Chapter 11 - Before I Sell My Soul

     Before I sell myself to the devil, I have to see my mom just in case anything happens. Scarlett is so sure that all will be okay, but honestly, I don’t even know who Scarlett really is, either. I am beginning to have all these doubts about my decision, but I keep tossing them aside. This really is the only choice that I have left. I cannot go on the way I have been.

      The elevator dings, and the door opens. I greet the desk nurse, as always, and head straight to my mother’s room. The first thing I notice are the flowers. I smile and make my way over to mom’s bed, grabbing the chair as I pass it. Even the room smells nice from the floral arrangement.

      “Hello mom. I have some news to tell you, and you are not going to be happy about it, but it needs to be done.” I glance toward the door to make sure it had shut behind me and then I take her hand, “I made the decision to sell my virginity. I will be going to the auction house tonight and a buyer will offer me no less than one million dollars to have my virginity.” Wetness hits our enclosed hands making me realize that I am crying, “I know that this isn’t what you wanted for me, mom, but I have no choice. All I ever wanted to do was to save it for the man I love, but Knox isn’t coming back, mom. So, I figured I might as well get rid of it and make money while I do it.” I try to joke about it, it isn’t anything to joke about. My heart is literally breaking. Deep down, I know that one day I will see Knox again, but it is going to be too late.

      “They are shutting down the hospital, mom. I need to find you someplace else to go where you will have good care. If I don’t do this, then I will have no choice than to break my promise to you. I will have to put you in a nursing home, and I know you don’t want that.” I grab a tissue from the nightstand and blow my nose. “I wanted to come and see you, and to inform you of my decision before I go home and get ready, because I am not sure how soon I can come back to see you. The agreement is that I have to stay with my buyer for a month. I am told that I will still be able to visit you, but just in case, I wanted to see you. I love you mom, and I pray that you can forgive me. If there was another choice, I would gladly take it.”

      I only stayed a few minutes longer before I had to leave to get ready for tonight’s event. My heart is breaking for a mother who I know can hear her daughter tell her that she is selling something so precious to her. I hate to be a disappointment, but I am doing this for her. Hopefully one day she can forgive me. I leave her room with a heavy heart and hope that I can see her again real soon.

      My decision to join the auction was made out of necessity, but I should have thought it through a little while longer, or at least chosen to join Friday’s auction, instead of the one being held tonight. Preparations are going to take a few hours since it has been a long time since I have pampered myself. Exfoliating, plucking, shaving every nook and cranny, and of course, giving myself a mani/pedi is all necessary before I walk out on that auction block. 

      I am on my hands and knees, digging through the totes at the bottom of my closet, trying to find the supplies that I need to pamper myself. I know they are here, but it’s been so long. I don’t think I have used any of it since moving into this apartment. I am just about ready to scream out my frustration when I see a tote labeled ‘Self-Care,’ on the very top shelf of the closet. Relief washes over me and I quickly grab a kitchen chair to use so I can reach the tote.

      As I spread the items out on the countertop, I open one of the caps to smell the fragrance. “Whew, this must be really old!” I move the tube away from my nose. I look at all the items, knowing that they are all outdated, but I have no choice but to use them. I will just have to make sure I wash with my good-smelling bodywash afterwards and use plenty of my scented lotion and body spray, to help cover up any musty stench from the old stuff.

Really wishing I had the money to get a good wax job done, I change out the razor blade for a new one and start to lather myself up. Praying I don’t nick any body parts, I give each area special attention as I remove every hair needing gone. Only when I run my hand over a smooth surface do I move on to the next area. My lady bits are the worst area, and the one that takes the longest. Granted, it isn’t the a****n, but it’s more than I know men want on a woman.

      That thought leads me to thinking about how come tomorrow, I most likely won’t be a virgin, anymore. I mean, I would think that my buyer would want to have his way with me as soon as we get to his place, but that is only a guess. I’m beginning to get nervous, and a little excited at the same time. I wonder how it is going to feel. My mother told me about the birds and the bees when I was still in high school, and she said that I might feel a little pain my first time. Will my buyer be gentle my first time? Then my thoughts go to whether or not my buyer will be young or old; good-looking or not. Oh my God! What if he is old and ugly? Am I going to be able to go through with it? And…I just succeeded in freaking myself out. 

      “You can and will do this!” I sternly tell myself, “It’s what needs to be done!” Seriously, I’m a twenty-four-year-old virgin with no boyfriend. What else am I going to do with my virginity? Why not make a lot of money while getting rid of it? The money is more important at this point. As for my pride…I am well past giving a shit. I’m doing this for Mom, and nothing more. How do I know that I won’t enjoy this? I’ve always been more on the careful side but wishing I could be more spontaneous. Well. Here is my chance to be just that and pray that this doesn’t backfire somehow. Before I can scare myself into cancelling once again, I set my mind on finishing up. I realize that I’m running out of time, and I cannot miss that bus.