Chapter 5: Hopeless

Chapter 5

Hopeless

I hugged my legs and put my chin on my knees. Nakapatong ang mga paa ko sa bench habang nanonood sa pagragasa ng tubig sa fountain sa aming harapan. The cold wind brushed my numbed skin and I immediately felt the chills.

"So, they're still together," Seymour concluded after our long conversation about my husband.

"Hmm," tipid kong tugon.

Nakita kong sinulyapan niya ako mula sa napako niyang tingin sa fountain. He let out a sigh. Binaba niya ang mga binti ko sa sahig. He looked a bit annoyed.

"You're in a dress, Rigella," strictness stained his tone.

I didn't heed on it. "Sa tingin mo ba, masama ba 'kong tao? Kung... masama ako, 'di ba dapat natutuwa ako sa paghihirap ng iba? Pero bakit ako nasasaktan?"

"Hindi ka masama." Tumingala siya. "Biktima ka lang din. Nasasaktan lang naman ang tao kasi kapag nagmamahal sila, gusto nilang lahat ng magagandang bagay, nakukuha ng mahal nila kahit na ano pang hirap ang maranasan nila. O 'di naman kaya, talagang nasasaktan lang sila dahil sa sitwasyong hindi nila ma-kontrol."

Silence enveloped us. What a perfect timing to have him here beside me. Simula nang umalis siya papuntang States para doon ituloy ang pag-aaral noong second year, unti-unti nang naputol ang komunikasyon namin. I really thought I'd completely lost him during those days.

Seymour Alcantara is my childhood friend. I met him even before I met Roxy whom I met in late elementary days. Silang dalawa lang ang kaibigan ko dahil sila lang din naman ang gusto ni Daddy na pakisamahan ko. He doesn't trust anyone but them.

Inisip ko ang sinabi niya. He's got a point. Kahit gaano ko pa kagusto na bigyan si Ivan ng masayang buhay kasama ang... totoong minamahal niya, hindi ko pa rin magawa. He'd lose everything if I do so. And I would break my son's young heart.

"Normal lang naman ang masaktan. Pero ang abnormal, 'yung hindi na tama ang sakit na nararamdaman n'yo. A healthy relationship should be sensitive and should be aware of its limitations," dagdag niya.

I smiled a bit. "Did you learn that from your girlfriend?"

Marahas siyang napalingon. He chuckled like what I've said was the funniest.

"How I wish I do have a girlfriend to make me think like this but sadly, you're wrong."

"W-Wala kang girlfriend?"

Natatawa siyang umiling. "I guess I'm too busy to court someone."

Ngumuso ako. I know what Seymour was way back in highschool and college. A hot-blooded male. Imposible naman na wala siyang girlfriend. O baka naman... hindi lang babae ang preference niya? Napailing ako sa sariling naiisip.

"Ayos lang naman na hindi na manligaw. Kahit babae o... lalaki naman, kahit sino, p'wedeng magkagusto sa isang katulad mo..."

Amusement filled his expression. Ngumiti siya nang malapad. His eyes twinkled happily. Nakakahawa talaga ang mga ngiti niya. The reason why Seymour is always and will always be fun to be with.

"Sa tingin mo?" nasa tono niya rin ang pagkamangha.

"Hmm. I believe there's nothing in this world that is not crafted beautifully. Lahat naman tayo, puwedeng magkagusto at magustuhan."

"Even married ones? They can like anybody?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. "That's a different topic. Marriage is too sacred to be tainted with infidelity."

Unti-unting napawi ang kaniyang ngiti. He licked his lips. Huminga siya nang malalim at nagkibit-balikat.

"Well, there's annulment or divorce if happens."

Dumaan na naman ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin. I did not express my opinion on his last remark because I think that solution is too unholy. Bakit nga ba susumpa pa sa harap Niya kung babaliin din naman sa huli? At bakit nagkakaroon pa ng palitan ng singsing kung hindi rin naman alam ang totoong bigat ng mga ito?

Naging masaya naman ako na nakapagkuwentuhan kami rito sa garden na katapat lang ng kuwarto ko sa second floor. This is the view from the veranda. Aniya'y na-late pa raw siya kanina at saktong pagkaalis ko raw, saka siya dumating. He greeted and asked my parents for me. Finding me led to the success of his plan but seeing me in that disposition...

