legs, cuddling into her.
“I love you.” I kiss her legs, she slowly kneels, kissing me. My hands unbutton her shirt. The need for her is so strong. Her hands are stopping me as she fastens her shirt up.
“Food first, Marcus.” Getting up, I follow her downstairs, sitting at the kitchen table. My mind closes off, my eyes on her, yet I am looking straight through her, into nothingness, just the darkness that is within my mind. I need to let it control me now and get it out of my system for the mission.
I know I can hide from it, but I don’t want it to hit while I’m holding the gun. The plate is put down in front of me, sitting I eat, her eyes watching me. I can see she is scared, scared I will try to end this life again. I wish I could tell her I won’t, but I can’t promise that. I can only try and live for her.
“Are you taking all your pills, Marcus? Every day?” Looking at her, I nod. I am why though I don’t know. “Then maybe you need to go back and get help, change the drugs you are on, something?” Looking at her, I know she is right, but if I do that, I lose one of the things I love most in this life, and I don’t want to lose it.
“If I do that, I will be deemed unfit to go on missions. I am not giving up that part of me. It is one of the things that bring me pleasure. Losing that will only make it worse.” Looking at her, she has tears in her eyes. I hate myself and my mind for putting her through this.
“I will be fine. Let’s eat and go out, somewhere just us two. Where do you want to go?” Her perfect face scares me. I need to try and do this. I need to not hide it but work around the thoughts. I need to live the life with her she wants.
“Well, why don’t we book the cottage we normally go to until the day you leave?” Thinking about it, I think that will be a good idea, to get away from here and everything else.
“Why not? I will go and start packing.” Smiling, I stand up, pulling her to me. I kiss her, my hand stroking across her back, slowly kissing down her neck, the feel of my cock hardening just from her hand stroking through my hair.
I need her now, not later. My hand begins unfastening her shirt, my hands moving down, lifting her up, her back against the wall, as my mouth keeps kissing. My hand is pulling her dress up, moaning against her neck.“Marcus, not here.” Her words stop me, why can she never just let loose, stop thinking sex is only for the bed, looking at her, I push my lips against hers, her moan quiet, I will carry her to bed if I have to, but I would rather just fuck her here and now.Why does everything have to be planned? Why do I have to be in bed?“Just once, just this once, please.” Looking at her, I wait. My lips pressing against her neck, her touch so soft and delicate, nothing like any other woman I have witnessed. She doesn’t pull me to her, she doesn’t go frantic for me, and she is always so calm.“Bed, please, Marcus.” She looks at me, she means it, yet I don’t want that. I want her, but I don’t want the bed. I want something different. This is why we would never work alone. I can’t live a
Picking up the phone, I text Troy, hoping he has space for me for a few days. I can go to my apartment, but I know Rebecca will be there still.Troy replies, I know I am welcome, but I always like to ask. Driving, I meet him at the pub local to him, walking in I sit getting a drink. I should talk to Jackson about this.He at least knows what I am like. Sure, Troy knows but not like Jackson. Sitting drinking, Troy walks in, he is happy, and I am ready to burden him with my life.“Maria?” He looks at me as he sits down, ordering his own drink.“Do you ever wonder if you made the right choices at the beginning of the relationship that led to now?” I look at him my question waiting for an answer.He shakes his head. “Never mind asking me questions. What has happened?” I wish he was Jackson, Jackson would understand more, but I don’t want to pull him away from the new life he has.“I gave up Rebecca, I can’t get someone else out of my mind. Today, though, standing with Maria, she was gone,
Parking up, I unlock the door. Walking in, there she is, sitting on the sofa, walking over to her, with her collar in my hand. I only hope she takes it back. She knows my issues, but I have never done this to her. Yet, she knows my demons and knows how much I struggle in my own mind. Her eyes light up seeing the collar, walking towards me, my hands place it around her neck, her smile growing as I do. Jumping up, she wraps her legs and arms around me, my cock instantly going hard for her. My hands pull at her shirt, ripping it open. This is going to be quick, no toys, nothing but us two. Throwing her onto the sofa, my hands pull her trousers off, my lips kissing her body, the feel of her hands in my hair forcing my head down. Slowly kissing down her body, I reach her sex, my tongue teasing, licking at her entrance. She tastes so nice. My hands grab her waist, pulling her closer to my mouth, her moans getting louder. My tongue teases faster as my fingers rub against her sex, the wetn
