Embarrassed! That's the only word to describe how I am feeling at this moment. My hair is sticky from the fizzy foam of Tanya's spiked lemonade. She's ruined the silver halter dress that Model Perfect had me wear. I know I saw cameras and phones landing on me at that party. My phone beeps and buzzes with the sounds of a thousand judgmental comments. I open it and my cat fight has already gone viral with the title, "Model Perfect's Imperfect Princess Accepts a Modeling Challenge While Getting Baptized by Lemonde." I read a few of the comments. "That bitch deserved a lemonade to her head." "She totally did. She didn't support Hunter or attend open auditions.""That dress would have looked better on Tanya.""Tanya is way hotter. I hope Model Perfect replaces Emma soon." "Hunter, your girlfriend is fat." On and on the comments continue. Their harsh words feel like an arrow to my heart. I am a deer who has been hit by a hunter and will soon face the end of my life or in my case my mod
Arlo takes me home. I am still wearing his clothes, his sweat pants are the most comfortable items of clothing I have been offered to wear in a really long time. Even though they are huge on me, I don't bother taking them off. My silver halter is in a plastic trash bag that Arlo hands me. It still smells like spiked lemonade. Model Perfect will take the damages out of my paycheck for the way Tanya treated this garment. He parks his car in my driveway. I don't want to leave. I want to stay in this moment with Arlo forever. Arlo's fingers are laced around mine, and even though I am technically Hunter's girlfriend I stopped dating him in my head ages ago. It's hard to be with the boy who calls me fat and thinks I am nothing but worthless meat. Hunter's anger gets the better of him, and I am too timid, shy, and scared to tell him off. Arlo isn't like that. I can be me, and be safe. Being with Arlo would be easier than being with Hunter, as far as a real relationship goes. But I am not th
The only choice I have now is to forget Arlo. It's not Arlo's fault the party went haywire and that my followers' list keeps going down in size. Do those thousands of people even know the real me? I'm starting to think no one knows who I am anymore. Rosa wanted to be my friend for fame. Now I am the slutty friend, who is shacking up with the hot camera guy from school. Popularity is like the tide, it pushes and pulls the waves back and forth to shore. The moon forces the tide to rise like my heart makes my emotions boil over. My emotions have been boiling for a while now, festering deep between the pores of my skin. Rosa was the scapegoat I needed. The pressure valve snapped and our friendship right along with it. My thoughts at this moment are to stay away from Rosa and forget we were ever friends in the first place. Perhaps our friendship was merely a facade, desperation on my part for a female friend and popularity seeking on hers. Maybe it was a doomed friendship this whole time
My neck hurts at the biopsy site. It has a heartbeat, that's tender to the touch. I keep the small bandage on it to protect it from accidental bumps. In the morning the sun dances across my blanket like it did the morning prior. I find a smoothie by my bed with a note from my ghost mom. My parents have been working night shifts and have been going on so many business trips lately, I haven't truly seen them in weeks. Now that I am eighteen, they think I am grown-up enough to be on my own. My mother made the smoothie to help with my biopsy recovery. It's tender to talk and the bump in my neck continues to throb throughout the early morning. My phone beeps and Arlo's text message lights up my screen and my face. Arlo: Want to hang out today, model girl? My mom is taking us sailing today. The message reflects Arlo's intentions. It isn't a secret that Arlo wants to hang with me more. A day going sailing sounds better than listening to Aftershock practice their new shitty songs about se
Dread is the one word to describe going to the doctor. I remember when I was six years old and I broke my foot while playing soccer. My dad took me, and he held my hand the whole time. He was there for me during the X-rays, and he was there when they bandaged my foot. I miss being six years old. My parents were on better speaking terms and I was there the whole world. Then the agents came and replaced my parents. Freddie became my father figure and came to my appointments. And no one questioned if any of this was normal or healthy. Dread is what I feel in my body and bones. It rattles me up and trembles my insides. The results of my biopsy will be announced today. I touch my throat and feel the lump. It's as large as a small bouncy ball. It's the ball in my neck, and I want nothing more than it to shrink and leave me alone. I am Emma Rhodes, the model at Model Perfect. Models must be perfect and show off a glamorous life that doesn't really exist. In an imperfect world, that strive
My lips are pressed against Arlo's. His scent is everywhere and is still leaning into me. Arlo pulls away, as he rests his forehead on mine. "Sorry about that," he says. He breaks away from the kiss. "No, you aren't. I'm not...sorry. If I didn't want you to kiss me, I wouldn't have kissed you back." I know I shouldn't be so honest with Arlo. But he just saved me from the doctor's office. It's not every day an eighteen-year-old woman finds out she has cancer. "You needed comforting." I lean my head on his shoulder and he smells my hair. His breath is warm and the bumps on my neck rise as he breaths into me. "Yes, I did. Thanks for being there for me." "Why didn't you call, Hunter?" Arlo asks. I pull away knowing I've cheated on Hunter. But also not caring or giving a shit at the same time. I've let go of Hunter. "Please don't ask me that. I think we both know why..." My eyes trail about the room. I follow the lines in the ceiling, hoping they will help me escape my reality. The
It's Halloween weekend, and Hunter hasn't texted me since I left his band practice early. Freddie has been buzzing my cell non-stop. I know he wants an answer from me. He wants to know if I am getting surgery He wants me to have my whole life story written down in a novel, ready to go on his desk by Monday morning with my resignation letter at hand. My life to them all is a script that they can dim the lights for, cut people out of, and shut my voice up when necessary. Isn't it enough to them that I have to process cancer on my own? I haven't even told my parents. Do they even exist at this point? I've been flying solo for so long, I don't even remember seeing them. Rosa will write my cancer story on all her social media accounts and I am not ready for the world to know the gospel truth. That I, Emma Rhodes, have thyroid cancer. I set my cancer aside and try to remember that it's Halloween. Hunter loved costumes, partying, pumpkins, and of course the Haunted House by the beach. Ever
It's midnight and Arlo is still with me. He hasn't left my side since Hunter attacked me. Flashback of the Haunted House breakthrough. I don't know what to do now. Breaking up with Hunter is risky business, but staying with him was dangerous for my body. I can still feel his hands inserting themselves into places I never agreed to, but despite it, I have to stay with Hunter. He and Model Perfect are a package deal because Aftershock is owned by them. All these decisions make me never want to become an adult. "Emma, do you want to go inside? We've been sitting here for an hour? I don't mind sitting all night if that's what you need?" He grabs my hand, and a part of me is hesitant to ever be touched again. I'm still a bit shaken from Hunter putting his weight on me. Was he lying that he hurt Tanya? I am so mind fucked with and toyed with I don't what's real anymore. With Arlo, my life is reflected in a camera lens, and with Hunter, the hall of mirrors is a guessing game of truth or d