"Ivan really got it bad. So so bad,'' iling niya.

I understand his sentiment. Naging kaibigan niya rin kasi si Ivan. They were even the best buddies in the varsity. Hindi ko lang alam ngayon kung may komunikasyon pa sila dahil hindi niya pa rin naman nababanggit.

"This is an unwanted marriage on his part," I whispered carelessly.

"But at least be man enough to stay faithful and set aside his other feelings for your family. Kung ako siya, aalagaan kita at ang pamilya natin."

Yumuko ako. "Magkaiba kasi kayo..."

"Right. Magkaiba rin kami ng lebel ng pakialam at pagmamahal sa 'yo."

Bumaling ako sa kaniya. He just smiled at me and turned to the fountain.

"Nagkausap kami ni Roxanne last week. Ang sabi ko uwi ko na ngayong linggo. Hinanap pa kita sa kaniya. Perhaps that day, you were about to meet? I even called you that time but you were not picking up..."

"So... you were that caller? I'm sorry I wasn't able to pick up kasi..." I trailled off.

Dumaan na naman sa utak ko ang mga imahe ng nangyari. Ivan concluding that I stalked them to ruin their special moment. It created a small explosion in my heart. Pilit akong ngumiti at hindi na nagpatuloy.

"It's okay. Good thing we have Roxanne."

Napatitig ako sa kaniya. I think I have found the right person for my best friend. Someone matured and kind-hearted as Seymour. Now I could imagine her tantrums and Seymour being able to calm her.

"Why don't you court her?" I suggested.

"Oh, please," tawa ni Seymour. "She's an amazona. I don't think we'd click."

"You can try. Saka kilala mo naman 'yon, mabait naman. At saka parehas kayong single. It's time to look for an other half."

Ngumisi siya at umiling-iling. I lifted a brow. His arms pulled me for a hug.

"Alam mo, cupcake, hindi naman ako nagmamadaling matali. The other side of this tough life is enjoyment. I'm busy grabbing the opportunity."

I hugged him back. Sa pagod ko'y naibigay ko yata sa kaniya ang buong bigat ko. Tinapik-tapik niya ang likod ko habang nagha-hum ng kantang hindi ko mapangalanan. I let myself drown in the easing silence.

Kung bibigyan lang siguro ako ng Maykapal ng pambihirang kakayahan, hihilingin kong ang mapasaya ang lahat ng tao sa paligid ko ang ipagkaloob Niya. Even if it'll cost my own happiness, I will willingly surrender. I'd give whatever I have. Maubos man ako, basta makukuha kong matingnan silang lahat na nakangiti at may maayos na buhay, hindi ko na dadamdamin ang mga pangyayari sa nakaraan.

"Life is not without pain and obstacles," mahinang usal ni Seymour, "the challenges you are going through are just the right ones for you. Otherwise, bakit sa 'yo binigay 'yan kung hindi mo naman kakayanin?"

It made me look back to the old times. Oo nga naman. Ngayon pa ba ako panghihinaan ng loob? When all the past challenges only remained in my memories, left me scars, but made me wiser. Why would I dwell with this one and break my heart even more? Just like before, I should walk away.

"Thank you, cookie monster..." bulong ko at mas sumiksik sa kaniyang dibdib.

"You're always welcome, cupcake. Always..." he replied softly.

Isang tikhim ang pumutol sa aming tagpo. Marahan akong humiwalay. Seymour was already clenching his jaw when I looked at him. Nagtataka kong pinihit ang aking ulo para makita kung sino ang tinitingnan niya nang masama.

My silent gasp added to the shock I'm feeling. Napatayo ako sa bench. Papalit-palit ang tingin ko kina Seymour at Ivan na kapwa nagsusukatan ng tingin.

"You're back, Alcantara," nakapamulsang puna ni Ivan.

Seymour smirked. He rose from his eat. Ginaya niya ang ayos ni Ivan. Halos hindi na ako magkamayaw sa pagpigil sa sarili kong sumingit sa usapan nang makita ang nang-uuyam nilang mga mata

"I thought it's Captain for you?" Si Seymour.

