"What's wrong?" Tom asks."I don't know. It doesn't sound like the battery. I hope it's not the transmission.""Here, hop out and let me try. I'm not great with cars, but I might be able to tell you if we'll be able to adjust something for a quick fix tonight."We switch spots and he tries again to get my car to work. After a few minutes, he turns to me. "I think you may have to call a tow truck in the morning. That's definitely not the battery.""Shit," I grumble under my breath. "Is there anyone you can call to come pick you up?"For a minute, I run through the list of people. Marcus and Santos are pretty much it. Marcus, of course, has the kids, and Santos… well, I need to not call Santos. He's not in my life anymore as a partner, so I need to not turn to him the very first time I run into a problem."There's really not. I can take a cab, but I just live ten minutes from here. Do you think you could drop me off? I wouldn't normally ask, but…""No, no! It's fine. I was going to offe
It's been two weeks since I saw her outside the apartment with that guy. That guy she was on a date with. Thinking about it still makes me feel like there's an animal clawing at my chest. It hurts so badly to know she was out with another man. The shit of it all is it may have been the first time I actually understood the kind of hurt I made her feel. I always knew how badly I had damaged her, but I never really had anything to compare it to. I guess I couldn't really fathom how it made her feel.I can fathom it now, and it's awful.I went home that night and cried. No, that's not right. I wept. Like a fucking baby. I wept for the loss of my wife. I wept for the loss of my children. I wept for the loss of the life I loved. In a weird way, I wept for the loss of myself. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that I was living a weird double life. What is wrong with me that I could so easily push down the guilt every time I did it? I don't even know where to begin with fixing it, and th
I can't believe I agreed to this.That mantra keeps running through my head.The day after Santos basically stopped our divorce proceedings so we could make one last ditch effort at our marriage, he had everything set up: time off work, reservations to the conference, hotel room. The only thing I had to do was convince my mother to come stay with the kids.She wasn't happy about why she was staying with them, but she pretended to overlook it so she could have some uninterrupted grandma time.When we got here, I was surprised to see how many people were also trying to save their marriage. I guess with fifty percent of all marriages ending this way, it shouldn't have been so jarring. But it was. It was horrible to see how many of us are trying make these life-altering decisions, and many of us with children. In a weird way, though, I guess it made me not feel so alone. Misery does love company, I suppose.But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was when Darryl, that's the name of
I stare at him in disbelief. For the first time, the depth of his infidelity is sinking in. This wasn't just getting caught up in the moment at parties. This was serial cheating. Like he had a whole different life I never even knew about."Mariana." I look up as Anne addresses me. "I can see you're feeling a lot of different emotions right now. Can you tell me what you're feeling?"I shake my head. "I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm so… I'm so pissed. How could you do that to me? To us?"Santos flinches, but it's Anne who addresses me again. "What else are you feeling, Mariana? I know you're angry. What else?""I…" My brain spins out of control and it's taking a lot of effort to figure out how to answer her questions. "Humiliated. He didn't just get bored and lonely. He was never faithful from the beginning." I turn to look at him again. "You weren't, were you? You have never been faithful to me, have you? I was never enough, was I?"His eyes snap up to mine and he star
I don't know why I agreed to this. I mean, I know why I agreed to it. But if it weren't for the fact that it is my last chance at getting my family back, I wouldn't even bother.Group therapy is hard fucking work. "Okay guys, we're going to do an exercise that will help us work on our communication skills," Anne informs us, as we all take our seats. "Santos, Mariana, I'd like you guys to pull your chairs into the middle and face them toward each other. I grab both our chairs and pull them into the circle."I can do that myself, ya know," Mari mutters."I know. I'm trying to be polite."She doesn't respond, just pulls her chair a couple of feet from mine before taking her seat. Once we're situated, Anne gives us more instructions. "We're going to take turns with this exercise, so before you jump in and say anything, just answer the questions I ask, okay?" When she's satisfied we're going to do as she says, she continues."You both have expressed that you had a very satisfying marriage
Her words shock me. I grab her arms, stopping her assault. "You think I find you repulsive?" I try to look her in the eyes, but she's crying so hard, she can't even open them. "You are the most beautiful, perfect thing in my life, Mari. You deserve more than dirty sex just so I can calm down after a game.""That is a fucking cop-out!" She pulls out of my arms and backs away like she's afraid of me. "I'm your fucking wife, Santos. You think sex in a marriage is only about love? It's also about orgasms and pleasure and fun. Do you know how many times I dreamed you'd bend me over the couch and fuck me like one of your dirty whores?"I reel back. "You didn't, did you? Because you needed justification for your own fucking behavior." She gets in my face. "Let me ask you a question, after we started dating in college, were you already cheating on me during away games?"I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. "That's what I thought. You're not sorry for doing it; you're sorry you go
The beeping of the waffle maker jars me out of my thoughts.The free breakfast at the hotel barely opened half an hour ago, but I was already up. After yesterday's session on communication, sleeping is ridiculously difficult to do.I can't stop thinking about what Santos said. You will never hate me more than I hate myself. I want to be happy that he's living with such tremendous guilt. This whole thing is his fault. But I can't. I had no idea he was grieving as much as I am. He's not one to show he's in any kind of pain often. Not physical pain. Not emotional pain. He's too busy being everybody's friend to be honest when his feelings are that intense.And he never, ever cries. Needless to say, seeing him weep the way he did pulled me right out of my pity party and back into the real world, full of questions about what I should do now. Do I stay? Do I go? Do I give him another chance? Do I call it quits?The only thing I know for sure is I need carbs. And sugar. And butter. And maybe s
The click of the door closing behind us sounds unusually loud compared to the silence between us. It was another hard day of therapy, and we're both emotionally spent.Anne had us all write a letter to our spouse and then read it to each other. In the letter, we had to apologize for our part in the downfall of our relationship. Then we had to outline what we're going to do different from now on, and how. The hardest part, though… the hardest part was having to write what behaviors I will and won't accept from Mari.That one pretty much stumped me. It would be one thing if she was anything other than perfect. The only thing that I could come up with is I want her to focus on herself more. Her entire life has been about giving, and I want her to allow herself to receive more. To accept compliments and believe me when I say she's beautiful. She struggles with that. She always has. And I made it substantially worse."Um, I'm gonna jump in the shower." She takes off her shoes and slips her