“You okay, baby?” I stroke her back, seeing her tears. She looks up at me, smiling.“No, I am sure you could have done worse.” Of course, I could have if I had her in the playroom with my toys, the whips, the restraints, but I didn’t want any of that, just her.“So, what changed your mind? What about the other woman?”What about Alena? To be honest, after that with Maria yesterday, she has basically not entered my mind.“I had a wobble, my mind took control, but I am fine now. As for Alena, she is forgotten about. I just messed up.” My hand strokes down her body, taking in her beauty. “I am sorry, Rebecca, what I did was wrong and inexcusable” I don’t think any apology will be enough, not at all for what I put her through.“I wouldn’t have left. I am no fool, I could see you had issues, I could see you were battling with yourself, and I knew you would come back.” She is truly amazing. I am lucky. I know I am. “Plus, I wasn’t about to walk away and miss out on that. The whole, I’m sorr
Parking the car, the house looks too quiet. Walking in, I look around the fear building within me that she has left. Surely, she wouldn’t run while I am away. Checking the house, she isn’t there. Sitting down, I wait, hoping she will come home soon. Sitting here watching the time pass, I wonder if she will come home, the sound of the door alerting me she is home. I want to run to her, but I won’t. Sitting, I wait for her to come to the kitchen. Walking in, she looks at me and carries on towards the kettle turning it on.Her silence is worse than her screaming. It is like she has given up and doesn’t want to fight for us anymore.“We need to talk.” I look at her waiting for her to acknowledge that I am here. Instead, she carries on making her drink. Sitting down at the table, she looks at me. Who is she? The Maria I fell in love with seems to have changed, maybe we got married too young.“I am sorry, for everything I did, for the things I said.” I wait, sitting and looking at her. She
I can’t believe she didn’t even wake me before she left. I feel on edge today now. Why didn’t she wait to say goodbye?She isn’t at work, so she is clearly avoiding me. Parking up, I walk straight in. Stopping at the door, I stare at Rebecca.“You took your time Master, I have been waiting like this for an hour.” She is sitting there. She looks so perfect, with heels, stockings and an open-cup bra with a thong. What is she doing? I swear she is trying to break me.“What are you doing?” Closing the door, I walk towards her, trying to restrain my own mind from just fucking her here and now. She only gets what I give her, nothing more, and this is her way to make me lose control of myself and forget the rules.“Does Master not like?”I shake my head at her, trying to clear my thoughts. Looking back up, she is unfastening her bra.“What are you doing?” I look at her in shock. Why is she becoming even more naked?“You shook your head, Master, I thought that was you saying no, so I was goin
Walking upstairs, I go into the playroom. Rebecca kneels, waiting for me. Is she going to submit today, or will she wait and start being a brat? Walking around, I collect my weapons of destruction that I know she loves so much. Standing, I look at her, and I wonder why I can’t keep both. Why can’t I have her and Maria, and I know I can’t? I have to give one up, as clearly, Maria is not happy sharing. Yet, she also isn’t happy for me to give up everything I love.Walking over to her, my hand slowly sliding from one shoulder along to the other, soft and delicate, as my hands stroke down her arms, grasping her wrists and pulling her up to stand, I slowly begin wrapping the rope around her wrists. Watching as she stays still, truly submitting herself for a change, no fighting back, no being a brat, no fighting and laughing at me wanting more.It feels strange, but I still love it. She stands still, her breathing relaxed, the blindfold in place already so she can’t see me, guiding her acr
“I need to leave, kitty.” Kissing her, I roll her over. Her smile is soft and delicate.“See you in two weeks, Master.” Her hands grasp mine, pulling me to her, her lips pushing against mine as she does.“See you in two weeks, Kitty.” Climbing out of bed, she lies smiling, watching me. I walk to the shower, get cleaned up and dressed. I walk out to find her standing by the door, her hand on the door frame blocking me.“Kitty, I don’t have time for this.” Going to walk past her, she moves to step in my way. What is she doing now? She never does this.“Seriously, kitty, if I miss my flight, you will be punished, and not in a good way.” Stepping to the other side, she quickly moves to block me again. Sure, I could pick her up quickly and move her, but where would be the fun in that?“Would Master really leave unsatisfied?”I feel like rolling my eyes at her right now, but I tell her not to, so I better not. Standing, I look at her, I have twenty minutes to leave the house, and she is blo