Mabilis na nagbago ang ekspresiyon ni Ivan. Though, I doubt it that it's just new. Parang nagpipigil lang siya kanina. Tinatabunan ang iritasyon ng pormalidad. His face darkened as well as his eyes mirrored pitch black flames.

"I'm not anyone's subordinate, Seymour," ganting-uyam ni Ivan.

"Uh..." Lumapit ako kay Ivan. My hand extended to touch his arm but I immediately cancelled it. Ivan's eyes narrowed at me.

"You were friends way back, right? Nakakapag-usap ba kayo after college?" pinasigla ko ang aking tono.

"Yeah, we were friends. But we lost touch," sagot ni Seymour na nagawa pang umakbay sa akin.

Halos manigas ako sa aking kinatatayuan. Umalon ang aking paningin sa panghihina. I swallowed hard when Ivan traced Seymour's movements with his sharp eyes.

However, Ivan smirked. Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa paraang nagmamalaki. Madali niya akong nahila sa braso dahilan para mapalayo ako kay Seymour. He rose our hands in the air, showing our wedding ring.

"We're sorry you didn't get an invitation to our wedding."

Pakiramdam ko'y papanipis nang papanipis ang hangin sa paligid. Kinagat ko ang labi ko. I should remain still and steady when they're like this, having a silent clash.

"Hmm. And also your son's christening. That's quite a bad luck he didn't have a godfather like me. I treat my godchildren like my own."

Humigpit ang hawak sa akin ni Ivan. Doon naputol ang pisi ng pagtitimpi kong umabala. I sighed heavily.

"Seymour, I believe you left unfinished matters inside the party. You should take the opportunity to mingle with people your status. Catch up with your friends. I saw some of our acquaintances," kalmado kong sinabi.

Kumislap ang hindi maipaliwanag na emosyon sa kaniyang mata. It took a while before he nodded. I saw Ivan's smirk on my peripheral. Unti-unti niyang binaba ang kamay namin. He renewed his hold on me by intertwining our fingers.

"I hope you're fine now, cupcake. I hope I was a good help." Sinulyapan niya ang magkahugpong naming kamay ng asawa ko.

I smiled sincerely. "You really were a good help. Pasensiya ka na at kailangan na naming umalis. We still have to go get our son."

"Till next time, then? I hope to spend more time with you, cupcake."

Magsasalita pa sana ako nang maunahan ako ni Ivan.

"Your business is waiting for you. Excuse us," paalam niya at tinaglay na ako.

Malalaki ang hakbang niya nang malagpasan namin ang backdoor. He pulled me upstairs while I remained quiet. Binitiwan lang niya ako nang umaakyat na. Naisip kong baka nga pupuntahan namin si Ice. My room was located there and Mommy probably took my son there.

Laking gulat ko nang tumigil kami sa hallway. Ang madilim niyang mukha ang sumalubong sa akin. He looked angry and serious. Kumabog ang dibdib ko.

My thoughts boiled down to what happened earlier. Kuya Ryan, presented Lara as her date. Lara leaving the table exclusively reserved for us. Kuya Ryan with guns and drugs. Ivan... kissing Lara.

Napapikit ako. Ang sinabi ko kanina, kalilimutan ko na lang ang lahat at lalagpasan na parang walang nangyari. But when Ivan's doing this, paano na?

"What kind of stupidity crossed your mind - that you left my son to meet up with that bastard?"

Napamulat ako sa kaniyang boses na may kalakip na yamot. He said that calmly but I knew there was anger on the edge of his tongue. Paurong akong naglakad. His critical eyes followed my movements.

He scoffed sarcastically. "He's your lover now, Rigella?"

"He's not my lover-" Naputol ako nang maramdaman ang malamig na pader sa aking likod. Sinulyapan ko iyon bago muling bumaling sa kaniya, "and I left Ice with Mommy."

He was quick to take his strides and lock me in. Suminghap ako sa lapit ng aming distansiya. I smelled the faint scent of liquor and mint on his breath. His arms were like chains prohibiting even the tiniest air to conquer us.

"To hell with your excuse," he grunted.

Napalunok ako nang sobrang lalim. I certainly did not expect us to be like this. I thought it will be a peaceful walk to reach our son. Ang akala ko'y hindi naman siya maiinis o magagalit na makita akong kasama si Seymour. Besides, he doesn't care about me, right?

Could it be that... he's jealous?

I shook my head inwardly. Why would he be jealous, Rigella? Kanina nga lang, iniwan ka niya para kay Lara. Galit lang talaga siya sa 'yo dahil iniisip niyang iniwan mo ang anak niyo para makipaglandian sa iba.

"You see, he just came back from the States," paliwanag ko.

He tilted his head. Kumulo ang mas matinding poot sa kaniyang mga mata. His gray depths were slowly turning to silver. As if a knife cutting at me through his gaze.

"And you missed each other so much that you agreed to get fucked in the garden," nang-uuyam na akusa niya.

My brows quickly pulled together. "We didn't do it, Ivan."

Alam kong galit siya sa akin pero hindi ko 'yon magagawa sa kaniya. I love him not to even think of vile things to commit against him. Pero bakit pati ito... nagagawa niyang ibintang sa 'kin?

Pagod ko siyang tiningnan. The corners of my eyes stung. Gusto kong maiyak pero wala akong makapang tapang para gawin iyon sa harapan niya.

He smirked menacingly. "What else would I think when I just saw you with another man? Just doing chit-chat and catching up as dear friends?"

Kumunot lalo ang noo ko. "Iyon lang naman talaga ang ginawa namin, Ivan."

Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa pinaghalong pagod at lungkot o dahil sa iritasyon kaya bahagyang nag-iba ang pananalita ko. Shock registered on his face for a while. Ilang saglit pa nang muling bumalik ang intensidad sa kaniya.

"Sumasagot ka na nang pabalang ngayon?" naghahamon at mapait niyang sinambit.

Umawang ang labi ko. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm just tired-"

"Tired of me?"

Napatitig ako sa kaniya. His face darkened more because of the shadow covering almost half of his face. I had the urge to touch his face, but I evaded the thought. Ano bang... karapatan ko?

I could actually say yes to his question anytime, but I won't. Dahil alam ko namang ako ang pinag-uugatan ng galit niya. Ako ang nagwasak sa lahat ng pangarap nila ni Lara. Ako ang malas sa buhay niya.

"Tired because of the party," kalmadong paglilinaw ko.

Marahan akong nag-iwas ng tingin. My vision brought me to his forceful arms exerting much effort just to jail me. Lumilitaw ang mga ugat sa kaniyang braso. His chiseled muscles bulged on his dress shirt. He's got no coat again. Sa tingin ko'y binalot niya sa girlfriend niya.

"I don't believe you," he whispered lethally.

I held my breath. His deep, raspy voice prevented my remaining sanity to numb all that'd happened. With misty eyes, I turned to him. He licked his lips. His dark eyes moved down to my lips.

"Ivan-"

Namilog ang mga mata ko sa halik na bigla niyang hinandog sa akin. My head hit the wall smoothly. Natigilan ako at hindi magawang mag-isip nang maayos habang hinahalikan niya.

His lips brushed into mine harshly at first. Hanggang sa unti-unting bumagal. His other hand touched my nape. Tumindig ang balahibo ko.

Kusa akong napapikit. A tear fell from my eye. Umangat ang mga kamay ko para lakumusin ang kaniyang kuwelyo. I kissed him back as aggressively as how much I want to prove my truth to him.

His tongue seeked for entrance. I moaned. His hand raked my hair. Pilit niyang iginagawi sa gusto niyang puwesto para mas mahalikan ako nang mabuti. His kisses gave me no chance to catch up to a proper breath.

Nang lumayo siya ay naramdaman ko ang malalang pag-iinit ng aking mga pisngi. I was panting heavily. Mariing nakapikit ang aking mga mata. I shut my lips tight. My hands gripped on him tightly.

My lips were wet from the wild kissing. Kinagat ko iyon. Shit, Rigella, what did you two just...

"You need to compensate for making me this mad," he whispered before dipping his head on my neck.